Before I had kids I imagined talking to them would be one of the best things about being a parent – Oh the hours I would while away with my children laughing, answering questions and eventually putting the world to rights together – It would be the very basis of the close bond we would form.
When I saw other parents out and about doing stuff like this, it would make me feel so sad…
I would almost want to run over and rescue that poor child from it’s bitch of a mother…
I would never tell my kids to shut up – NO WAY!
In my ‘Imagining what it would be like to have kids utopia’ we would lie about on top of beautiful sun drenched hills and chat ALL day about EVERYTHING! #blessed
It was going to be AWESOME!
So when my biggest boy was very little I couldn’t wait for him to start talking. I couldn’t wait for him to say ‘Mummy’. We would practise everyday…
And then one day he got it and it made my heart melt into a big pool on the floor. How lucky I felt to be somebody’s Mummy!
But before long he started saying it quite a lot…
And then we had another one and there were two lots of people saying it lots of times…
I taught them other words too – what an idiot! They started to put them together to form sentences. Really. Annoying. Sentences.
‘Why is purple called purple? What is snot made of? Why don’t you have a willy? Why can’t vegetables talk? When are you going to die?’
I wouldn’t mind so much but half the things they choose to talk about about don’t even make sense. For example, this is an actual question from my eldest…
‘Mummy why do we have feet attached to our legs?’
It took everything in me, everything, not to reply like this…
[Note: please don’t swear at your kids as it’s not a very nice thing to do and also they repeat stuff like that at school and make you look bad.]
The thing is, I do like talking to them, I really, really do it’s just that it NEVER stops.
Even at night when they are meant to be sleeping…
‘Mummy Is it morning yet? MUMMY why isn’t it morning? Mummy why is morning taking so long? Mummy why do people need to sleep? Mummy wouldn’t it be better if we all just stayed awake all night because then we would have more time to play?’
And you cannot escape. There is literally nowhere to hide. Do you remember my pre-child fantasy of lying around on top of hills chatting? Yeh well the reality was pretending I needed a shit just to get 5 minutes peace.
And even that didn’t work!
Sometimes It feels like the conversations we have are entirely circular with no beginning or end. Sometimes it feels like they are saying ‘Mummy’ purely to annoy me.
Suddenly the word that once sounded so sweet can start to sound like nails clawing at a blackboard…
[Note: sorry about the weird scary hand it was difficult to draw as am not used to doing hands.]
It can feel a bit like you are trapped in a dark void where someone just repeats ‘Mummy’ for infinity x 1000 and there is no escape!
Sometimes I say to my kids ‘Ok please just stop calling me Mummy for a minute, just call me something else?’
‘What shall we call you then’? they ask.
‘ANYTHING! ANYTHING EXCEPT MUMMY!’
TOP TIP: If you do end up in a Mummy/Poohead void then I can totally recommend the below game. It’s really simple, you just basically lob a packet of Aldi knockoff chocolate fingers down the bottom of the garden and shut the door. You’re welcome.
Psssssst my new book is out NOW in all good bookshops and supermarkets or you can nab copies from Amazon here :)
If you like you can also come drink gin with me on my book tour! Dates and locations are here