I don’t know if it’s the colder, darker days or the fact that my boys have been tag teaming me with a pre 6am wake up every fricking day of the week, but I’ve been feeling a teeny tiny bit tired lately.
Anyway I don’t like to complain so Instead I thought I would share my best practice guide to getting through the day when you are severely sleep deprived – broken down into easy manageable stages.
Actually I guess it’s more of a big long whinge but whatever here we go…
1, Shock – It’s dark, you are toasty warm in bed dreaming of being a world class gymnast when suddenly there is a small child all up in your face demanding cheerios, milk and/or a particular toy you haven’t seen for months.
‘Go back to sleep’ you say. ‘It’s the middle of the night!’ you say. But when you reach for you phone to confirm the nonsense hour you see that it is actually morning. Or at least A version of morning, just not a particularly good one…
2, Stalling – AKA Cbeebies or milkshake, or a random combination of both because you have perfected the skill of flicking between their very specific programme preferences in your sleep to ensure minimal fuss. If that utter tripe Cloud Babies comes on it’s game over for everyone.
3, Denial – Who needs sleep anyway? You could forgo your plans for the day and stay at home rocking in a corner but that would be weak. Soft play here you come – YOU CAN DO THIS!!
4, Acceptance – YOU CAN’T DO THIS! Soft play should be outlawed. Other peoples kids should be outlawed. Your own children need to be made illegal.
5, Self Medication – Have a coffee, have a gin, maybe have a coffee with added gin? Then eat Fangtastics until you feel sick.
6, Oblivion – The coffee-gin-tangfastic cocktail is not good. Everything is now terrifying. Under no circumstances should you allow your eyes to view even 5 seconds of Kate and Mim-Mim. Her massive purple bunny is no friend of yours.
7, Anger – You are on the home run and start feeling a little triumphant until the inevitable 5.45pm phone call…
8, The Second Wind – Remember how all you’ve wanted to do all day was lie on the sofa and pass out? Well the kids are finally in bed and guess what?
Now you feel F*CKING AWESOME!
Why go to bed when you have a whole evening to do with whatever you like – your lounge is your lobster. You could sit on the sofa half watching TV and dicking about on your laptop or you could… well why think of other options when you could just sit about half watching TV and dicking about on your laptop?
7.47pm – Perusing facebook whilst looking up new cutlery baskets for the dishwasher.
8.23pm – Lasagne and Eastenders.
10.01pm – Ooh 30% off at Debenhams ends tonight…
11.17pm – Browsing Right Move for a fantasy house.
11.59pm – A quick google of teeth whitening solutions then bed.
9, Insomnia – Must remember to pay the water bill! How real is Made in Chelsea? Why doesn’t your Sainbury’s local stock Heniz ravioli any more? Do you need another wee? Does everyone hate you? Tomorrow is bin day.
Fade and repeat.
(*And yes there may be 9 stages rather than 7 but I’m sleep deprived and can’t be expected to accurately count)P.S. My new book is out NOW. It is very stupid and makes a good Christmas present for people who like rude words. It is certainly not for children. You can buy it on Amazon (currently 69% off!) here or in all good bookshops and supermarkets :)