So camping season is upon us! All around us wholesome families are frantically purchasing blow up mattresses, enamel mugs, antiseptic hand gel, ibuprofen and enough wine boxes to kill 5 medium sized horses.
They cannot wait to get to get there, they have visions in their heads of fairy lights, bunting, marshmallow toasting, singing around the camp fire and making those chocolate and banana things you wrap in foil that turn out horrid. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, I’m sorry to have to do it but they are also COMPLETELY FUCKING DELUDED. So here is my debrief on camping with kids just in case you are thinking of making a similar
1. It will take you approximately 5 hours to pack your car for a two night stay and you will have had 37 different arguments before even leaving the house.
2. When you arrive at the camp site you will feel optimistic, capable and ready to face anything – just like Bear Grylls!
3. You will feel slightly less like Bear Grylls when the Sainsbury’s driver arrives delivering essential supplies of prosecco, halloumi and minted lamb kebabs.
4. You will feel more like what you actually are – a middle class twat on a camping trip.
5. You will have loads of nice food to eat but the children will exist entirely on a diet of crisps and Capri-Sun.
6. There will be so much to do! Make a list so you don’t forget anything…
7. It will be so lovely to see the kids being at one with nature (pissing against the trees and hitting each other with sticks) that it will seem like a good idea to let them stay up long past bedtime. They should sleep in later the next day so it will be fine!
9.YAWN. Even Rave Bear gets tired eventually. Time to say goodnight. Oops… did you forget you had to sleep in a tent rather than your comfy cosy bed? *sad face*
10. You have a lovely blow up mattress but you will fall/get kicked off it in the middle of the night and sleep pushed up to the lining of the tent on top of a spikey rock.
11. You will wake up at 3am and really need a wee but be too cold
and drunk to find the toilet. You will feel very glad you bought the kids potty…
FYI I would certainly never do this I just imagine some people might. I would also never wee into the discarded mug I had been drinking wine out of all evening as that would be a very disgusting thing that only extremely uncouth people do.
12. Despite going to bed 3 hours later than usual your kids will wake up at 4.30am because of the BASTARD SUN.
13. You will momentarily want to be dead.
14. But you will power on because CAMPING IS FUN! You will all enjoy the nature walk if it kills you.
15. You will watch your kids running, playing, getting filthy dirty and enjoying doing everything that kids should do and you will feel all warm and fuzzy and happy.
16. Well done for being such an excellent parent! Please proceed home to enjoy some lovely, lovely technology.
17. And laundry.
18. Wipe it from your memory, clear all the horror out, because we all know you’ll be doing it again! The kids love it right and you love it too don’t ya! YOU HAD A REALLY GREAT TIME! That’s what I saw anyway…
Psssssst my new book is out NOW and currently on promotion for £4.99 on Amazon here or in all good bookshops and supermarkets :)
If you like you can also come drink gin with me on my book tour! Dates and locations are here