The Change

I was sat on the sofa the other day, minding my own business, when the youngest one wondered up and punched me in the face with his tommee tippee cup.

The blow was hard, for a not quite 2 year old, and as I watched the bruise rise around my left eye I couldn’t help but thinking it was somewhat metaphorical – signifying that the baby days were well and truly over.

Welcome to TODDLERHOOD, season 2.

realyo1I think I may have blocked out some of the horrors of the first series but lately I’ve been having flashbacks. I remember my first son tantruming to the extent that his face turned deep blue and his body lay jerking on the floor. I remember screaming, convinced that he was having some sort of seizure and dashing for my phone to call 999.

As it turned out he was just a ‘bit’ pissed off that I had broken his banana in half. And at that moment, all the anger at being given an incomplete bit of fruit, was deemed more significant than actually – just breathing.

banana2

And now it’s happening again. My dear sweet bumbling boy has been possessed by an inner demon. His once pliable little body working against my every move.

rigid2

So what do you do? Don protective headgear and sit cowering under the stairs or write a list of everything that pisses them off in order to stem off any aggravation?

Hmm lets see. Things that cause a meltdown include:

    • Being buckled into the buggy without a biscuit
    • Seeing a bus and not being on it
    • Not being allowed to tip your water all over yourself
    • Being wet because you tipped your water all over yourself
    • A finite supply of blueberries
    • Not being able to feed the cat yoghurt
    • The cat not liking yoghurt
    • Not being able to draw on the table
    • Not being able to draw
    • Not being able to eat pens
    • Not being able to eat play-doh
    • Eating play-doh
    • Eating soil
    • Eating soap
    • Being hungry because you won’t eat any actual food
    • Not being allowed to store pen lids in your mouth
    • Not being able to shut your brother in the toy box
    • Wanting to bend non bendy things
    • Breaking things by bending them
    • Not being allowed to throw objects of your choosing out of windows
    • Cloud Babies
    • Scrambled egg
    • Bean juice on your hands after eating beans with your hands
    • Not being allowed to bash the TV with a sword
    • Your socks being on slightly twisted
    • Not being able to take your socks off yourself
    • Not having socks on
    • Socks
    • Wearing gloves
    • Having cold hands
    • Sliced, as opposed to cubed, cheese
    • Pigeons

I could go on but you get the gist… If you want me I’ll be under the stairs (with a stash of gin).

axe

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P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)

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55 thoughts on “The Change

  1. Not A Frumpy Mum

    Oh yes, we have the twisted sock meltdown in a regular basis! And he always has to be in front, we’ve just had a throw yourself on the floor and cry for 10 minutes because I walked in front of him to the couch! And he’s refusing to go to bed until Daddy comes home from the gym!
    Any spare gin knocking around?? xx

    Reply
  2. MyLifeMyLove

    Pahhhhaha so bloody true. I hate the unbendy body in the car seat! Grrr it drives me mad! And the broken banana thing… I hear ya! Blimey what is it with wanting the whole banana?! X

    Reply
  3. Sian

    Hehe, so true. Here, today’s rage-inducers included not being allowed to throw a ten pound note in the bin and not being allowed to put her teddy down the toilet.

    Reply
  4. Just Me

    I’m not even a mum but being a nanny this made me laugh out loud several times, yes the rigid buggy move and oh so troublesome broken/deformed fruit and oh the socks the socks!:) hehe don’t worry ladies you’re not alone this is almost every toddler I’ve ever known! Good thing they have their cute moments hey :)

    Reply
  5. Carie

    -Mummee!
    -yes Elma.
    – Mummeee!
    – yes love.
    – don’t talk to me Mummee!

    May I join you under the stairs? I’m still not a massive fan of gin so I won’t endanger precious supplies and I promise to bring cake!

    Reply
  6. Karen @ TalesofaTwinMum

    I hate to tell you but it’s not going to get better any time soon (E is 2yrs 5mths now and showing no sign of stopping the crazy jerky tantrums that make her look like she’s stopped breathing). If I didn’t live so far away I’d hide under the stairs with you until this phase passes. It WILL pass, right?! X

    Reply
  7. Mummy to boyz

    ha ha just brilliant! I left nursery with the young one wearing pants no socks, trousers or shoes today because he point blank refused to get dressed! Then he moaned he was cold x

    Reply
  8. Kerrie McGiveron

    Brilliant. Our darling Rosie is just amazing. I found myself organising the doll’s house at 7am this morning just before leaving for work because she was pointing saying “Put Peppa Pig…on the stairs” (in a proper Scouse accent of course) and I actually just did it and I was thinking “I’m going to work, why am I doing this??” And I know why, it’s because she is properly THE BOSS at the minute and she caught me in a weak moment of just leaving the house guilt.
    Dicks, the lot of them… :) xxx

    Reply
  9. Californian Mum in London

    We’re in the throes of the terrible twos. As I speak, my son in on my lap crying because he just realised that his daddy didn’t kiss him goodbye. It doesn’t matter that when his daddy tried to, he was angry with daddy and wouldn’t let him kiss him. Ugh. Looking forward to that 3rd birthday! Good luck with that helmet hun! X

    Reply
  10. Jodie

    Ha! The terrible 2’s are nothing! There’s also the twatting 3’s and the fucking 4’s. Then they start school and everything is lovely, until the shitty 7’s!!!

    I’m soon to experience the terrible 2’s for the first time with a boy. Fear is an understatement!!!

    Reply
  11. Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork

    If it’s alright, I think I’ll join you! We’ve hit Two over here as well as it’s just astonishing in its fierceness. I honestly thought that, having once been (successfully!) left in charge of 20 two-year-olds on a daily basis, I’d have this one covered. I do not. He wins, every time. Do you like sloe gin?

    Reply
  12. Life at the Little Wood

    Socks!! I still have one who has a fit over twisted socks – and she’s five!! Brilliant, as ever lovely xxx

    Reply
  13. Natalie

    This made me laugh – my LO hits 2 tomorrow, and many of these occur already on a regular basis – but what I found even more reassuring is, judging by the comments – I am not alone in any shape or form :)

    Reply
  14. Danni

    My daughter is three and we STILL have the same tantrums. But now it’s because I peeled her banana instead of letting her make a mess out of it. Or because she can’t help me take food out of the oven. Or because she’s not allowed to put the whole toilet roll down the toilet. Or maybe even because there is a thing called bedtime… I was so excited for terrible twos to end but she is now a threenager…

    When will it end?? *climbs in the cupboard with chocolate*

    Reply
  15. Sian

    It is a little known fact that socks are actually the source of several international conflicts. They are the route of all evil. Very funny post – and very reassuring x

    Reply
  16. Sharon

    Oh how I don’t miss the sock tantrums. “Bit wrinkled! Bit wrinkled mummy!” with tears streaming down her face. You had to get the sock on in one fluid motion because if you paused halfway through to move your hand that would count as it being a) on and b) wrinkled and would prompt a bout of rageous kicking that would see the offending sock flap its way over your head and land somewhere behind the buggy where you wouldn’t find it till she’d outgrown it.

    Nah, now at 2 and 3/4 we are so over the sock tantrums. These days it’s all about the injustice of being asked to cut short your Hokey Cokey session and go to bed only an hour after you parents aimed to get you in there.

    Reply
  17. Kate

    Hilarious – fantastic post! I suffered the wrath of my little man too when his banana broke in half and I was unable to ‘put it back tagetha!’. Thanks god it’s ‘just a phase’! Good Luck x

    Reply
  18. Vikki Sanderson

    We’re going through this (again!) with out youngest, he’s going to be 3 next month but has only just hit the terrible twos stage – awful! Of course it’s acceptable to get up in the middle of the night and punch your big brother in the back of the head until wakes up! :|

    Reply
  19. Notmyyearoff

    Hehe I remember the not being bendy in the middle phase very well. Z will still have a full on meltdown when his socks are slightly twisted, or taken off, or he is sock less in any kind of way. Stay away from the socks!

    Reply
  20. Emily

    Hahaha…. This made me lol. Despite having 3 children (aged 7, 4,1) I have only experienced this recently. My third has the twisted sock problem at least twice a day!

    Reply
  21. Tin Bo Traveller

    I giggled all the way through this – great post becaus it’s true! Today’s toddler tantrum in our household was about getting out of the car. She’d been chatting away in the back seat about sandwiches for lunch but when we pulled on to the driveway she wouldn’t get out. Apparently I should have a premade lunch box to hand at all times ;)

    Reply
  22. Katie @mummydaddyme

    I can fully sympathise as we are entering the same stage- LL is a right little demon at the moment. Just this morning we have had about three massive meltdowns over the most ridiculous things- including not be allowed to eat a marble. ;)

    Reply
  23. Zoe

    Oh I’m with you on this! My little girl is no longer bendy, has proper non-breathing, tantrums and she’s not even two yet. Hate it. Hate it all. Any room under the stairs for me? That aside, this post was very, very funny.

    Reply
  24. nuala

    Oh, so many of these remind me of my sons at that age.
    My husband once had to put a bogey back into my son’s nose due to his outrage that it had been removed.
    Never worked out how un-break a banana or biscuit either :-(

    Reply
  25. Tanya

    Oh yes, my 22 month old is at this stage of irrationality. Not Cloudbabies, but Tree Fu Tom “NO LIKE IT!”. To be fair, neither do I…. She has this extraordinarily pee-d off wail, that starts from her feet and escalates – both I and my four year old know to let her have whatever she wants when it starts, or it’s migraine-city for anyone in earshot. Four year old didn’t do this to me, little one is way more feisty.

    Reply
  26. Ally Messed Up Mum

    I’ve just finished drafting a post for my boy’s 20 month update tomorrow; I couldn’t sing his praises any more than I have. Not long before that changes ey?? U’ve made me nervous… Haha! Brilliant post x

    Reply
  27. Briony

    Laughed until I cried! My 15 month old is now starting this phase. The rigid body car seat thing drives me crazy! Today’s biggest tantrum was because the cat didn’t want to play dinosaurs.

    Reply
  28. Jenni - Odd Socks and Lollipops

    Oh dear, I think I will have to head under the stairs when Boo reaches this stage, we already have a few of the early signs and a bit of a temper when things don’t go exactly to Boo’s plan… I think i’ll start stashing supplies under the stairs now… just in case.

    Reply
  29. Karen Louise Jeffery

    Our wee cherub Is 2 years and 4 months can relate to most of this my husband works offshore and he knows that he can run rings round me but when Daddy comes home the party is over ha ha we also have a little girl at 3 months who is showing signs of being the boss I think sometimes pass me gin ha ha xx

    Reply
  30. teacuptoria

    I’m a newbie blogger and so obviously reading LOTS of blogs at the moment and yours has to be my favourite. It’s bloody hilarious. I love it more than battenburg cake and that is a lot.
    I will be following and stalking you.
    x

    Reply
  31. Jenny

    You are not alone I am currently coward ing under my own stairs from round two with toddlerhood. MM has definitely lost th baby fluffy stage to her. It’s her way or the highway. (So she thinks) and Buba while still trucking the end of toddlerhood are now tag teaming me. Lol I will come out when they both turn 18! Great list.

    Reply
  32. Jess @ Along Came Cherry

    Haha Tiger is totally at this stage, it’s such hard work. He has a thing with his trousers right now, if they are too long he freaks out but if he sits down and they don’t touch his ankles then he freaks out, trying to get the right length adjustment is pretty much impossible!! So weird x

    Reply
  33. Michelle

    Rex poked me in the eye with his toe this morning, I think he is going through the change.
    Laughing a lot at your post.x

    Reply
  34. Jess Paterson

    Cloudbabies! Innocent little stupid-names-for everything Cloudbabies?! What could he possibly have against them? So funny, this could be my toddler. He cannot abide a sullied fruit. It’s never too early to start drinking, right? xx

    Reply
  35. Rose

    Oh no, oh no. I have a 19 month old boy who has recently perfected the dramatic, silent-movie-style slap across the face when displeased, and his sister is due 6 weeks before he turns two. I am now terrified. A newborn and the terrible twos now seems like a Very Bad Idea. Please, somebody tell me that you’ve done it and that it’s going to be okay.

    Reply
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  37. Claire

    My 18 month old has *just* started to go through this phase. It decided to rear it’s ugly head for the very first time at soft play, causing the mother of the other kid on the receiving end to yell in my toddler’s face “YOU’RE A NASTY LITTLE BOY1″. Needles to say, until this phase is over with we’re not going to soft play/toddler groups again!

    Reply
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  39. Julia

    My son is 22 months old. Conversations look like this:

    Son: Hungry.
    Me: Okay, would you like an apple?
    Son: No.
    Me: Banana?
    Son: No.
    Me: Crackers?
    Son: No.
    Me: Yoghurt?
    Son: No.
    Me: What DO you want?
    Son: … Nooooooooo.
    Five minutes later the situation repeats itself, and again, and again, und he has a meltdown because the hunger has cut off all thinking. And before you think “just give him what you want him to eat”, disrespecting the all-mighty NO is the worst possible way to go. He may be starving, but that’s him exercising free will. I think. There is no good way. *weeps*

    Reply
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