An open letter to Postman Pat

Dear Pat,

I have tried to contact you via the Royal Mail but they are under the illusion that Greendale is a fictional place – what’s up with that?! You may find this letter a tad harsh but I feel I need to write to address you directly as your friends, family and colleagues seem unwilling or unable to give you any constructive feedback.

Lets cut to the chase. You are crap at your job and I have absolutely no idea how you managed to blag your promotion to Head of Special Delivery Services. You consistently lose, damage and/or open parcels you have been entrusted to deliver which is both stupid and illegal. Before you protest I have listed a few examples of your incompetence that have particularly riled me.

1. You severely delay the start of Amy’s Animal Day after you open your van to check that the fruit bats you are delivering are ok. Quelle suprise they fly away and you dick about for god knows how long trying to tempt them back into the van with apples. Poor Amy was beside herself, it was the highlight of her year!

2. You failed to secure the doors of your van and lost Michael’s film for his open air movie night. You thought that showing a movie of yourself entitled ‘Postman Pat – Movie Star’ made by some kids was a suitable alternative. It was actually extremely arrogant AND you didn’t even say sorry.

3. Lizzie was incredibly nervous about her music recital and was depending on you to deliver her Piano on time so she could practice. You were very late and she fudged it up but yet again you are hailed hero of the day.

4. You deliver a single pair of ice-skates to that spoilt bitch Meera by er, HELICOPTER (!!!) How can this possibly be cost effective? Was this actually sanctioned by the Royal Mail?

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tw*t

5. On the day of the re-opening of Pencaster Town Hall you are tasked with making two (!) deliveries at the same time, before the episode even pans out we all know this is way beyond your scope. After successfully delivering some oil to Ted (well done) you are desperate to show him the balloons for the celebration in the back of your van… oh dear, they float out. PC Selby then becomes entangled in them and drifts off into the sky, you seem pleased as rescuing him is an excuse to use the helicopter again! It’s just another ridiculous sequence of events that could only happen to you and somehow you come out of this better than if you had just made the straightforward delivery?!?!?!??!!?

These are just a few examples, there are many more believe me. I am left flabbergasted at the end of each episode when, instead of issuing demands for compensation, everyone cheers you on whilst you arrogantly smirk ‘Special Delivery – Mission Accomplished!’ Yeh, BY THE SKIN OF YOUR FRICKING TEETH!

What really takes the biscuit is that rather that giving you a disciplinary or performance review Ben decides to throw you a special party and presents you with the prestigious award of a Special Delivery Services Gold Star. He says, and I quote ‘Pat’s the best of the best, he’s never been late with a delivery!’

Are they seeing what I’m seeing?!?!? What kind of hold do you have over these people?!

Ok ok I watch a little too much of your new SDS show but my son likes it so what can I do? That’s what worries me the most – you are a role model to pre-schoolers whose biggest dream is to become an incompetent postman with access to a quad bike and snowmobile – it’s nothing short of delusional.

In light of the above I’d like to suggest you offer in your resignation. Mrs Goggins I’m sure would be a suitable replacement.

Yours sincerely,

Hurrah For Gin

p.s It’s people like you who drive me to gin.

p.p.s Your live show was rubbish as well.

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**************

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85 thoughts on “An open letter to Postman Pat

  1. cariemay

    Maybe it’s old age catching up with him. I mean he wasn’t fresh faced and straight out of postie school when we were little so it’s possible that the years of bumbling up and down Greendale have taken their toll! I don’t remember him being so incompetent as a child – do you think it’s changed or is my memory just selective?

    Reply
  2. 3yearsandhome

    Ha! This is my husband’s favourite kids’ show for the exact reasons you’ve listed above. He watches it to swear at Pat and does the best alternative voice over ever (out of earshot of the boys, obvs).

    Reply
  3. jennypaulin

    this is spot on and funnily enough back when we used to watch lots of Cbeebies (now its mostly the Sky kids channels) i started a post (but never finished it) about Pat and Bob and how they would never hold a job down in real life lol.
    how Pat ever gets his round completed is beyond me too – he is always interfering in everyone elses lives! and how such a small community requires a helicopter and all that SDS stuff is ludicrous. ha ha this was such a good read x x

    Reply
  4. stephaniearsoska

    He knows things about the people in the town. It’s the only explanation. He opens their letters then blackmails them with what he finds inside. They can’t sack him for fear he will unleash their secrets to the world.

    Reply
  5. Mother.Wife.Me

    Hmm yes, Angry from Gins-ville! I heard on the BBC News earlier that the Royal Mail have been ticked off for inefficiency and will be fined if they don’t pull their socks up. I think this is likely all down to Pat – and am also now wondering if he is the annoying sod who hovers over our house in his helicopter at all hours of the day and night. Hmm.

    Reply
  6. lou

    Have long suspected his sheer incompetence is why Royal Mail disassociated themselves from the whole thing and sent him to work for SDS. Love this!

    Reply
  7. Jon Thomson

    But if he got the “sack” he would no longer be known as “Postman Pat” … he would just be “Pat” … mmm, two more letters (of the alphabetical variety) & he would have a far more appropriate name. Great letter … it put a smile on my face :-)

    Reply
  8. judithkingston

    I was crying with laughter!! SDS is utterly ridiculous! And how come he can fly a helicopter but not operate a satnav?? You are totally right, the man should resign. As should the vicar as he clearly has no concept of what the job entails and has a very poor knowledge of the Bible.

    Reply
  9. tamingtwins

    But think.. If Pat wasn’t so utterly crap there would be no excitement in Greendale. I think he provides a public service giving everyone some chaos in their lives. (Do you think that’s Royal Mail’s excuse for my postman too?)

    PS. The theme tune is the ultimate bloody ear worm too. Grrr…

    Reply
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  12. Curly Claire

    He he – this made me laugh…my husband and I are always tearing Pat to bits when we watch. I hate Sarah….it’s not right to hate a kids tv character is it…that voice and the hair!?! My absolute worst programme though is Waybuloo….Ooo it’s awful – the over dubbed kids voices – what’s that all about?! Love your blog – just discovered it and am currently allowing my 3 year old boy to feast upon cbeebies so that I can read through all of your posts :)

    Reply
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  15. Del

    Absolutely perfect. My wife and I have really been in a quandary about this show (SDS) as it’s become available on Amazon Prime in the States. Our son absolutely loves the show even though he’s not talking completely yet. He absolutely demands Postman Pat in the am (which in itself is pretty funny). Now in the end this is our bad for picking out a “People also watched” show after Timmy Time one day, granted, but as I kept watching all I could think of was “what happens if my son wants to work for whatever replaces the bankrupt USPS in the future and wants to become an incompetent mailman”? Not to mention I’ve been reduced to singing the damn theme song on the drive into work as part of it’s demonic catchiness. This article hits everything that has driven me crazy about the show and made me say Hurrah For Bourbon!

    Now if my boy would just go back to Timmy Time life would be good.

    Reply
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  18. catherine

    hi please remember it’s a kids show.not everything is accurate on kids programmes. i love this program back in the day. and my son loves it today.give it a break and remember it’s a kids program at the end of the day.

    Reply
  19. Lyndsey

    My daughter loves postman pat. However everything you’ve said about SDS is spot on. I think it all went to pot even before SDS when they took it upon themselves to restore the Greendale rocket all on their own, surely the line had closed for a reason, such as being unprofitable.
    In SDS I feel sorry for Mrs Goggins, Pencaster mail centre pretty much means he barely needs to visit her, that’s a other post office that won’t be able to afford to run and have to move into the nearest McColls…. Although bizarrely in the open air movie episode she seems to have branched out and started selling projector lamps…. I don’t know any shops that sell projector lamps.
    Anyway, I could go on all night, but I won’t, instead I might dub myself over and episode and show exactly what I mean.

    Reply
  20. Linda

    My reasoning is that Pat is so embittered by being told what to do by Ben (the young upstart managing the parcel depot who got that job through a graduate scheme and gets paid more than Pat) that he sabotages everything on purpose.

    Reply
  21. Ally

    This is, sadly just the tip of the iceberg. As a former postman myself, I can confirm that Pat Cliffton’s conduct went far beyond mere incompetency and into blatantly criminal conduct some time ago.

    As all posties know, allowing non-post office personal to ride as passengers in a Royal mail vehicle is an instant disciplinary – this includes pets. Mr Clifton violates this rule daily.

    Consistently loosing consignments, and frequently relying on local law enforcement intervention to secure their retrieval is also grounds for dismal.

    Add to this his dangerous habit of taking company vehicles off-road in an attempt to circumvent traffic restrictions, combined with his flagrant breech of numerous Civil Aviation regulations, I’m astounded that this individual was has thus far escaped a custodial sentence.

    Regards

    A sleep-deprived former Postman and father

    Reply
  22. Bojanglies

    When I was three (30something years ago) my mum read me a Postman Pat book. His only task for the day was to get a message to Reverend Timms before Timms caught his train out of town to meet his sister.
    Pat spent the entire book chasing the reverend around Greendale and Pencaster each stop on his journey missing him by mere seconds…
    Apparently at the end of the story (he did manage to catch him, you’ll be glad to hear) I asked my mum why Pat was so stupid – why didn’t he just go to the train station and wait there for him?

    Reply
  23. Jake

    Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat is a silly old twat,
    He really is a bastard,
    At lunchtime he gets plastered,
    He really is a miserable old fucking cunt!….

    Always remember singing this as it came on tv as a child !!

    Reply
  24. Ariom

    Love this!

    I’m always irritated when Ben says ‘how soon can you get here?’ And pat says ‘I’m on my way’. – answer the blimmin question pat, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 1 hour.

    Reply
  25. Mark

    I’m glad other people hate Postman Pat.

    There was an episode where Pat took a van and trailer and crashed it at a Police checkpoint. The patronising, spying facist bastard Ben was on the blower immediately to ask why Pat had stopped. Pat said ‘everything was OK’ and the copper LIED ABOUT AN RTA ON A PUBLIC HIGHWAY AND COVERED UP FOR HIM!!! F***ing hell on roller-skates…

    I think the problem is that in our day, something went awry and Pat the hero would sort it all out. In the modern version, Pat causes the problem and spends the episode unf***ing his own buffoonery.

    Reply
  26. Annie

    I would like to know how a royal mail van turn around in that tiny yard!!! What is the turning circle range on that vehicle? (opening title)
    Makes my blood boil every time. I thought it was just me that got irrationally irritated over postman pat! Lol xxx

    Reply
  27. Terri

    Have you noticed how most of the kids in Greendale look like Pat? More than just post being delivered in that village methinks!

    Reply
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  29. Jane

    I have so often thought this exact same thing about Pat. So much so, that I have thought up my own theory. I think they all know Pat is thick as shit, and meddling with everyone else’s lives, so the ‘letter’ or ‘package’ is in fact a fake, given to him to give him something to do. Meanwhile, there is a real postman, unseen, who goes about the job of actually delivering post without f***ing it up. You had one job Pat. PS we had a lift the flap postman Pat book when my son was younger, which freaked me out as it showed a picture of Pat shaving. The idea of a cartoon needing to shave utterly traumatised me. *shudder*

    Reply
  30. Kevin

    It have just stumbled upon this having returned home from giving a lecture on performance management and the danger of worshiping false idols in the work place in which I spend about 30 minutes ripping into Pats incompetence (I am a HRM lecturer and not a random wino), the sentiments here mirror my own and you would be surprised how many attendees always agree. However during this weekends coverage of the Glastonbury festival I noticed a banner in the crowd which read ‘don’t sack Pat’ so there are some who don’t agree out there.

    Reply
  31. Josh

    I loved postman pat as a kid. Im now 31 and My young feller started watching season 3 reruns just before he was 2 and enjoyed it immensely so for his second birthday we bought him postman pat figures and cars (for monitored play). Hes about to turn 3. Pat and pats kwa (cat) as he says, go everywhere with him. No matter what game he plays, pats not far away to join in. Pats like his best friend at home and he loves the programs. Postman Pat has had a very positive influence on him and He enjoys SDS as well but even I found how incompetent they made pat to be in this later edition to the franchise. I find it dissapointing they felt need to tarnish what was really a very well done series and set of stories with basically badly written programs that would be finished in ten minutes if Pat didnt screw up all the time.

    Reply
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