*** Please note that ALL characters and events in this story are completely fictional and any similarities to real life is COMPLETELY coincidental ***
So… THE MUMS NIGHT OUT!
You know the one right? The one it’s taken 2.5 years to organise because someone has always been pregnant or breastfeeding.
Well tonight’s the night and EVERYONE can attend!
That is until you get a phone call from Lucy…
Never mind, Lucy was always boring as shit anyway.
Now it’s time to get ready. The problem is that you have absolutely no idea what the youth of today wear anymore. You went into Topshop to have a look around but it was a loud, terrifying place full of bright lights and teeny tiny items of mouse sized clothing.
Don’t worry It’s ok to be scared sometimes, it’s hard getting old! Have a cup of tea and a biscuit and feel much better.
So you now have three options: –
1. Wear one of your too small/short/tarty pre-kids clubbing outfits
2. Wear a flowery tea dress and hope for the best
3. Just stay in and watch the telly
3 is very, very temping but you could make 2 work if you wear the right make up. Put on a bright statement lipstick to detract from your eye-bags and then cover your entire face in Touche Éclat.
TOP TIP! Drink whilst you do your make up because it makes you think it looks better.
Time to meet up with your friends. You feel simultaneously reassured and terrified to discover that everyone has gone for outfit option 2 and is dressed like a slutty version of Kirsty Allsopp. Apart from Lisa who went with option 1 and looks a bit like Shirley from Eastenders.
Never mind – you’ve made it out and you feel AMAZING. Look at you all having fun! Someone has even bought a selfie stick (so cool). Make sure you take lots of photos to post on Facebook as evidence of what INCREDIBLY CRAZY PEOPLE you are!
Now, the thing to remember is that as you don’t get out much anymore, your tolerance to alcohol is probably lower than it used to be. You should be careful to drink slowly and NEVER mix drinks.
Something like this…
Never mind you’ll be OK as long as you remember to have a glass of water between each round…
So the upshot is that everyone is now rat arsed. Someone suggests moving onto a club which is obviously the best idea ever.
When you get to the club you should all proceed directly to the toilet and spend a considerable amount of time stroking each other. #FRIENDS4EVA
It can feel tempting to spend the whole night in the loo but you must make the most of your WILD night out. There are SO many fun things to do…
Perform some lunges, do shots of tequila, steal someones jaunty hat, try and flirt with a hipster.
Why not be a total ROCKSTAR and do all of the above simultaneously…
You look at your watch – it’s only 9.47pm.
You are not really a rockstar after all. What you are is a (nearly) middle aged mum making a spectacle of yourself in a slightly grotty chain pub.
Where the hell is everybody else?
You find Rachel blagging fags in the smoking area, utterly convinced she has made BFFs with a group of teenage boys.
You find Steph gyrating on a table top. Lisa is showing photos of her children to the bar staff and OH GOD – now Rachel has started to hump a pot plant…
It’s time to leave!
Go and find a late night McDonald’s (actually just a normal will do as it’s still only 10.34pm).
Maccie D’s is a great place to stuff your faces with chicken nuggets and also a great place to have an emotional breakdown about a boy who dumped you in 1997.
Steph looks a bit peeky. Put Steph in the back and put mouthy Lisa in the front.
Lisa can distract the taxi driver with tedious chat about school catchments areas whilst Steph can do a tactical chunder into her handbag like the classy bird she is.
G’wan Steph thatta girl!
OK you’re home. You (not me this is fictional remember) might have forgotten your keys or lost your keys or thrown them at a seagull for skwarking too loudy. You might be hammering down the door and shouting obscenities through the letterbox. You might collapse into the hallway when your pissed off husband finally gets out of bed to let you in…
You might then feel hungry and stuff your face with an entire 6 pack of crisps because Peter Pan LOVES Quavers…
…before crawling into bed half clothed for a lovely, lovely long sleep.
BUGGER. Did you forget you had children?
Oh dear you poor thing!
…and I hope you didn’t forget about little Charlie’s soft play birthday party with a 10am start time?!
Oh you did?
You poor, poooooooor thing *sadface*
Psssssst my new book is out NOW in all good bookshops and supermarkets or you can nab copies from Amazon here :)
If you like you can also come drink gin with me on my book tour! Dates and locations are here