I’ve noticed an alarming trend at pre-school, some of my fellows seem to be eating what is presented to them on their plates without query. I have also witnessed some voluntary consumption of vegetables. It makes me sick.
Take heed people, follow these simple rules and exert some fricking authority!
- Set the tone – spend a week detoxing on jam toast.
- Refuse anything but Cheerios for breakfast. Have them without milk on Mondays, Thursdays and every other Friday. Hyperventilate if they get this wrong.
- Don’t try anything new EVER.
- Just because you liked something yesterday does not mean you have to like it again today. It is perfectly acceptable to change your mind and you do not have to explain yourself.
- Fruit as a pudding is bullsh*t.
- Be suspicious of anything that was recently alive. Beige, dead looking stuff is safer.
- Request a wide variety of food at the supermarket and then a, deny all knowledge of it upon your return home or b, allow it to be cooked first and then say you don’t like it.
- Spend some time revising brand names so that you can legitimately refuse cheaper derivatives.
- Any amount of cooking or food preparation time above 30 seconds is wholly unacceptable.
- Ask for updates of when things will be ready every 10 seconds, protest with your fists on the floor if things are taking too long. This may result in the meal being served half frozen but it doesn’t matter as you are not going to eat it anyway.
- No eating on Wednesday afternoons, just cos.
- Make sure you have a spoon, knife and two forks with all meals and then eat with your hands.
- Only ever use one specific plate. Flip out if it is dirty.
- Deposit as much of your meal off the side of the table as possible. They say they ‘spend their whole life cleaning the kitchen floor’, help make it a reality.
- Don’t eat that sweetcorn stuff. It sounds nicer than other vegetables but it’s just yellow peas.
- Kick people who describe broccoli as ‘little trees’ in the shins. It’s condescending and its disgusting.
- Avocado – WTF? – NO.
- Avoid anything with sauce as there is a risk it contains blended veg.
- Never drink water. They say ‘You will drink it when you’re thirsty’, don’t. Get admitted to hospital with dehydration. That’ll learn em.
- Always say you are hungry when you are in the bath.
- Train your body clock to wake up for midnight bananas.
- Casseroles, stews and pies are not to be trusted.
- Weetabix are derogatory.
- Sweet potato chips are insulting.
- Food that is arranged into faces or stupid sodding farm animals should be hurled across the room in fury.
I think that will do for now. Oh and if any of you have younger brothers or sisters at home please try and get them on the program too. The baby that lives here will eat anything as long as he is allowed a plastic bowl on his head #idiot
**************P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)