Adulthood Sucks

Some days one or both of my children will wake up and complain about having to go to school. And it breaks my heart just a little bit because they have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how sweet their lives are right now.

adultohhod

And I don’t want to scare them, I really don’t but maybe i’m doing them a disservice by not being honest about how shite being a grown-up can really be. Maybe one of these days i’m going to have to hit them up with some hard truths about life. Maybe one of these days our conversation needs to go a little bit like this…

Small child: I don’t want to go to school, it’s not fun – you just do boring stuff!

Me: Say what?! You get to play with dinosaurs, sing songs and paint sunshines all day… what’s not to love?! You see I’m not quite sure you realise what you are saying here kid because your life right now is about as good as it’s ever going to get! Do you know what happens after school?

Small child: You get to do whatever you like!

Me: WRONG! You get to get a job. There will be bills, responsibility, performance reviews, tax returns, the constant threat of redundancy and people cloning your credit card to buy themselves expensive TVs and holidays with YOUR money!

identity theft

…so do you want to go to school or do you want to spend an afternoon convincing Natwest that you didn’t buy 7 Xbox Ones?! Huh?

Small child: Ummm…

Me: OK moving on… After a barrage of awful Tinder dates and getting dumped by someone you thought cared about you by WhatsApp your self-esteem will probably be in tatters by your mid-twenties. But one day you might be lucky enough to meet the love of your life and things will be pretty sweet for a while – you can spend your dual income on city breaks and going out for brunch! Yay :)

…and then you will go and stamp up and down on it all by getting married and having kids because that’s what normal people do right? The circle of life and all that? That’s what Elton John said in the Lion King!

FUCKING ELTON JOHN.

Elton john

You will never sleep properly again and you will turn up late for work with sick on your shoulder and hands that smell of poo. You will worry continuously that you are being a good enough parent and you will keep trying to do the best possible job you can whilst your child is lying on the floor screaming ‘I HATE YOU!’ because you want to brush their teeth.

teeth

Your soulmate has now become someone you argue about bin duty with and when on the rare occasion you do go out for a date, instead of whispering sweet nothings into each others ears you can just try not to fall asleep in your food!

bins

Your kids will age you at an astonishing rate and suddenly you will realise that you are getting old. Hello bad back, hello heartburn, hello piss poor metabolism, hello sagging body parts!

human candle

You will pick up a copy of Heat Magazine and realise you know NO ONE in it. You will join the National Trust. You will go into Marks and Spencer and start thinking their clothes are fashionable. You will start taking your slippers everywhere you go. The biggest excitement you will have in your life is when people cancel plans on you and you get to stay in your pyjama bottoms working out ingenious ways to cheat the system with your Tesco Clubcard vouchers. How does this sound, does this all sound fun to you?

staying in

Small child: I’m getting scared.

Me: …and then you just keep plodding on, with the vague hope that if the government doesn’t completely fuck you over you may actually get to retire at some point. That is if you’ve managed to dodge an increasing array of incurable diseases and getting knocked over by a bus whilst you had your nose in your iPhone. Oh… also there is always the likelihood that that we have ALL in fact already died from a nuclear apocalypse because the world is so fucking fucked up.

Small child: What’s a nuclear apocalypse?

Me: Well essentially it’s…

oblivion

So what do you think, do you want to go to school and make space rockets out of cornflakes boxes and yogurt pots or do you want to be an adult?

Small child: I want to go to school please.

shoes on

It’s actually pretty motivating stuff – try it!

**************

P.S. I have TWO books out now! You can nab them on Amazon here or in all good bookshops and supermarkets :)

instapost

25 thoughts on “Adulthood Sucks

    1. Louise

      Recommend the (London) Science Museum Lates for making stuff while drinking wine. Obviously I havne’t been for years now… There was a silent disco too :D

      Reply
  1. Lauren

    Exactly this.
    And when the kid and assorted pals ask to play mums and dads yet again my answer is usually thus: “Do any of us actually look like we’re having fun here?!!?!”

    Reply
  2. Mark Musoke

    Brilliant writing! Beautiful and acerbic wit which brings me to tears of laughter almost every time I read a post. Thank you for providing such relief from our daily travails. Merry Christmas!

    Reply
  3. Debagio

    Humans are weird: We spend most of our childhood wanting to be grown-ups and, when we get there, longing for the simplicity of our youth. Cue expensive cars, hair transplants and trying to squeeze a 48-inch waist into 26-inch jeans.. :-)

    Reply
  4. Emily Hilliker

    The part about Heat, M and S and the National Trust is FAR too close to the truth to be comfortable. That was literally me being described. A knackered 37 year old in a 57 year old’s body. W that absolute F.

    Reply
  5. Sarah

    I was just in M&S the other day thinking what ‘sick threads’ they sell, much better than the frumpy crap they had when I was a kid. But I hadn’t thought about taking my slippers everywhere I go. Inspirational.

    Reply
  6. Kate

    Today I was not hated for cleaning teeth. Today the small boy hated me for suggesting he wears a vest in temperature of -1C. He hates me because I am am mean ALL THE TIME.

    He recently asked why I wanted children. I told him it’s because I really like shouting & bossing people about. I think he believed me!

    Reply
    1. Ea

      OMG are you sure you don’t live in my house two days ago my son in -3 degrees want d to wear a short sleeve shirt with no vest to school .

      Reply
  7. Krista

    I have just cried with laughter on the way to work reading this, so many similarities with my life! Hurrah for gin you brighten my days!

    Reply
  8. Cassie

    I actually thought you were gonna be like me and never pay in pizza express because it’s always rubbish so they give you freebies to apologise. Then I realised there’s more than one way to cheat the system! (Not that I cheat them, the food is rubbish and sometimes I remind them of that )

    Also you’re right, people cancelling is the best thing ever.

    Reply
  9. Nina Jones

    OMG, I didn’t know about the vouchers from Tesco age I have actually been paying for Pizza Express! What an absolute amateur.
    Thanks to Hurrah For Gin for being informative as well as brilliantly funny.

    Reply
  10. Jacqui Paterson

    SWEET JESUS! You’ve just entirely described my life (although my new M&S coatigan IS really fashionable – I swear! *unsure looks spreads across face*).

    ‘You will pick up a copy of Heat Magazine and realise you know NO ONE in it. You will join the National Trust. You will go into Marks and Spencer and start thinking their clothes are fashionable. You will start taking your slippers everywhere you go. The biggest excitement you will have in your life is when people cancel plans on you and you get to stay in your pyjama bottoms working out ingenious ways to cheat the system with your Tesco Clubcard vouchers. How does this sound, does this all sound fun to you?’

    Reply
  11. Amy

    This is everything!!! Thank you for making me realise that I’m not doing such a shitty job after all. It’s especially hard because I live in West Coast USA where swearing, drinking and calling your toddler a little shit instantly gets you evil looks and “she’s such a bad Mom” comments. Thank you!!!

    Reply

Leave a Reply to Loola Buy Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>