Father Christmas FAQs

FC2

Wondering how to bullshit your way through your kids tricky questions about Father Christmas?

Yep so am I so here’s a very (un)helpful guide…

Q: Does anyone ever see Father Christmas?
A: No. He carries a Glock G21 and silencer – if he sees you he will have to kill you.

Q: What does Father Christmas do if you haven’t got a chimney?
A: Tries the windows and failing that he kicks the door down.

Q: How does he get the presents into my stocking?
A: He comes into your bedroom whilst you are sleeping and…

Q: BUT I DON’T WANT ANYONE COMING INTO MY BEDROOM WHILE I AM SLEEPING?!?!
A: …unless we write a note asking him to leave the presents in the car boot.

Q: Why does Father Christmas get some people bikes and other people colouring books?
A: Because capitalism.

real world2

Q: I’ve changed my mind. Can I swap the Batman costume on my list for a Lego Millennium Falcon?
A: No because Father Christmas has already bought the Batman costume (and also the Lego Millennium Falcon is like £130 and FC is pretty tight!)

Q: I thought the elves made the toys?
A: Errr… Santa is a busy guy, sometimes he needs to outsource to Toys R Us.

Q: So how does he get money to buy the presents?
A: The rest of the year round he manages a PPI call centre in Cape Town.
PPI

[Beard FAQs] Do you like his beard?/ Do you wish you had a beard like his?/ Do you wish daddy had a beard like his?/ Can I grow a beard like his when I am older?/ Is his the biggest beard in the whole world? etc etc.
A: Yes/No mumbling answers work best here. Try not to get drawn further into such fruitless conversations.

Q: Why are Father Christmas’s presents in the same wrapping paper as Grandmas?
A: Coincidence.

Q: Why does his writing look like yours?
A: Coincidence.

Q: Why does the reindeer food look like Go-Cat and glitter?
A: Coincidence.

IMG_8062

Q: Why is the cat’s poo all sparkly?
A: Dammit.

Q: Why did the carrots we left out not get eaten but all the gin is gone?
A: Mummy mixes good gin and Father Christmas is my kinda guy!

gin2

Q: How does Father Christmas get round all the houses in one night?
A: Magic with a little sprinkling of amphetamines.

Q: How do his reindeer fly?
A: TBH everyone in his crew is most likely high on drugs.

rudy

Q: Is Father Christmas baby Jesus’ dad?
A: Anything is possible in religion…

Q: Where is baby Jesus?
A: He died a long time ago.

[Death FAQs]: What happens when you die?/ Will we all be together when we die?/ Do you still get to walk and talk when you die?/ When will I die?/ Will you die first?
A: I know lets watch The Snowman!

Q: Some of my friends are saying that Santa doesn’t exist and it’s just your mum and dad!
A: REMAIN CALM.

timmy

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Psssssst my new book is out NOW in all good bookshops and supermarkets or you can nab copies from Amazon here :)

If you like you can also come drink gin with me on my book tour!  Dates and locations are here

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15 thoughts on “Father Christmas FAQs

    1. Amy Paterson

      I get the why do all the dads die in disney mum questions , they won’t even watch the good dinosaur because they don’t want to see anymore dads dying!!

      Reply
    2. Helen

      My 2 year old is obsessed with the fire scene in Hero 6. She then spends the rest of the film asking where is that boys daddy, will he come back soon?

      Reply
    3. Pete

      Walt Disney was a sick, morbid SOB. Could also be a sign of the times. Most nursery rhymes and old children’s stories are either terrifying, perverse or about death.

      -Rock a bye Baby (….the cradle will fall, down will come baby, cradle and all)
      -3 men in a tub (no comment)
      -Hansel and Gretel (baking and eating children!?!)
      -Red Riding Hood.
      -Bambi.
      -Cinderella.
      -Snow White
      Well you get the idea.

      Reply
    4. Carley

      It’s not a funny answer but it may be helpful…when my daughter and my niece started to worry about dying and people around them, I told them people die once all of their wishes have come true. It gave them a sense of control and a bit of comfort for when the inevitable happens with people they know. Obviously I pointed out that running in front of a bus and similar is exempt from the wishes coming true and they will plain kill themselves!

      Reply
  1. Cara

    For the thing about other kids saying Santa isn’t real, I tell my kids to humour them because it’s sad that they’re clearly on the naughty list and they don’t even know Santa only visits good children.

    Reply
  2. Caroline

    You’re so hilarious! I love your posts! I have 4 boys under 9, and they’re asking so many questions about Father Christmas and God lately! I get round a few of the above problems you’ve mentioned by writing the gift tags from FC in really curly, neat handwriting that looks nothing like mine, using tags bought specially (then hid so I don’t accidentally use them for anything else) and I wrap in paper I also buy specially and hide so they don’t question it!
    I tell my boys that FC gets in our house by magic and that magic can do anything.
    They haven’t yet asked me why some kids get more expensive toys from FC….not looking forward to that!

    Reply
  3. Mrs Hedgehog

    thanks for making my xmas leadup / Mondays at work / life in general with 4yo – bearable.
    keep it coming !! ps. my post bedtime evening entertainment is currently your book with a glass of my favourite wine!!! admittedly last nights session had a few tears in my eyes during chapter regarding your “Evie” … all power to you. Merry Xmas all the way from Southland, New Zealand where my friends and I love your work xx

    Reply
  4. Lauren J

    OMG, I’ve choked laughing so hard!! (And I’ve finally posted on here too, not just Twitter!). I was finally given your book about 6 weeks ago, admittedly a bit slow to finish because we’ve all been so busy/ill but at first David and I were fighting over who was reading it when… we had to read the first 2 chapters together, no word of a lie!! Of course the book is as funny as you’ve promised but it’s a lot more moving than I expected… not a bad thing. I love the fact you got J. to write a chapter.

    Hope you have a lovely Christmas Katie, complete with plenty of gin and chocolate. You deserve it after all of your hard work for HfG and the book’s success not to mention being a mum and wife. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face during my first (now full) year of being a mum – Amy has just turned 1!! xx

    Reply
  5. Inapickle nanny

    I have just found your site today and think it’s marvellous! Although I’m a granny nowadays, I remember what it was like raising 3 children,why do all 3 want to hold your hand at the same time,when 5 minutes before non of them cared? The endless arguments as to who had to sit in the middle seat in the car? A strict rota had to be kept for sanity. I had no time for ‘earth mothers’ or yummy mummies.
    My 3 are all grown up aged 28,30,and 32 and assure me they had a wonderful fun filled childhood to my relief! So I thought I’d relax and spoil the grandkids,little bit of payback like giving them sweets before they go home nothing too bad.
    Then,sadly 2 years ago I lost my eldest daughter to breast cancer,she had 3 children the youngest of which was just 8 months old, then a 3yr old and 5yr old.
    I’m not going to write about the devastation that caused but that I am now helping her partner raise those children. So,I’m back to trying to remember things I did,she had told me she wanted her children to be raised as she had been and it’s been surprising the things I’ve forgotten or remembered but I know you would have been my type of mum. So I too will be getting your book because bottom line is, raising children should involve a lot of fun,for the parents too, it’s not a competition is it?

    Reply

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