MUMMY! MUMMY! MUMMMMMEEEEEEYYYY!!!

Before I had kids I imagined talking to them would be one of the best things about being a parent – Oh the hours I would while away with my children laughing, answering questions and eventually putting the world to rights together – It would be the very basis of the close bond we would form.

When I saw other parents out and about doing stuff like this, it would make me feel so sad…

shutup7

 

I would almost want to run over and rescue that poor child from it’s bitch of a mother…

shutup4

I would never tell my kids to shut up – NO WAY!

In my ‘Imagining what it would be like to have kids utopia’ we would lie about on top of beautiful sun drenched hills and chat ALL day about EVERYTHING! #blessed

hill

It was going to be AWESOME!

So when my biggest boy was very little I couldn’t wait for him to start talking. I couldn’t wait for him to say ‘Mummy’. We would practise everyday…

dada2

And then one day he got it and it made my heart melt into a big pool on the floor. How lucky I felt to be somebody’s Mummy!

mama

But before long he started saying it quite a lot…

mamamama

And then we had another one and there were two lots of people saying it lots of times…

mamamamax2

I taught them other words too – what an idiot! They started to put them together to form sentences. Really. Annoying. Sentences.

‘Why is purple called purple? What is snot made of? Why don’t you have a willy? Why can’t vegetables talk? When are you going to die?’

I wouldn’t mind so much but half the things they choose to talk about about don’t even make sense. For example, this is an actual question from my eldest…

Mummy why do we have feet attached to our legs?’

It took everything in me, everything, not to reply like this…

walk

[Note: please don’t swear at your kids as it’s not a very nice thing to do and also they repeat stuff like that at school and make you look bad.]

f word

The thing is, I do like talking to them, I really, really do it’s just that it NEVER stops.

Even at night when they are meant to be sleeping…

‘Mummy Is it morning yet? MUMMY why isn’t it morning? Mummy why is morning taking so long? Mummy why do people need to sleep? Mummy wouldn’t it be better if we all just stayed awake all night because then we would have more time to play?’

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you cannot escape. There is literally nowhere to hide. Do you remember my pre-child fantasy of lying around on top of hills chatting? Yeh well the reality was pretending I needed a shit just to get 5 minutes peace.

And even that didn’t work!

loo2

Sometimes It feels like the conversations we have are entirely circular with no beginning or end. Sometimes it feels like they are saying ‘Mummy’ purely to annoy me.

convo3

Suddenly the word that once sounded so sweet can start to sound like nails clawing at a blackboard…

nails

[Note: sorry about the weird scary hand it was difficult to draw as am not used to doing hands.]

It can feel a bit like you are trapped in a dark void where someone just repeats ‘Mummy’ for infinity x 1000 and there is no escape!

dark room

Sometimes I say to my kids ‘Ok please just stop calling me Mummy for a minute, just call me something else?’

‘What shall we call you then’? they ask.

‘ANYTHING! ANYTHING EXCEPT MUMMY!’

‘Ok…’

poohead

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

TOP TIP:  If you do end up in a Mummy/Poohead void then I can totally recommend the below game. It’s really simple, you just basically lob a packet of Aldi knockoff chocolate fingers down the bottom of the garden and shut the door. You’re welcome.

biscuit hunt2

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Like my witterings? You can buy my first book here and pre-order my second book here :)

Books3

94 thoughts on “MUMMY! MUMMY! MUMMMMMEEEEEEYYYY!!!

  1. Thomas Smith

    That game would totally work on me too! You had me at chocolate…
    Really funny post and great fun to read. Love the pics.
    It’s put a big old smile on my face. Thank you.
    X

    P.s. I hope ‘Poohead’ hasn’t caught on.

    Reply
  2. Vicki

    I just spat my tea out laughing at the image of a dark room where only “MUMMY MUMMY” is said for infinity. My daughter is barely two but she was can say variations of “Mummy” in different tones. There is a “Mummy!” or “MUMMY MUMMY” or “Muuuuuuuuuummmmmmmiiii” (etc etc) for what seems like a millions occasions :D

    Reply
      1. Nightowl

        Ha ha, my son did that when he was about 14 after which I became Bumhole! So in a casual conversation when he had a mate over, he starts the sentence.. “bumhole, is it OK if….” and his mate couldn’t believe his ears… “hold on, did you just call your mum BUMHOLE???”… and I still am bumhole. He’s 28 now and birthday and mother’s day cards are addressed to ‘bumhole’ or ‘my lovely bummy’ . Bless him.

        Reply
    1. Emma

      oh my god this is actually my life! Haha! Laughed out loud at this! Especially the part where you have two kids both saying Mummy, because guess what? Me too!
      Both mine, a year apart spend their entire day just repeating the word MUMMY. All day. For no reason other than they can now pronounce a word instead of just that whiney noise that used to come out! So I answer them, yes? They just continue to say mummy!! They look at me and just KEEP SAYING MUMMY!! It’s like having two ninjas determined to mentally break me because they are too small to do it physically.
      Thanks for the heads up about the questions. I’ve not quite made it to that stage. Yet. By then I anticipate I’ll be totally deaf anyway.
      Burst out laughing at the feet answer you wanted to give.

      Reply
    2. Sam Pooley

      Dear Hurrah for Gin
      I am currently in a static caravan in North Wales with three small children and the gin ran out on the second night. No transport and the phone got smashed so no contact with the outside world other than a very tenuous wifi connection. I just wanted to thank you – I have purchased a packed of digestive biscuits from the no fruit shop on the camp site and am about to hide them on the beach and give them a spade each.
      will be purchasing the book if I make it out alive.

      Reply
  3. Anne Canning

    Forget “laugh out loud” I have tears rolling down my face and have a stitch from laughing sooo much!!!

    Thank you so much for making me feel “normal” I am buying your book now!!!

    Loving your work and don’t stop!!

    Annie xx

    Reply
  4. Heidi

    hahahahahaha! OMG! I have had a similar conversation this week with my husband. They never never never stop talking. They are at their Grandparents tonight and I thought I had gone friggin’ deaf. I read somewhere that a 4year old asks 437 questions in a day. It’s probably rubbish. My 5yr old asks that many in the very first nanosecond of each day followed by a rendition of Gina G’s ooh aah just a little bit. I love them to bits (both boys, aged 5 and 9) but sometimes we just have to put them on a room together and shut the door.
    The worst one though? When you’ve heard ‘muuuummmy’ so many times and just at that moment when you snap ‘WHAT??!’ the little bugger comes back with ‘I love you’ ; )

    Reply
    1. Amber

      Oh God. My 6yr old does that! MUMMY. MUMMY. MUMMY. MUMMY. MUMMY. MUMMY. MUMMY.
      me -WHAAAAAT??!
      Him. I love you.
      Cute the first time. But not the 15th time that morning.
      I think he just does it to fill the silence, and he knows I won’t bollock him if he ends with cuteness.

      Reply
  5. Kay Biggs

    I love the the toiket bit with kids outside we can all identify with it. My kids are grown up but i have grandchildren so i am enjoying mummy activities on a regular basis. I couldnt stop laughing. The chocolate finger biscuit dow he garden. Genius.

    Your observations are hilarious and so true to life we can all identify with them. The normal mother so funny !! You deserve the success of a bestseller !!

    Reply
  6. bróna Uí Loing

    I am a granny and I mind 2 grandkids, who always come in when I am peeing and I get a round of applause to which I have to bow. I get Gran, Granny, Grannie , I need you now . when Mammy or Daddy come I get Head off now . Just as well I love them

    Reply
  7. Jennie - Mummy Vs The World

    Unfortunately I can absolutely relate. Today my son called me ‘poopy’ and my husband told him to call me something nice. He then called me ‘nice poopy’. I’m still trying to come up with an answer as to why I don’t have a willy…

    Reply
    1. Jo

      My answer has been truthful, boys have their willies and balls on the outside to help mummies make babies, mummys have their willies and balls on the inside because they carry the babies. Thankfully he hasn’t asked how they get there yet but he has been sneakily watching Lego and Minecraft videos on the subject!! Mum is now a swear word in our house, I’m a single parent and he never stops, always making a noise even if its just total nonsense, squeals, whoops . . Any time alone feels like a luxury, I can see why white noise and sleep deprivation are used as means of torture, its broken my spirit!

      Reply
  8. Rachel

    So funny but true, I used to lock myself in the toilet just so I could read a book or mag in pease. Daughter used to shout ‘mummy where are you’ -me ‘ in the loo’ her how long are you going to be ‘ me ‘I don’t know’ her ‘are you doing a poo?’ Me yes’ (even though lid was down and I was just reading’ her ‘ok I’ll sit outside the door and wait’ FFS!! Then have running commentary about how she can’t hear me ‘plopping or farting’ double FFS. Ok darling, I’ve finished now grrrr. Well she’s 15 now and there is a part of me that misses all of the ❤️

    Reply
  9. Isobel

    I think my 4yo daughter’s favourite thing is to wait until I’m elbow deep in the sink, then repeatedly shout “Mummy!” from half way up the stairs. So I have to dry my hands and go to see what she wants, to then be asked the most inane questions. “Mummy, what happens if you step on a squirrel?” What!?

    Reply
  10. haynar

    Cheers for the choccie fingers game – do you think it’ll work at an upcoming birthday party? Also… you’ll be alright you will, in reply to the mummy mummy mummy rant you can say “ah waddya want, ah waddya want, ah waddya want?” over and over like a stuck Shaking Stevens record (remember that song? …probly just me). The little darlings will soon give you the weirdo wide-berth and find something else to torture. And pls always remember thumbs… 4 fingers and 1 thumb on a hand. Quite scary.

    Reply
  11. jen

    So my son’s not quite two yet, but he has a few words – bubble, apple, ow, dada, hi, wow, etc…. Recently he’s gotten into a ‘didit’ kick – he says it all the time. So I’ve been saying back to him “I did it!” So this morning he threw a shoe at me. I said “Don’t do that!” and of course he says back “I did it!”

    Reply
  12. Sam Davies

    We love you Gin Lady xxxxx and who ever invented the word ‘Whining’? I hate it but seem to be saying it a lot this week with the word ‘stop’ in front of it!

    Reply
  13. Clare Lumsden

    My daughter said “What were you doing in there, MUMMY?” as I emerged from the loo after 20 minutes. Caught red handed with my ipad in hand, I replied “Reading a book.”.
    “Right,” she said firmly, “well I am going to read a book in the sitting room now Mummy. Like normal people.” (Except, of course, she didn’t. Two glorious seconds of peace later, she bounced back to tell me the Entire. Plot. Of. The. Book. To. Date.)

    Reply
  14. Cheryl

    My 6yo is trying to make up jokes which was really cute a week ago but now I am 7 days in… what do you call a dog with no legs? Dogless is of course the answer you were looking for. What do you call a car with a ‘d’ on the end? Card. Do you get it? Do you though? Followed by hysterical laughter. The same two jokes. Every single conversation. Every single day. And if I don’t join in the laughter he looks all hurt and disappointed. I have given up trying to explain how jokes work and what makes them funny and am opting for getting him to tell them to everyone we see to spread the torture/joy. Mwa ha ha. They all look at me like I am losing it… they may be right! Totally going to try the biscuit thing. Cheers!

    Reply
  15. Rebecca goodwin

    I have the stewie from family guy ringtone! Mom, mom, mom, mummy, mummy etc. Having two boys the same age as Katie’s I feel her pain! Read her book, it was like an autobiography of my life!! Thanks for sharing your life with us, makes mine feel so much more normal! It’s proper lol funny, well worth a read xx

    Reply
  16. Caroline O'Neill

    Muuuuuuuuuuuummmm! Aghh it could easily drive you to drink!!

    Slightly off topic but still funny… My nephew (7) tonight had full on snot bubbles meltdown because he found out that his school is having a slightly longer term (by 1 day) than our girls school!! Ahh it’s great being a parent!

    Reply
  17. Theresa

    Omfg I’m crying here, I used to hide in the bathroom in our old place it had no windows and the only room with a lock. I used to escape in there. Regular. To the point I named the bathroom the oubliette ( the little place of forgetting ). One of my mates text me and asked where I was, I said I was in a dark place, to which she replied ooo you’re hiding in the bathroom from the kids again lol. Once my best mate let herself in and my youngest announced loudly so the whole damn street heard “mummy must be doing a biiiiiiig poo cos she’s been in there ages”. Aren’t kids fucking wonderful. O yeah and my eldest announcing I was still lovely even if I did have witchy hairs on my chin. Why did I teach them to talk, and is duct taping their gobs shut, illegal or just frowned upon? Lol. Mummmmmmy. Another nonsense question and/or demand. Duty calls. Lol

    Reply
  18. Sarah

    What about the singing? No one has mentioned the singing. Does any one else’s children sing the tag lines for adverts over and over and over again. Its like they’re stuck on repeat! And do not get me started on Honey G! H to the O to the argh!!!

    Reply
  19. Kathy

    picture it….Poundland with my 5 young children, shopping for Halloween party decorations (‘what the hell?’ I hear you ask? I know I’m a fucking retard for what is this years stupidest idea yet) 2 year old strapped (tightly) in the buggy screaming his lungs out, all I hear is “mum, mum, mum” when I very sharply answer “Jesus Christ WHAT???” …. only to notice it wasn’t even one if my kids!!! Thank god his mum saw the humor and didn’t smack me, in fact I think I heard her say a few choice words herself at one point.

    Reply
  20. mel way

    My 6 year old daughter asked me today “mummy. Mummy. Mummy? What are seeds made from?”. Stumped me. Then asked “where do trees come from?” “Seeds” I reply. “So where do seens come from and what are they made from?” You can guess the rest of the eternal questioning….
    All whilst I am driving the car with her and her 4 year old sister fighting in the back.

    Reply
  21. Gayle

    I got so annoyed with the mummy thing and moaned to my husband that I was going to change my name, I just couldn’t deal with it.

    He spoke with my daughter.

    For the last 6 days she has been calling me Trevor.

    Reply
  22. Amy

    Just read this article and was laughing so hard. I didn’t realise it was a book. Have just clicked onto amazon and brought one straight away ☺️ Can’t wait, although gutted it’s long delivery

    Reply
  23. Lindsey

    Ha ha ha I’m not a fan of ladies saying ‘taking a s***’ so I read poo instead ha – just a weird thing I have ha ha

    But it was very good and laugh out loud funny, hardly anything I read makes me laugh out loud – so I very much enjoyed it thank you xx

    I only have a 3 year old and she’s not too annoying with all these questions but I have a feeling they ain’t far away ha x

    Linds

    Reply
  24. Rachel Duncan

    I could literally hug you to death. Although I won’t because there are laws against that sort of thing (plus I’d miss your blog too much). As a mum (or ‘MUMMY!!’) to two boys aged 5 and 3, this is my life. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just boys?! Or whether mine are particularly annoying?! Other friends’ girls seem to colour and draw for, like, hours… Anyway, it’s just a relief to know I’m not alone in counting the word’mummy’ used over 500 times pre-9am one morning last month!

    Keep up the good work, you lift a dark day. Have bought 4 copies of your book already. Obligatory 1st birthday present (for mummy) in my opinion. Sort of the manual you always wished you had from the start! … X

    Reply
  25. Zoe Moran

    I used to be a childminder and I admit to pretending to need a poo for 5 minutes peace. I’d sit there in the dark as light on equals noisy extractor fan on and not being able to hear the kids, my sense of responsibility didn’t completely desert me!

    Reply
  26. Rachel Duncan

    PS, got asked today “why are the leaves?”
    I replied “do you mean why are THERE leaves, darling?”
    “(Angrily) “No! Why are the leaves?
    “Why are the leaves what, sweetheart?”
    “Why are the leaves?! Why are the leaves?!”
    “(losing the will to live)”Darling, that doesn’t make sense…”
    “(cue mahoosive meltdown) WHY ARE THE LEAVES?????”

    Reply
  27. Beth

    OMG. I heart you. This is my house every day. It is like groundhog day. Over and over. “mummy, can help with this lego, mummy, mummy, mummy, I need help with my homework, are you listening mummy, why aren’t you answering me mummy, mummy I’m cold can you get my trousers, mummy can you get a jumper.”Christ. I have two boys. I love them with my whole heart but I’m so fucking tired. But I love your blog and book! Brilliant. Off to fetch a G&T.

    Reply
  28. Katie

    When I was small my Mum took great delight in changing her name to supercalifragilisticexpialidocious to get around the mummy issue. This was unpronouncable and confusing for my small self. I am now the proud owner of a 16 month old boy…oh the exciting times I have to look forward to!

    Reply
  29. Gill

    I barricaded myself into the bathroom the other day with my (still unread) book. After a few minutes of ignoring my 2 year old son knocking on the door, I realised he’d actually started to sing “Do you wanna build a snowman?”

    Reply
  30. Jo Griffin

    Hahaha! This week’s killer questions from the 5-year-old: “Mummy, what’s this?”, Me: “It’s a testicle, I’d stop doing that to it if I were you”, 5-y-o: “What’s it for?”, Me: “Ummm … well … [extensive explanation of the seed analogy of human reproduction], 5-y-o: wanders off with allosaurus and triceratops to see which hurts most when it hits his sister. That gets me, when they don’t even listen to the answer.

    He also tells absolutely bafflingly random jokes. “Why did the allosaurus cross the road?” … “Because there was a big shop there and a river and it had lots of hair and the snowman ate it and … etc, etc”

    Reply
  31. Shweta

    OMG.. so true and damn hilarious.. it was hard to suppress my laughter reading it in the passport office.. totally made my day…

    Reply
  32. Sarah Harrison

    I loved this – big hint to my sons (now thankfully 15, 19 and 22) for Christmas!! But I had all 3 of them asking innane questions for YEARS!!!!!
    At least the ‘mummyyyyyyyy’ stops, but then the next stage starts – it goes something like this:
    ‘Mum, I neeeeeeeeed a new phone’
    – No you don’t I bought you one for your birthday
    ‘Yes, but it’s not working any more’
    – Why?
    ‘Wellllll ………….. It’s like this, we were at the swimming pool the other day…..’
    – I’m not sure I really need to hear this!
    ‘Soooo………… basically…………..’
    – Oh do get on with it!
    ‘So, anyway, as I was saying, we were at the swimming pool and I jumped into the pool and I forgot that I still had my phone in the pocket of my swim shorts. I got out really quickly and we tried to dry the phone, but it’s not working any more and now I really really need a new one because without my phone I can’t possibly live…..’ (Note that this phrase is tumbled out in about 5 seconds flat and is probably the longest phrase said 15 year old has said to me since hitting adolescence!!!!)

    As you can imagine, the arguments went on for several days until, exhausted mentally, I gave in and bought the new b….. phone! Life then went back to ‘normal’ (mum asking questions all the time and adolescent son answering in his newly acquired language – neanderthal!

    Happy days – I love being a mother!

    Reply
  33. The Different Duck

    Ha ha ha! Brilliant! I keep meaning to keep a tally of the number of times my little one says ‘Mummy’ in a 24 hour period. Bet it would be hundreds… It’s like punctuation for him. Everything he says has to start and / or end with a “Mummy” or it just isn’t a proper sentence. As I’ve been sitting here writing this, he has said Mummy 18 times…

    Reply
  34. CeciliaL

    Brilliant! I can add to this in that I actually AM deaf… as in, I hear with a hearing aid, I don’t live in a world of silence by any means!! Unless I turn my hearing aid off, I can hear the MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY loud and clear. Trouble is, when I turn my hearing aid off (which can be hard to resist….) , my daughter switches to tapping me for attention and lemme tell you – that nonstop tapping turns into torture as well after a while, and the toilet scenario consists of little bits of paper or toys being fed through under the bathroom door for my attention…. :-D

    Reply
  35. jay watson

    I just want to say thank you for your awesome book that details real motherhood, after reading other parenting books I felt like a failure reading this just mad me realise drinking wine is acceptable lol I eagerly await your next book

    Reply
  36. VMAU

    Thank you. I laughed so hard I bought the book. My husband has no idea what’s going on … You have put into words so many of our experiences of motherhood. Thanks for helping us all see we’re not the only ones!

    Reply
  37. DAVID WHEELER

    I wrote this article a few years back, and hope it may be of some value. We brought up three kids – two boys and a girl – and they have not given us a day’s trouble in their lives, bless them.

    Bringing up Children.
    A fearful task – not for the faint-hearted!
    The Aim.
    The aim of bringing up children is to build them into responsible citizens and children of God, who know the rules of life, abide by them and are blessed as a result. This will make them an asset to society, a joy to their parents, and pleasing to God and themselves. They will grow up competent, confident and able to cope with life and all its challenges.
    The Rules of Life.
    There are basically two sets of rules – one originating from God, and many originating from man. Put differently: we either accept God’s morality as laid down in the Holy Scriptures, or we accept that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and morality, and no-one has the right to say what is right or wrong for anyone else.
    To me, the second option is a non-starter – it can be described as humanism and it leads to disaster, as we can see in many post-Christian Western nations.
    Points to Ponder.
    1. Children are fearfully and wonderfully made by our Creator.
    2. The brain of a child is probably better than those of its parents. Its memory is infinitely better. It has been demonstrated that the average child is capable of learning nine languages by the age of five.
    3. ‘Our’ children do not actually belong to us. They belong to God, and are lent to us. He has delegated to us the responsibility of parenthood – an awesome task indeed.
    God has also given us some clear instructions as to how to bring up children.
    From the Book of Proverbs:
    22:6. Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.
    13:24. Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.
    19:18. Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death.
    23:13. Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die.
    23:24. The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him.
    29:15. A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.
    29:17. Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire.
    22:15. Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away.
    17:21. To have a fool for a child brings grief; there is no joy for the parent of a godless fool.
    20:17. The righteous lead blameless lives; blessed are their children after them.
    Discipline.
    Discipline is a major ingredient of love. God uses it on us.
    Hebrews 12:
    5 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,
    “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
    6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”[a]
    7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
    12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 “Make level paths for your feet,”[b] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
    The main purpose of discipline is to keep us and our children out of trouble and out of Hell. God created the heavens and the Earth; God gave us rules, and God tells us clearly the consequences of keeping those rules, and the consequences of breaking those rules. These apply to us and our children, whether we believe them or not.
    How and when should discipline be applied?
    I believe that we should apply discipline, when our child has deliberately done something which he, (or she – here and elsewhere), knows is wrong. This would be deliberate disobedience of a parental command – or when he has been found being cruel to the cat, for example.
    When this happens, the child should be told, what he has done wrong, and sent to his bedroom. Then make the child lie face down on his bed and give him a smack or smacks on the bottom. The aim here is to cause pain – enough to drive all other thoughts out of his head – but minimum damage. This will vary with age – a single smack with the hand, when he is small, and a couple of whacks with a wooden spoon, shoe or cane, as he gets older.
    The child should then be allowed to cry for a couple of minutes, while he is in pain. Then he should be told to stop and be quiet, (as he is now crying for effect). He should then be told to apologise, for what he did wrong. Then he should be forgiven and given a big HUG.
    N.B. Don’t discipline your child, when you are angry with him. Discipline is not a form of angry vengeance; it is for the child’s good, and because you love him. It should be applied calmly and in a controlled fashion.
    Don’t tell your child that he is naughty, bad, stupid, foolish, etc. Tell him that he a good child, and that he is being punished, for what he did wrong – not for what he is.
    Threats and Warnings.
    Threats and warning tend to be counter-productive. Kids are very clever at pushing boundaries. If a child is doing something wrong, tell him not to – once. If he continues tell him again – with a tone of warning in your voice. If he continues, punishment should follow immediately.
    If you adopt the habit of counting to ten slowly, before you punish, he will never act before nine. “Do you want a smack?” is a stupid question and achieves nothing.
    Teaching our kids.
    Remember that their brains are brand new, and are superior to ours. Their memory capacity is absolutely awesome, although their memories are comparatively empty. For this reason we do not need to speak down to them or give them baby-talk.
    We need to treat them with respect, politeness and good manners from the beginning. They notice and learn a great deal from watching their parents. If the parents are polite and good mannered, that is how the kids will grow up. If the parents are rude, vulgar and bad mannered, that is how the kids will grow up. If parents shout at each other and at their kids, the kids will shout at people and at their parents. If the parents have good table manners, the kids will have good table manners, etc.
    Meals and Table Manners.
    This brings us to meal times. Meal times are an excellent time for parents and kids to interact and communicate. At least one meal a day should be had with all the family sitting at a properly laid table, and everyone should be encouraged to take part in the conversation. Table manners can also be taught here, so that, if our kids are invited out to a formal meal, they are not embarrassed by being unsure of the correct behaviour.
    Kid’s Questions.
    Kids tend to ask endless questions. This is good and healthy. They have wonderful, empty memories, and they are trying to fill those memories with useful, factual information. It is our duty and responsibility to fill those memories correctly. Never give your child false information – it is like putting petrol in a diesel car. If you don’t know the answer to his question, tell him you don’t know; he will respect you for that. If you can, go and find out the answer, and then tell him. He will respect you for that too. Filling our children’s heads with truth is one of the greatest gifts we can give to society.
    Giving Attention to our Kids.
    When we are dealing with our kids, we should give them our full attention. If they are interrupting, when we are talking to someone else, we should tell them to be quiet and wait. Then, at the first opportunity, we should turn to them, give them our full attention, and address their issue.

    Danger.
    The world is full of dangers, and we need to teach our children how to cope with these. A good example is swimming pools. Many children drown in pools each year. The first rule is to expose them to the danger, when you are with them. If they are crawling close to the pool, warn them once that it is dangerous, and don’t pull them away. If anything encourage them to fall in, when you are there – even give them a little shove. Once they have experienced falling in and the ensuing panic, they will never again fall in, when you are not present. They will have learnt their lesson well. The same applies to things like climbing trees. Let them start on a small tree while you are nearby. We need to bring up rugged kids – not wimps.
    TV and Sugar.
    When your kids are young, do not expose them to Television. It is one of the most corrupting devices on Earth. They will learn bad behaviour, violence, how to be rude to their parents, witchcraft from the ‘cartoons,’ bad morality from the soaps. It is much better not to have a TV at all. TV destabilises our kids’ brains and gives rise to all sorts of bad behaviour and bad thought patterns. The same is true for adults too.
    Sugar is one of the main reasons for hyper-activity. Kids, pumped full of sugar, become over-excited, over-active and a problem to control. If they are never fed sugar, they will never miss it. If a kid is fed a healthy, wholesome diet from a young age, this will develop into a healthy, wholesome diet for life. Cut our sugar; be moderate with red meat, and use plenty of tasty, healthy nuts, salads, etc. Apart from anything else this diet is delicious.
    A combination of TV and sugars is the main reason for ADHD, (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder).
    The Alternative to TV.
    Kids have lost the art of communication with each other and with adults, and have become addicted to interfacing with technical gadgets – iPods, iPhones, Blackberries and “you name it’. Instead of spending hours in front of the ‘The Box’ – the phosphorescent god of the New Age – or playing with gadgets, get out and play sport with your kids – football, cricket, rounders, rugby, tennis. Teach them indoor games like snap, rummy, canasta, Scrabble, draughts, chess, bridge. Talk to them; read to them; debate with them. Teach them to read; give them good, interesting, stimulating, knowledge-filled books. Read and explain to them stories from the Bible. Take them to museums and science exhibitions. Teach them to make things: paper aircraft, wooden boxes, bows and arrows, the list is endless. Teach them how to cook – make pancakes. Go fruit picking in the woods. Go fishing, swimming, snorkelling, hunting, cycling, hiking. Kids, that are well brought up, can be such a pleasure to be with.
    KIDS WATCH OUR WALK. IF WE WALK OUR TALK, THEY MAY LISTEN TO OUR TALK, BUT THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO WALK OUR WALK.
    Warning.
    It is the job of parents to prepare our children for reality not to protect them from it. A kid, who is over-praised and under-disciplined, will never survive in the real world. Kids brought up like this never leave home, because they can’t survive in the real world.
    David Wheeler. 26/01/2014.

    Reply
    1. Jodi

      Do you think it’s really appropriate to daddy-jack the comments beneath a light-hearted humorous piece about motherhood with a sanctimonious religious lesson? Because I don’t, and it’s no wonder everyone else ignored you.

      Reply
  38. Amanda

    I once told my children that I was changing my name from Mummy but I wasn’t going to tell them what it was …. ever.

    Reply
  39. Rob

    Just me and my 11yr old girl…

    She shouts “Daaaaaaaaad” about 30 times a day (working full time to so thats before and after school only!!)

    We only live in a small cottage and theres no one else here…why does she have to shout me all the time? who else can she be talking to?

    Ive taken to shouting back “Whhhaaatttt?”(jokey fashion)

    neighbours must think I’m terrible!

    Reply
  40. Charlotte

    I’m reading this whilst my 9 year old is repeating “mummy, have you found it yet” at me because he wants me to find an old photo of our cats. For no reason. He just wants it to look at and has decided now is the best time to ask because I’m sitting quietly for 5 minutes trying to eat a sandwich in peace!

    Reply
  41. Sharon in Spain

    I’m a newbie to your blog and am just in the process of reading your book, which I’m really enjoying! I do remember (yes I have a good memory as my son is now almost 30!) when my son just couldn’t shut up from keep calling me all day…drove me nuts! I too told him to find something else to call me! LOL….fortunately I don’t recall him calling me anything too rude, but I could be wrong!!!
    Keep up the good work, it’s just brilliant!
    Hugs Sharon in Spain

    Reply
  42. Claire

    A Latvian friend pointed out to me that most other European toddlers say ‘Mama’ – which although must still be quite annoying when repeated a million times, doesn’t quite have the piercing drill through the temple quality of ‘mummEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE’.

    Reply
  43. Claire

    When my little one was three or so he’d go ‘Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, MUMMY….CLAIRE, CLAIRE!’ if I was taking too long to respond. Well, if ‘Claire’ works for Daddy he may as well give it a try.

    Reply
  44. Horja Ceesa

    This is a brilliant write up! I love it because it makes me feel I am not so abnormal after all! Born and brought in Africa but trying to raise our kids in a kinda bBritish way can be challenging! Often questioning myself if this or that is the right way forward! This abstract if I may call it so and the comments that ensue are rather soothing to my uncertain mind! I love it and I should buy!

    Reply
  45. Kelly

    This is my life.
    I don’t even have a lock on my bathroom door…..I literally have no where to hide.

    Car journeys are the worst.

    Reply
    1. Juliette

      I thought I was in luck when camping and found locks on the toilets in the block. Only my youngest found if he turned his head sideways he could slide under the door much to the amusement of other campers

      Reply
  46. Nikki

    This is hysterical. Thank fickle it’s not just me. My kids asked me recently why she needed legs. She was sure she could walk perfectly well with just feet at the bottom of her body

    Reply
  47. Margot

    We sometimes play the game: who can shut up the longest? It usually lasts for about 10 seconds tops.
    My kids start all their sentences with momy or “you know”. Also “momy, you know” or “you know momy). The seriously CANNOT do without. I even promised chocolate once if they can start a phrase without either or. What can I say, after 30 minutes I ate the chocolate :D

    Reply
  48. melanie

    Empathise we ALL of this and had me giggling over the computer at work….my 8 and 9 year old insist on calling me MUMMA still. it’s Mumma…mumma…mumma..mumma…why do you wash your hands …..to fucking clean them ( that wasn’t the response I gave ) …I come to work and all I hear is Miss…Misss….Miss…Misss….ARGH !

    Reply
  49. Laura Delaney

    Absolutely hilarious! I was crying with laughter the whole way through! Definitely what I needed after being woken at 4:30am by my daughter who was using me as a human climbing frame! X

    Reply
  50. Leigh

    Hi,
    I am currently deployed with the RN for 6 months and my wife is at home with our two boys (6 and 3) and i know all of this is what she is going though. As a dad i appreciate how hard it is for Mums especially as we are usually at work. Thank you for making me laugh whilst i am away from my two monsters and thumbs up to all you amazing Mums out there.

    Reply
  51. Amy Phillips

    On a slightly seriousness note, your parenting is clearly awesome as they are comfortable happy, bonded enough to feel they can ask you all these ridiculous questions, and clearly very clever too! x

    Reply
  52. single mum to moany boy and annoying girl

    I love your book. My dauggter pointed at the cover and asked if she could have that book as her bedtime story. Asked which one (as we were in my bedroom) she the one with the drawing of her and jamie on from when they were tiny. Sums. It. Up. What was almost as funny as the book was the lady who posted about how the bible teaches us to bring up children. That made me laugh too. Not the content, I didnt read it. Just the fact she thought it was appropriate. Ha ha. Ladies and gents, you are all doing a fantastic job. Il leave you with this……woke up in the middle of the night with my toddler standing next to the bed staring at me. After my scream i asked of he was okay. His reply, “I like yellow and eight. I’m a pirate” and back of to bed he went. Bizarre children!!

    Reply
  53. lizzie

    just wait until they hit their teens and turn into Kevin ;) was directed here by my mum, who wants to know a) why no one taught her the biscuit game sooner and b) what she did to deserve a second round of all this with not one but five grandchildren!

    Reply
  54. H-P

    Luckily most of us who dont have kids worked it through beforehand……………..That may tell you about the average intelligence of parents!

    Reply
  55. Gemma L

    It’s not the difficult questions that get’s me, It’s when you’re in the middle of answering said question and they don’t listen to the answer and ask you something else………………………

    Reply

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