In today’s super helpful blog post I would like to share with you my top tips for surviving mealtimes with fussy eaters! If you have a child who voluntarily eats vegetables then this post is not for you. Piss off.
Anyway here we go…
1. Knowledge share – In can be hard coming up with new recipes that encourage a varied diet. Get together with a group of fellow parents to swap ideas and inspire each other!
2. Make a list of options – you have two choices here: –
A, Make something from the safe list that they will eat without fuss.
B, Make something from the unsafe list which will make everyone cry.
3. Cook the dinner – in this example lets say you are feeling crazy and pick something from the ‘unsafe list’ such as an outlandish spaghetti bolognese.
Apologies but there is not much I can do to help you on your chosen path of doom but please, please at least make sure you BLEND THE FUCK OUT OF ANY VEGETABLES.
4. Plate up the food and take a few minutes to lament it’s inevitable demise – you are a good parent, you are trying to do a good thing. Pat your idiotic self on the back.
5. Announce dinnertime – even before learning what the dinner actually is the children might be unforthcoming to actually eat it, preferring instead to exist on yo-yo bears and hula-hoops to any actual meals.
6. Don’t be dispirited – drag the children to the table, plonk them on the chairs and wait eagerly to hear how much they appreciate the food you have lovingly prepared.
Next they may start to scream hysterically and tell you how disgusting it looks and what a terrible person you are for making them such an offensive meal to eat.
[note how this person’s children refuse to sit properly on chairs instead rotating between standing on a chair, placing one bum cheek on the edge of the chair and hanging off it and wailing underneath the table – reinforce good manners by constantly shouting ‘SIT ON YOUR BLOODY CHAIR PROPERLY!!!!!!!’ at 30 second intervals throughout the entire meal]
7. Dodge tableware – If you are feeding a toddler then there is quite a high likelihood that they may lob cutlery across the room at you. It is your responsibility to know their favourite colour plates, knifes, forks and spoons even though they may change on a daily basis.
If you are feeding a baby and are reading this feeling smug because your baby ‘likes everything and is such a good eater’ then please know that babies eat everything because they are still pretty dumb and have nothing better to do. Eventually they will figure out that cake is way nicer than your shitty sweet potato surprise and then you will be screwed like the rest of us.
8. Get on your knees and beg – This is your final attempt. You are pathetic. Work it.
9. FUCK IT ALL.
Dinnertime has gone on for 1 1/4 hours now and you are starting to wonder what it feels like to be dead.
No one needs to be put through this torture any longer. The children sniffed it and some of the carrot air probably went into their systems somehow. Give them their dessert and congratulate yourself on reinforcing their terrible eating habits.
In our house the current faddy flavour of the week pudding wise = Yollies. In case you don’t know what a Yollie is, it’s the bastard love child of a yogurt and an ice lolly. They come in character based packets which your kids can fight over despite them being EXACTLY THE SAME INSIDE.
As you would imagine I fucking hate Yollies and everything they stand for (but still buy them).
10. That’s it – well done on another successful dinnertime Mummy! Send they kids off to watch back to back episode of Paw Patrol until it’s bedtime and then spend some time rocking backwards and forwards in your favourite corner of the kitchen.
11. Or so you thought – shit they’re back.
Try and remain calm maybe?
It’s ok I don’t blame you.
Never mind tomorrow is a pesto pasta day.P.S. My new book is out NOW. It is very stupid and makes a good Christmas present for people who like rude words. It is certainly not for children. You can buy it on Amazon (currently 69% off!) here or in all good bookshops and supermarkets :)