Hurrah For Gin Half-Term Activity Planner

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Monday
AM: Go to the park, watch children start throwing sand into faces of other children, threaten children, get rained on, drag children home screaming.
PM: Try and rescue the day by doing a wholesome activity such a crafting. Observe how it rapidly transcends into casual violence.

crafting

Tuesday
AM: Take children out on a trip to ‘fun family farm’. Haemorrhage £50 and get told ‘I HATE YOU!’ because you won’t buy a freakish looking Alpaca toy in the gift shop.

Alpaca
PM: Give kids iPad so they can watch other people open Surprise Eggs on YouTube.

Wednesday
AM: Kids say they are bored. Tell them only boring people get bored. Hate yourself for sounding so old. Suggest they play with some of their toys. Kids say they hate all of their toys. Attempt to outsource children to grandparents/unsuspecting relatives/friends. Fail.
PM: Take kids to Toys R Us and buy them stuff they don’t deserve to shut them up. Why not ‘make an afternoon of it’ at your local business park because it’s free. Let them bounce on some beds on Furniture Village and then go to Pets at Home and tell them it’s a zoo.

pets at home2

Thursday
AM: Feel lazy/terrified of exposing your children to the outside world again so decide to have a pyjama day. Watch back to back episodes of Paw Patrol until you want to put your head in the oven.
PM: Observe the methodical destruction of your entire home. Silently scream swear words into the fridge whilst eating a block of cheese. Order Deliveroo KFC for dinner because fuck it.

pyjama day

Friday
AM: Wake up at 5 a.m. to sounds of children fighting to the death over page 227 of the Toys R Us Catalogue. It is raining again. Feel desperate so go to soft play. Order a latte and briefly rejoice over the fact you may get to drink a hot drink. Then get dragged off to crawl through psychedelic tunnels of hell for 3 hours. Narrowly avoid getting bitten by a 3 year old. Report unsupervised child to staff. Narrowly avoid getting punched by child’s parents. Run away.

soft playPM: Wine and crying whilst finishing off yesterday’s boneless bucket.

wineandcrying2

P.S. My new book is out NOW. It is very stupid and makes a good Christmas present for people who like rude words. It is certainly not for children. You can buy it on Amazon (currently 69% off!) here or in all good bookshops and supermarkets :)

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7 thoughts on “Hurrah For Gin Half-Term Activity Planner

  1. Nicole

    I can never look at alpacas again. At my brother wedding a few years ago, we caught 3 of them getting on together at the same time. Quite disturbing really. Glad I didn’t have my little one at the time. Now that would have been an awkward conversation.lol

    Reply
    1. Kate Lissett

      I remember a visit to the Seal Sanctuary in Cornwall. Youngest (then
      3) fell over … running with hands in pockets…..split front tooth all the way to the root (trip to hospital, bad mother). Blood everywhere (and mean everywhere). On way through shop (very helpful staff took us to medical area) said to son, I will buy to anything.. expected request for £50 seal, instead just wanted plastic shark for £2.99. could see he was really ill!

      Reply
  2. Kate Lissett

    I remember a visit to the Seal Sanctuary in Cornwall. Youngest (then
    3) fell over … running with hands in pockets…..split front tooth all the way to the root (trip to hospital, bad mother). Blood everywhere (and mean everywhere). On way through shop (very helpful staff took us to medical area) said to son, I will buy to anything.. expected request for £50 seal, instead just wanted plastic shark for £2.99. could see he was really ill!

    Reply
  3. Rose

    Monday morning. 7.45am. Someone has been playing noughts and crosses. In biro. ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE!!!! I mean, it’s not only written on, IT’S ENGRAVED INTO THE 100 YEAR OLD WOOD!
    We are barely 2 months past the ‘decorate the dolls house with felt tips then cry because it is messy and ruined and please mummy can i have a new dolls house mummy says f^%# *^ff’ incident.
    Next school holidays I am taking all writing and drawing and painting equipment away in advance and filing them carefully in the general waste bin.

    Reply
  4. Claire L

    My 3.5 year old came down with hand foot and mouth and started not sleeping through the night. She was expected to collect natural items from walks for nursery but today we resorted to collecting a few paltry items from the green areas around the car park outside our flat just before going to nursery. The other children’s bags put ours to shame with paper bags filled to the brim! Such a fun half-term (not).

    Reply

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