The Shitty Guilt Fairy

Not everybody knows this but when you give birth to your first child you also give birth to a little fairy. She’s kind of like Tinkerbell but WAY uglier and a total bitch.

Instead of carrying a wand she carries around a shovel of shit which she cracks into your skull whenever she feels like you are doing a bad job. Which it transpires, is quite a lot.

shittu (1)

The purpose of this fairy is to make you feel guilty about stuff from the get go, her first job revolves around the birth itself…

epidural

cheater

Next she moves onto the way your child is fed. She has lots of fun with failed breast feeders…

bottle

And she has an absolute field day if you dare to go back to work after maternity leave…

career

As your child grows so does her hit list…

shoes

nugs

peppa

One of the main things I feel bad about is not wanting to play incredibly tedious imaginary games with my kids for hours on end. The Shitty Guilt Fairy knows I hate these games and she loves to make me feel terrible about it…

phone

She also knows I enjoy a bit of time out and she hates to see me relaxing and having fun…

pub

She’d much rather I did more wholesome things with my free time like helping out at school or volunteering at the summer fete…

PTA2

Unfortunately there is not much you can do to remove the Shitty Guilt Fairy from your life, she will likely stay with you in varying forms and strength until you die.

However you can quieten her down for a bit with the help of her nemesis – logic. Logic is hidden deep inside your brain, surrounded by a forest of bullshit.

logic

Since becoming a parent you may have found it harder to access logic but it is still there, if you shut your eyes real tight, close the magazines and stay off of scary facebook groups, then sensible rational thoughts will start to flow again…

breastfed

The Shitty Guilt Fairy HATES being called a waste of time!

It makes her feel weak and vulnerable thereby providing the perfect opportunity to throw an abundance of logic at her and stamp on her wings until they are mangled to fuck.

(But it’s best not to do it in public cos people give you funny looks).

murder

Sadly her wings are easily repairable and in no time at all she will be flapping about your head again like an annoying mosquito that you just can’t seem to swat. In such situations I would recommended drowning the bitch in wine because wine is the solution to most* of life’s problems…

wine2

*except alcoholism.

toxic

**************

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71 thoughts on “The Shitty Guilt Fairy

  1. bananaloaf

    I love everything about this post. Absolutely everything. I’m off to go step on a damn fairy.

    Reply
  2. Jo

    Thanks so much for this post, as a full time (!) working Mum of one (yes I know, only one!) I have real issues with guilt! I don’t know about you but I find my Guilt Fairy particularly likes the ‘helpful’ throwaway comments that fall out of people’s mouths so easily that mean nothing to them, but the Guilt Fairy LOVES those the very very most!!! Keep hoping the cat will eat her… the fairy that is! Thanks for keeping me sane xx

    Reply
  3. Me

    My shitty guilt fairy is called my Mother in law It’s made so much worse by the amazingness of my Sister in law, and her ability to be a Mum which is then highlighted to me, at every opportunity, on social media x ffs x

    Reply
    1. Me-Too

      Thank you “Me”. I echo this, although my MIL is not social media savvy (a blessing I acknowledge).

      Reply
    2. Carley

      Im sure your sister in law is shit totally shit at times….those that post happiness is posting to prove it to themselves a lot of the time…..fuck her fuck your mother in law.
      There will be something that you do, that they wish they could. just do the things you love in parenting and try hard on the bits you hate, don’t beat yourself up. Oh and ive learnt to only tell the people you truly know are on your level that you’re having a shitty day, otherwise you’ll be used as someone’s feel good boost. They will forever think you’re a mum thst does a shit job or has shit kids all because once you ranted about what little bastsrds they were! Friends without kids make all the right sounds but secretly think they’d never be like that when they have kids and they will fart rainbows, and other people will enjoy the fact that your are struggling to make them feel a little less shitty. So with your in laws only see them when you’re at your best!

      Reply
  4. Rachael

    Oh yes!! I also would like to add breastfeeders guilt… I have succeeded at breastfeeding but it at expressing so guilt fairy likes to bitch at me that daddy hasn’t had those early feeding joys, you selfish cow….. I hate her!!!!

    Reply
  5. Heather

    Love this more than i can say!! I think each child gets it own fairy. “Oh. I see you spending more time with the second child. I guess you love him more. ” “rocking him to sleep AGAIN?! she needs to learn her abcs.” And the fairy born with the child becomes very possessive of the child it was born with. “Well my child didn’t get a cookie, why can that one?” And on and on…

    Reply
  6. Mrs Lighty

    LOVE this! *Goes off to share with all my mummy friends and simultaneously finds wine to throw on guilt fairy because I’m reading blogs when I should be sorting out Baby Lighty’s bag for the childminder’s tomorrow*

    Reply
  7. Em

    I’m pretty sure if we say, “I don’t believe in fairies” then somewhere a fairy dies. I saw this in a documentary called, “Hook”.

    Using that logic, we can kill her off if we’re willing to take the risk that the toothfairy might be a casualty of war? (I’m happy to take the risk….the toothfairy is a bit of an enamel loving wierdo in my book).

    I love the post, thank you

    Reply
    1. Danni

      I know this post and your comment are from months ago but I just found it (freaking spot on and hilarious!). I love your Hook as a documentary line! Fabulous!
      When you have a kid with Autism that damn fairy gets extra ammo and SAS training.

      Reply
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  9. Karen

    Very funny loved it til I got to the “wish I was adopted” statement. Mother to three adopted children, not sure it is a nice thing to be saying to be honest, and anyway, we adoptive mums feel like that too, so what are our children supposed to say, send me back?

    Reply
    1. Katie Post author

      Hi Karen sorry you felt like that. Obviously that wasn’t what he said or would ever say, it’s poking fun at the fact that children are actually bothered by minor indiscretions by their parents, of course they would rather be with the ones they love! X

      Reply
      1. Carmen

        As a fellow adoptive parent, I agree with Karen, and don’t think your reply really addressed her concern. Adoption is not just the punchline to a joke, it’s a necessary response to help children who have been neglected and/or abused by their birth parents. Their ongoing trauma is a reality for thousands of families and it’s bloody hard work for all concerned. ‘Sorry I was offensive’ would be more appropriate than ‘sorry you didn’t like it’. I suggest you read ‘No Matter What’ by Sally Donovan so you understand what you’re making jokes about.

        Reply
        1. Katie Post author

          Hi Carmen, thanks for your note. I can see it was a poorly thought out reference by me, it was meant to be a ridiculous notion and I hate to think I have caused upset to you and other adoptive mums for the clearly amazing job you do. I’ve remove the reference from the post, I’m very sorry x

          Reply
        2. Teresa Liddell Shepherd

          But.. children DO say that… it’s a fact. It’s the opposite to the child who feels adoption equates to rejection from their own parents, which in effect it does, but that is a stage, and the vast majority see real parents as the person who loved and cared for them, whether a sister, brother, aunt, grandparents – whoever it is. “I wish I was adopted” is as likely a cry of rage as “I wish I wasn’t adopted. Just like those who have curly hair and vice versa.” Neither is a criticism, it’s just the contrary nature. The most important thing is to talk about the source of the rage – which is only a form of protest, with difficult emotions behind it. It’s our job as parents to help a child through that anger. But viewed with humour helps to normalise the situation. We realise every child says those things, every child feels those things, and rejection is a temporary thing. What’s most important is for it to be seen as it is, not something outrageous, but an important stage in development and learning about themselves and others and how to cope with feelings.

          Reply
          1. Nana

            What my grandson recently said might be a more appropriate line: ‘I wish I belonged to another family!’

        3. Photogirl

          For crying out loud. It was a joke. And kids say things like that. If you want politically correct site you probably should go somewhere else. Jesus Christ.

          Reply
  10. Anna

    In my case the SGF made me read Gina Ford book and try and implement a routine on a 2week old! That lasted for about 3 months of a frenzied bfeeds, expressing instead of sleeping to increase supply, putting not sleepy baby to sleep for hours and then waking him up after 20 min because Gina’s schedule said so. Feeling guilty all the time never mind that the child was actually healthy and happy in himself. After 3 months I woke up from under SGF spell, stopped questioning myself and live relatively happy life of a child rearing Dumbo – if you switch off constant ‘read, check, evaluate’ part of the brain the fairy can’t get out to poke, prod and torture so easily. Loving it!

    Reply
  11. Val Pownall

    I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much – and I’m a Nana and spend a lot of time looking after my two little granddaughters! Nearly crying with laughing! Believe me …. it never ends! *Reaches for the gin*

    Reply
  12. kajal

    This did make me laugh… however I must be the nature’s only weirdo who never felt guilt even after noon breakfasts and midnight icecreams… everyone around me keeps saying I have a happy-go-lucky manner and that my daughter is the same as me, is that a veiled criticism? Honestly though I am happy to read your post as it strengthens my belief that what ever you do there will be some one to say u did it wrong so why bother ?? Smile… you get another chance to mess it all up tomorrow

    Reply
    1. Fiona

      I did not put down bloody Gina Ford (Who actually deserves the biggest SGF of all) because of my own SGF constantly reminding me that I was a crappy Mummy because I couldn’t get the routines to work. I put myself and probably my little boy through hell for 18 months and guess who pops round to remind me of that on a regular basis!

      Reply
  13. Tanya

    Absolutely loved this! True for when my two were tiny, and now as a grandma! I tend to go with “drown her in wine”

    Reply
  14. Gita R

    The guilt fairy starts before pregnancy. “It’s your fault your not getting pregnant”, “You have failed as a woman”. Even those that make the active choice not to have children: “Well, you must be a selfish bitch then”.

    The guilt fairy is part of EVERY woman’s brain, mother or not. I’d love to drown her in wine, but that would reduce my chances of conception even more :-(

    Reply
    1. Kirstie

      Absolutely! I don’t have children but the guilt fairy is a hard one to tame for women especially. Is it the way we were raised watching our own guilt ridden mothers or carers? Fuck all guilt fairies!! More logic, compassionate brain please

      Reply
  15. Estelle

    I had the guilt fairy for the first few years of motherhood but decided I’d be better with a good pat on the back so I squished the guilt fairly with back slaps of self encouragement! Parenting from a place of guilt is debilitating tell yourself everyday that nobody can parent your child better than you and give yourself a well done pat on the back.

    Reply
  16. Clare

    Sorry to tell you this, but……. SHE NEVER GOES AWAY … my “children” are 38 and 36… I live in a different country! How dare I do that? Why am I not there to help? More recently – how dare I upset my son by voting differently from him in the referendum? It’s all my fault – everything is all my fault…… – My answer is to set a goat on her, that’ll fix her.

    Reply
  17. Carolyn MacDonald

    This was great to read and brought a smile and a chuckle from me. My ‘Baby” is now 25 and the guilt doesn’t stop with the baby and all the shitty comments about what other mothers do and what we do etc. The guilt continues on ladies I am afraid to say because those babies grow up and the comparisons from other people is always there. All I can say is try very very hard not to buy into it and squash that horrible fairy as often as you can

    Reply
  18. Eleanor

    I do love visiting your site, because your ability to say it with one tiny picture trounces my ability to say it in words every single time. The breastfeeding picture here should be on a flash card. Well done. We all knows it, but you drew it.

    Reply
  19. Carry on katy

    Fecking hilarious and to the point as always! Bravo!
    I’ll be buying your book for my own pleasure…oh, but shouldn’t I spend the cash on broccoli for my kids instead? But no, they don’t even like broccoli….unless it’s wrapped in batter and cheese. Oh shit. I’m so terrible. I’m a shit mum. I’m going to buy some wine to cope with the realisation.
    #fuck
    #damnthatpeskyfairy
    Xxxx

    Reply
  20. The Unsung Mum

    Love this so much!! Why is it that is mums never think we are good enough and have loads of guilt?! Bein a parent is a 24 hour 7 days a week job, and we all need some guilt free downtime! I loved the bit about the food, I’m bloody guilty as charged for cooking my kids shit food but I hate throwing good food away. Oh well…Ill just try and temp the SGF to join me for cake and get her so far so can’t fly. That will work right?!

    Reply
  21. Faye

    This is all so true. Wish people would lighten up too, can’t even make a lighthearted post without someone getting their back up about something these days (I was adopted, didn’t find anything wrong with what she said, IT’S JUST WHAT SOME KIDS SAY fgs)

    Reply
  22. Christina Bennett

    This made me laugh so incredibly much!!!! So funny and yet it’s so true! Why do we do these things to ourselves? We all do the best we can and none of us are perfect, so why do we always beat ourselves up about it? As long as the kids are alive, fed and not covered in poo by the end of the day then I think my day has been a success!!!!

    Reply
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  26. Vicki Garneau

    Shitty guilty fairy is spot on as every mom’s nightmare!
    Can’t wait for your SGF spray.
    I have also added your book for auto delivery from Amazon.

    Reply
  27. Becca

    I really love this entry, I’m so bad at fixating on any moment where I feel a less than perfect mum. This reminds me that we’re all in the same boat and just need to stop worrying so much!

    Reply
  28. Sophia

    This reminds me of when I was having trouble breastfeeding my first child. I was explain to my health visitor that my daughter (she was a few weeks old at this point) was crying and crying while I tried to breastfeed her and then sucked so happily when I gave her the bottle. My health visitor said, “Did you feel guilty when she did that?” and I replied that I did. Then she said one of the most brilliant things ever: “Yeah, they’re good at doing that to you,” and then reassured me that as long as my daughter was fed and happy, that was all that mattered. My logical health visitor saved my sanity on many occasions, that’s for sure.

    Reply
  29. Lois

    Hilarious & spot on as usual! I felt guilty for not holding out a bit longer before being induced (you know it might have been a more natural birth than being prepped for emergency surgery & yanked out with forceps so big they are banned in certain countries – logic whispers that she was in a weird position and would have got stuck however I went into labour). Then I got the guilt about only breast feeding for 4 months before I gave up to go on my best friends hen do – I really needed that hen do after a really tough 4 months and I had the time of my life and found the old me! I do also have the not enjoying playing with barbies & guess who guilt, working almost full time guilt & have I fed them enough home cooked food guilt.

    I love them & they love me so fuck it.

    I am slightly annoyed by Karen & Carmens comments – if they follow your posts they should know the humour, that you mean no offence & therefore no need to comment at all. Well handled anyway & don’t change!

    Reply
  30. Rhyming with Wine

    Love love love love! Sign me up for the biggest can of spray you’ve got! (And I’m so pleased that it’s not just me that finds imaginary game playing so tedious it makes my teeth hurt!) x

    Reply
  31. Lynne Steer

    My eldest is 17 and the Shitty guilt fairy is still here… in fact she was being particularly annoying when my 17 year old was trying to talk to me this morning whilst I was trying to read this blog… RUDE!

    Reply
  32. Steve

    Hating guilt rather than yourself is okay as long as you keep sight of what matters to your child. If your child is happy and loves you then a few mistakes here and there aren’t worth obsessing about. We should always want to and try to improve as parents. Guilt is a normal healthy response to doing something wrong. If you don’t experience any guilt/remorse, you’re a psychopath.

    Reply
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  34. Paul

    I doubt if this stuff is too helpful for mums who are suffering depression. And as a consequence if might not be too good for the children.

    Reply
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