My Christmas Diary by F aged 4

So Christmas is over. Or at least it is for the kids because by my reckoning all the adults still seem to be living on a diet of oven snacks and prosecco, deluding themselves that it will all be ok if they can manage a dry January, which will NEVER happen.

All in all there were some highs and there were some lows but I learnt a lot.

On Christmas Eve we saw ‘Father Christmas’ fly overhead. It would have been a bit more magical had all the adults not kept using the terms ‘sleigh’ and ‘International Space Station’ interchangeably and nudging each other and laughing when they got it wrong. Lesson one, most things about Christmas are utter b*llshit.space2On the morning itself I rushed downstairs and to my extreme relief saw that he had been. It seems the repeated threats of ending up on the naughty list didn’t amount to much. MENTAL NOTE: Next year don’t let their ‘he’s always watching’ b*llocks influence your behaviour. Either he didn’t see me decorating mummy’s handbag with cat food or he doesn’t give a rats arse.

Next it was time for Church which if I’m honest, sucked. If they don’t like people repeatedly shouting ‘IS IT TIME TO GO HOME NOW?’ then why the hell do they ring a bell every five seconds. So confusing.church2Then it was back home for PRESENT OPENING TIME! I adopted my usual smash and grab approach. Basically, open everything as quickly as possible and If you don’t like it throw it across the room, if you do like it saw ‘WOW’ and then throw it across the room.

Dinner was ridiculous, too much of it, too many courses, It only takes me about 5 seconds to eat my two mouthfuls so I have no idea why they would expect me to sit there and look happy with a ridiculous paper hat on my head whilst everyone else does that whole ‘enjoying a nice meal’ thing.

I mean they say that Christmas is for kids but it has become abundantly clear to me that Christmas is actually about busying your kids with new toys and then ignoring them whilst you get pissed.

Boxing day was more of the same but since then everything has gone downhill. There are no more presents and we have to eat actual food again instead of foraging for chocolate on the Christmas tree. Who the hell do they think they are just turning the tap off like that?!

As punishment I get all of my new toys out of their boxes, mix them up into a big soupy mess and then play with my old toys.

Apparently ‘There is too much crap in this house!’ and I agree they do need to get rid of some stuff – furniture, beds, whatever. Just as long as they don’t touch any of my stuff which is all absolutely VITAL.

Daddy’s gone back to work now, he seemed pleased to be out of the way. Mummy looks drained and spends quite a bit of time hiding in a corner stuffing chocolate orange segments into her face when she thinks we can’t see.orANGENew Years Eve is tomorrow whatever that means. Mummy said something about this one being OUR year. I think I’ll be the decider on that one LOL.

new year



P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)


22 thoughts on “My Christmas Diary by F aged 4

  1. Katie @mummydaddyme

    Haha F has definitely hit the nail on the head there! ;) It’s like this could have been written by both Mads and LL who have spent the entire time playing with crap toys that they already had, or in LL’s case two bottles of Peppa Pig bubble bath! Roll on next year! ;)

  2. Mummy Says

    Brilliant. F is scarily correct in ALL of this. Except one thing. I’m never going to delude myself about a dry January. I know myself to well. Back to the Prosecco it is *hic* x

  3. Honest mum

    Brilliant as always darling! Mine are still playing with the Lego Santa brought but not sure how long it will last. I’ve binned the remaining chocolate coins now too. Naughty Mummy. Happy New Year to you all xx

  4. Carie

    Oh I love it – I’ll admit we told the girls it was the ISS because (a) we can’t be relied on to get it right all the time and (b) our Space obsessed little girl got more of a kick out of it being the ISS than she would Santa; only for her grandparents to keep trying to tell her it was Santa she’d seen – cue many looks of confusion!

  5. Caro | The Twinkles Momma

    Hahahahahahaha! This has properly made me laugh out loud!! Particularly as we took the babies out to look at ‘Santa’ on Christmas eve and spent the whole time getting VERY excited about the ISS… ahem….’sleigh’.

    Also, at only 21 months, they clearly don’t give a shit. They had absolutely NO idea what was going on half the time.

    Happy, gin soaked, new year to you, lovely.

    PS — it hasn’t escaped my notice that you were sent FREE gin. Jealous much? Yep, you bet on your life I am!! ;) Chin-chin to you *raising a glass of Brecon and tonic* you deserve it xxx

  6. Jess Paterson

    Love it, F. You’ve hit the nail on the head, your mummy is a bit of a boozehound but she’s awful lovely too. I love her stained glass windows, they are very colourful, please tell her. Happy 2015 to the Gins! xxx

  7. Not A Frumpy Mum

    Very funny lovely, O can’t quite get his head round no more presents, not helped by the sales parcels that keep turning up at the house. Damn Cath Kidston & Boden for their pretty packaging, although these were all treats for Mummy

  8. Becky | Spirited Puddle Jumper

    This is hilarious Katie (as always!). Nodding along to having too much crap in the house and screw the ‘naughty list threats’- Freddie said today in a really satisfied voice that “Father Christmas can’t have mind the drawing on the table too much because he came anyway”! Hope you all had a fab Christmas and New Year xx

  9. TalesofaTwinMum

    Love it. I know that F would get on perfectly with T1 and T2. Now to open some more wine and another tin of Celebrations and pretend it isn’t January yet. Happy New Year lovely lady! Keep up the good work. x

  10. Jenny

    Absolutely so true F. You said it perfectly. MM and Buba continue to throw their new toys around and play with old ones… such is life. And all about being naughty or nice and getting toys anywhere well you caught on quick there son. Love this Katie.


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