A memo to all toddlers re. your diet

I’ve noticed an alarming trend at pre-school, some of my fellows seem to be eating what is presented to them on their plates without query. I have also witnessed some voluntary consumption of vegetables. It makes me sick.

Take heed people, follow these simple rules and exert some fricking authority!

  • Set the tone – spend a week detoxing on jam toast.
  • Refuse anything but Cheerios for breakfast. Have them without milk on Mondays, Thursdays and every other Friday. Hyperventilate if they get this wrong.
  • Don’t try anything new EVER.
  • Just because you liked something yesterday does not mean you have to like it again today. It is perfectly acceptable to change your mind and you do not have to explain yourself.
  • Fruit as a pudding is bullsh*t.
  • Be suspicious of anything that was recently alive. Beige, dead looking stuff is safer.
  • Request a wide variety of food at the supermarket and then a, deny all knowledge of it upon your return home or b, allow it to be cooked first and then say you don’t like it.
  • Spend some time revising brand names so that you can legitimately refuse cheaper derivatives.
  • Any amount of cooking or food preparation time above 30 seconds is wholly unacceptable.
  • Ask for updates of when things will be ready every 10 seconds, protest with your fists on the floor if things are taking too long. This may result in the meal being served half frozen but it doesn’t matter as you are not going to eat it anyway.
  • No eating on Wednesday afternoons, just cos.
  • Make sure you have a spoon, knife and two forks with all meals and then eat with your hands.
  • Only ever use one specific plate. Flip out if it is dirty.
  • Deposit as much of your meal off the side of the table as possible. They say they ‘spend their whole life cleaning the kitchen floor’, help make it a reality.
  • Don’t eat that sweetcorn stuff. It sounds nicer than other vegetables but it’s just yellow peas.
  • Kick people who describe broccoli as ‘little trees’ in the shins. It’s condescending and its disgusting.
  • Avocado – WTF? – NO.
  • Avoid anything with sauce as there is a risk it contains blended veg.
  • Never drink water. They say ‘You will drink it when you’re thirsty’, don’t. Get admitted to hospital with dehydration. That’ll learn em.
  • Always say you are hungry when you are in the bath.
  • Train your body clock to wake up for midnight bananas.
  • Casseroles, stews and pies are not to be trusted.
  • Weetabix are derogatory.
  • Sweet potato chips are insulting.
  • Food that is arranged into faces or stupid sodding farm animals should be hurled across the room in fury.

I think that will do for now. Oh and if any of you have younger brothers or sisters at home please try and get them on the program too. The baby that lives here will eat anything as long as he is allowed a plastic bowl on his head #idiot

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P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)


88 thoughts on “A memo to all toddlers re. your diet

  1. cariemay

    Oh that made me chuckle – definitely the promising to eat something while you help to cook it and then denying all knowledge when it lands on the table!

  2. Dean B

    Thank goodness Little T doesn’t know how to read yet! Or else she’ll be in all arms with your Little F, holding placards and co-writing the “No more Vegetables Manifesto!” or worse “No more listening to Mums and Dads Manifesto”.

  3. seychellesmama

    Let’s be honest fruit for desert really is BS. I mean I laugh anytime I see it on a menu anywhere, fruit sorbet also comes into this category…..it’s chocolate or nothing! (Arthur doesn’t know this yet mwah hahah)

  4. dearbeautifulboy

    Hahaha! Laughing out loud at most of these. Clearly these kids get some training at around two and a half, and food becomes a really fun battleground with Mummy and Daddy. x

  5. Mummy Says

    Hahaha! I can report that my son Milin is definitely not letting the side down. He would agree with all of the above and probably add that the best option at meal times is to reject all foods completely! Very funny lovely x

  6. TalesofaTwinMum

    Katie. I swear your son is friends with my boys and he’s has been secretly slipping them these guidelines. I’ll hold you personally responsible next time I have to let T1 eat frozen sweetcorn because he just can’t wait for dinner (thankfully he doesn’t care that they’re just yellow peas). Another classic post that deserves sharing. x

  7. thenthefunbegan

    Priceless! My niece used to refuse EVERYTHING except frozen peas at one time. Then she shunned everything that could be considered even slightly ‘wet’. Now she is 15 and eats fine if that’s any consolation. My two are exactly the same though – its always “can I have a banana mummy?” just after you’ve tucked JJ in and begun to shut the door behind you – then you have to stay and watch him eat it all, very slowly…

      1. Mon

        I’ve counted and my 3 year old eats 2 bananas every day. EVERY DAY!

        This is a brilliant post. How do you know my child so well? :)

  8. notafrumpymum

    My son will only eat breakfast if he has an orange spoon (MUST be orange) in each hand. His new trick is trying to get two spoonfuls of weetabix into his mouth at the same time. I despair, I really do!

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  10. teaistheanswer2013

    Well played:) love this and we have the same kitchen units and tops, perfect for preparing food children don’t eat.

  11. PhotoPuddle

    As a mum to a very fussed toddler this made me chuckle greatly. Especially the last point. I tried out sweet potato chips last week. Neither my toddler or my five year old were impressed!

  12. suzanne3childrenandit

    1k shares on FB?! You legend! This is genius. Loving the beige, dead-looking stuff, that made me laugh out loud….all houses, everywhere.

  13. Emma

    Oh my goodness- you’ve nailed it and my youngest clearly got the memo. Can I possibly add in that ‘if any sauce of any kind is touching any food on the plate whatsoever, refuse point blank to eat the entire meal. End of.’

  14. Jenny

    Katie, I absolutely can’t stop laughing at this….I think you have been a fly on my wall because this is pretty much how it is for us right now. The eating cheerios every other day without milk is spot on. All of it is. #funee

  15. happygrandn

    You have just described my 2yr10mnth grandson to a tee. Hope his parents realise they are not on their own and Dad learns how to make gin!!!!!

  16. caarie

    I thought this was just my toddler thank god I’m not the only one!! Yesterday he insisted that chicken nuggets were better than chicken dippers then after tasting one (with the bribe of a kinder surprise egg) exclaimed “It tastes the same mummy! I love chicken dippers!”
    Then today after requesting beans on toast and allowing me to make it he told me he’d prefer chicken … When I refused to make chicken he then requested cookies for dinner … We compromised and he had beans on toast followed by a cookie haha

  17. caarie

    Thank god it’s not just my toddler! I thought I was alone! Just yesterday my boy insisted that chicken nuggets were far better than chicken dippers … When he tasted one (after a bribe of a kinder surprise egg, obviously) he exclaimed “they’re the same mummy! I love chicken dippers”
    Then today he decided (only after I’d cooked it) that he didn’t like beans on toast and would much prefer chicken! After denying his request he then thought he’d try the old “cookies for dinner” pitch … We compromised and he had a cookie after his beans on toast.
    Most days the only way he will eat food of any kind is with the bribe of a kinder surprise (he doesn’t eat the chocolate of course, he only wants it for the marvel superhero toy that I could buy him for half the price on its own but then he wouldn’t get to open an egg and it would be the end of the world!!!)

  18. HonestMum.com

    Haha, glad my kids can’t yet read-little one eats everything and believe it or not avocado is his favorite (fruit/veg), he also likes coconut shavings and oats-the eldest is a fussy little eater! Fab post x

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  22. L A

    I know this is an old blog now but wanted to add a couple…refuse all pasta if its called by its proper name- macaroni = no but just call it pasta = yes and our lastest is not eating it unless youve eaten a bit first even if we have exactly the same meal. Oh and even if its exactly the same mummys tastes better

  23. Carry On Katy

    Hilarious! And clearly my kids got this memo.
    My older one won’t eat off a plate if the plate has a picture of an animal with a tail on it. He is nearly 6. And the little one eats beans with his fingers one at a time….but only on Mondays. On Wednesdays he likes to squash them individually into flat bean mini pancakes and flick them across the table at his btother. Spaghetti? Eaten strand by strand with his hands. Ugh!!!!
    Water? Not a chance. X

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  26. Liza

    Laughing till it hurt. I have a 2 and 4 year old who do this whole list of things, glad I’m not the only one! Your blog is the best! Thanks so much for putting into harsh reality for the hippie parents out there!

  27. Son of Loki

    I am 31 years old. All this still sounds mostly reasonable. One you forgot is, “Always look to dad. If dad’s not looking happy about eating this stuff, it’s probably not food.”

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