Today is 4 years since we said goodbye to you.
I still think about you, although not many people would realise that or understand. I still wonder what if? Every time I read in the paper of a baby who defied the odds and survived I wonder if the doctors may have got it wrong in our case.
Should we have given you a chance – didn’t you at least deserve a chance?
You looked perfect to me on the scan. I breathed a deep sigh of relief to see your little heart beating away. Your perfect little hands and feet waving around and your face, so beautiful, with a little button nose.
But they saw what we could not – we needed more tests, more scans. We spent weeks in limbo, not knowing, it was the worst kind of hell.
It wasn’t a shock to get the call to give your diagnosis, you wouldn’t live, you couldn’t survive. I already knew that in my heart.
I’ve cried a million tears for you my baby girl that never was. My little Evie, my little star.
And I’m so deeply sorry that you never got to be any more than a black and white photo.
xxx
**************
P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)
So very sad. A lovely little letter to remember her by =] big hugs xxxx
Thank you x
Heartbreaking.
That’s just so sad. So, so sad. She will always be part of you and part of your family xx
Thank you – very sweet of you to say x
Ohh bless you, it is so hard to have never met our beloved little ones. I’ll be praying for you. Mich x
Thank you for understanding Mich x
So sorry for your loss. A heartbreaking story. Thank you for sharing and honoring your little one’s memory.
Hugs.
What a lovely comment – thanks so much! X
oh lovely I am so very sorry (hugs) i think i would also be forever thinking ‘what if…’ too and how things could have been had she survived. xx
Such a heartbreaking letter to have to write, but a lovely way to honour her memory. A babys loss can never be forgotten, our little angels of the skys.
xx
Thank you so much :) x
I read through JackieM’s blog over the weekend on how she refused to take no for an answer for her Baby Noah, and I know it is not an easy decision to make because it is a tough life ahead of both of you and a lot more pain. My heart goes out to you.
Words don’t come to my mind that are worthy to be said… Big hug!
I found your blog through londonmum…
Thanks so much :) x
I am so sorry to hear that this happened in your family. I can’t even imagine. xx
Thanks Katie x
Am at a loss for words, but didn’t like to read this and not comment. A very emotional post.
I’m so sorry xx
thank you so much x
this is beautifully written and heartbreaking. thank you for sharing.
Thank you that’s very kind of you to say x
This is such a moving post. Our babies always live in our hearts.
My heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing your story. Thinking of you.
I found you on #BlogLoveDay
A very moving post. Beautifully Written. Sending big hugs for a difficult day x
Heartbreaking, short and sweet, but there is no more that needs to be said. Her scan photo looks perfect. I am so sorry for your loss.xx
Thank you do much to everyone who has commented on this letter – it really does mean so much. Feeling pretty humbled :) x
So sorry. Can’t imagine how hard this must be for you to write about snd live through. Stay strong xxx
Thanks so much xx
Couldn’t read this and not say something..so sorry for your loss and what a beautiful letter to remember your little girl by. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel, but she will always be with you xx
Thank you so much, so lovely of you to read and comment :) x
Much love to you sweet. xxx
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure a day doesn’t go by when you don’t think about the ‘what ifs’, but I hope time has healed your pain a little x
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I feel bad that I have never read this post before. I only really started reading blogs in January and although I feel like I know you so well this post was such a shock to me.
I have tears in my eyes for you and for your Evie. I hope me commenting on this doesn’t bring it all up for you again although I imagine She is regularly in your thoughts anyway.
I am so, so sorry you had to go through this – Sending love (no gin this time!) x
oh this makes me so sad. I lost my little girl in what sounds like very similar circumstances….I have two lovely boys but will never forget my sweet girl. A very emotional post and I send my loving thoughts. Xx
My little girl was diagnosed with Edward’s syndrome at 20 weeks. We were told she would not survive so decided to end the pregnancy.
I still have such feelings of guilt and shame but know in my heart it was the right thing to do.
Thinking of you.
I’m so sorry about your loss, I think I’ve completely missed this before. Sending you lots of hugs and thinking of you xx
just reading this as my boy falls asleep in my arms, now have a huge lump in my throat. Unimaginable xx
I share your pain. As I read your words I realised that I could have written them myself with only two changes. In March it will be ten years since we lost our baby boy Freddie. He is always in our thoughts and in our hearts. Sending you strength.
Thank you for writing this. It perfectly captures exactly how I feel after the loss of my Bean in March 2013. I feel as though your words could be my own. Sending you love x
Beautifully written. So sad, but important to share so others know they are not alone. Thank you.
Oh Katie I just want to give you a huge hug now! Sending lots of love to you xxxxx
Have only just read this one even though I’ve followed you for the last 18 months. So beautifully written, I’m in absolute awe that you are able to find the words that you do to say things exactly how things are so perfectly. Lay here hiding on the floor of my nearly two year old’s room reading this with tears streaming down my face for what you must have gone through and still go through. Big hugs xxx
She’s not “the girl that never was”, she’s the girl that will ways be a part of you. Whether she is by your side or lives on in your heart.
We never let them go xxxxx
My grief is such a lonely place. Six years since I lost my son in a similar manner, my grief is experienced in small moments, usually alone. I don’t have the space to grieve surrounded by my girls and all their love, energy and noise. So when I do remember him it’s always on my own. Thank you for sharing your experience, heartbreaking though it is, I feel slightly less alone.
Couldn’t read and not comment, at a loss for words but just to say I’m so very sorry for your loss. Such a heartbreaking letter to have to write, but a lovely way to honour her memory x
Like many others who have commented, I have been here too and agree, it’s a very lonely place. I struggle to be open about my experience as I can’t find the right words to explain it, and you have done it so very bravely and eloquently. Thank you xx
I’m so sorry sweetie, crying reading this. All my love xx
I’m so sorry x
Love is a powerful thing. How heartbreakingly completely we can love a little person though we never got to meet them <3
I'm so sorry for your loss.