It is Sunday lunchtime at Topsy and Tim’s house and Mummy has been making a delicious roast dinner whilst listening to the twins complain about how difficult their lives are.
She is in a happy mood and nothing will break her. Even when Tim pisses all over the toilet floor (again) she cleans it up with a heart full of joy.
Mummy has just finished Febreezing Tim when she hears the key turn in the lock. Oh good – Daddy is home from surfing!
Daddy likes going surfing because he is approaching 40 and struggling to come to terms with his rather pathetic existence. Daddy is the twins favourite parent despite the fact he prefers surfing to spending time with them.
Mummy knows they are joking and that they appreciate everything she does for them deep down.
‘OK everyone dinner time’ she calls.
Mummy is looking forward to the delicious meal because family time together is very precious. It’s lovely to sit down around the table and have a proper conversation…
After dinner the twins carry on being cute and adorable so Mummy makes herself a nice mug of
tea wine and sits down to read the Sunday Times Style supplement.
Mummy might sometimes feel tempted to tell Topsy to PISS RIGHT OFF but she is a good person and she knows that children are a blessing so instead she takes everybody to Hobbycraft and spends £137 on glitter glue.
Later on, to thank her for her generosity, Topsy throws Mummy’s expensive perfume out of the bedroom window for fun.
It is now 7pm which is the twins bedtime. Mummy breathes a sign of relief – she has been so patient and kind all day that we mustn’t begrudge her looking forward to getting the children to bed.
Unfortunately instead of going to bed the twins choose to spend 2.5 hours dicking about. When they do finally make their way upstairs there is an exciting revelation…
The twins would love to help Mummy but it is now 9.37pm and they are very tired from all of the dicking about.
Daddy would love to help Mummy too but he is busy
having a midlife crisis and looking up wanky sports cars he can’t afford on the internet finishing off an important work presentation. Instead he pops in every 20 minutes to get another beer and offer some constructive feedback.
I LOVE MY LIFE thinks Mummy as she attempts to fashion the dome out of Muller Crunch Corner pots.
Mummy finally crawls into bed at 2.37am. She is exhausted but thankful. ALWAYS thankful.
At 3.48am Tim wakes up in a pool of piss.
At 4.47am Topsy wakes up because she has been having a nightmare about the whole family getting chopped up by a huge machete wielding bunny rabbit.
At 5.25am the twins wake up for the day. Mummy has had approximately 18 minutes of sleep which is fine. It’s just fine isn’t it?
But she is feeling a wee bit tired so instead of making them their usual organic Goji berry granola she gives them the iPad and a packet of KitKats for breakfast.
It’s a one off ok!!!!!!!
Mummy carefully carries the Muller Corner Taj Mahal to school, she is very tired now and looks a bit like an extra from The Walking Dead. On the way they bump into Capable Louise. Capable Louise has about 50 children who always look nice and clean and clean and nice.
There is a long awkward silence as Mummy processes this information.
She tries to think of something a nice mummy would say but she CANNOT!
SHE IS ALL OUT OF NICE.
She has had enough…
Don’t fuck with Mummy you ungrateful shits!
THE END.P.S. My new book is out NOW. It is very stupid and makes a good Christmas present for people who like rude words. It is certainly not for children. You can buy it on Amazon (currently 69% off!) here or in all good bookshops and supermarkets :)