Why Ice-Cream Vans Suck Arse

It’s always the way – I’ve been trying to cajole my kids away from the park for about an hour and just as we’re about to finally bust a move I hear that familiar tinkle…

Inside my stress levels start to rise but I keep my eyes focused on the task ahead, I don’t react. Perhaps they won’t notice?

HA.

‘OOOh what’s the lovely sound?’ remarks the biggest one.

‘I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING!‘ I say loudly trying to block it all out. ‘ALL I CAN HEAR IS THE SOUND OF US PUTTING EVERYTHING BACK IN THE BUGGY AND GETTING READY TO GO HOME. THERE ARE DEFINITELY NO OTHER SOUNDS, AT ALL, TO BE HEARD HERE’.

‘But I think I hear the music of ice-cream!’ he says.

(Apparently as a parent you can trick your kids by saying the music means they have sold out but whoever came up with this idea clearly had stupid kids cos mine aren’t falling for that bullsh*t. Why can’t ice-cream be silent! Why does everything need a bloody theme tune these days?!)

…Oh and look, now the littlest one is bouncing around like some god-dam wind up toy at the very mention of THAT word.

SPRING4

I look at my watch, It’s 4.45pm. Of course it’s  4.45pm! Why do they always show up just before tea time? And when did I become such a boring, uptight cow?

I reason that a little Mini Milk might work to keep the peace without ruining their appetites (#mug) and we move cautiously towards the van.  The guy smiles at me. He seems nice but we are never going to be friends for our food related objectives are severely misaligned. I want my kids to occasionally eat savoury things at meal times, he would like them to have ice-cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner between the months of April and October.

I ask the biggest one which flavour Mini Milk he would like and he gives me the kind of looks that says ‘Are you kidding me bitch?! I’m 4!’

Perhaps a small ice cream then?

He looks at the board and immediately points at the most toxic looking thing you ever saw.

THAT 1

‘A strawberry Mini Milk and a SMALL Mr. Whippy I say’ pretending not to see.

He seems pleased and I feel slightly victorious.

‘Would you like sauce?’ says the guy.

‘No, just…’

‘YES! YES! Green sauce please!’ Interrupts the boy

Errrr WTF even is the green sauce?!

‘Sprinkles?’

‘YES!!!’

I feel any control I had over the situation, slowly melting away…

‘And a flake? Or I can pop a little ice lolly in there if you like?

‘A LOLLY OH YES A LOLLY! I LOVE LOLLIES! I LOVE IT ALL!!’

ICECREAM

I had been trying to remain impartial and think good, nice thoughts, but now…

I HATE THIS ICE CREAM GUY!

I hand over about £50 and give him my very best F*CK YOU VERY MUCH death stare.

‘Oh and just for today Madam I am offering to spray kids with our new EZY E’s aerosol for free! It’s basically a highly concentrated mist of every single E number in existence, that is absorbed quickly through the pores into the bloodstream – guaranteed to keep em buzzing till 10pm! Interested?

‘GREAT! Why the hell not.  As they say – In for a penny,  IN FOR A SODDING POUND!’

es

Finally we make our way home feeling a bit broken (me) and a bit like a pair of demented hyenas (them). I wonder if making em down a few shots of Johnson’s Bedtime Bath would help preserve my valuable evening hours?

Probably not. But at least I won’t have to bother with dinner. And of course, there is always gin…

[Please note this post was intended with humour, Ice-cream van peeps I love you really. Just don’t turn up just before tea or I’ll have to remove your eyes. With a fork. THANK YOU!]

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P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)

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24 thoughts on “Why Ice-Cream Vans Suck Arse

  1. Louise @ Birds and Lilies

    This is bloody brilliant. That ice cream price list seriously made me laugh! I hate ice cream vans now too; my daughter can spot them a mile off and she either ends up with (another) ice cream or has a big mardy the whole time we are wherever we are! xx

    Reply
  2. Carie

    Oh that’s hilarious! Fortunately (in ice cream respects only) at least one of my children has been dairy free every summer so we’ve not got too hooked but yes ice cream just before tea is hard work later!

    Reply
  3. Lauren

    I actually managed to convince my kids that ice cream vans sell broccoli. Which worked really well, until they decided that they love broccoli :(

    Reply
  4. HonestMum

    Bahaaha! I hate our ice cream van man here too, although granted he doesn’t have an E number spray, he does turn up sometimes every flipping evening, before tea and usually when I don’t have cash on me. Why can’t they take cards ;)

    Reply
  5. TalesofaTwinMum

    Haha I really don’t miss the ice cream van that used to stop ON OUR DRIVE EVERY BLODDY DAY from March until October at 4.30pm just as dinner was cooking. We don’t have one here – which is insane as it’s so stupidly hot I almost miss it.

    Well done on the BiBs nomination – you’ve got my vote, lovely. I am particularly liking the talk for frozen gin that was being talked about on your FB page the other day. I told my kids that the ice cream van man would knock on our door if he had any ice cream for us. On the days I wanted us all to have one, I’d sneakily make a knocking sound when I heard the chimes and the kids would get all excited. No knock meant he’d run out – although I had to distract them from looking out of the window at the lines of people waiting in our drive for a 99. xx

    Reply
  6. Carry On Katy

    Ha! My ice cream guy is the biggest jackass of all because he waits right outside the school gate so that you can’t escape him.
    And there we all line up like lambs to the slaughter with our wallets open.
    I tried to escape out the rear but there’s a guy with cones waiting there too. Sneaky jackass!!!
    X

    Reply
  7. Eilis

    I am a parent of a stupid child and proud! Yay me! Whenever we hear the tinkle of Teddy Bears’ Picnic, son sing-songs “We’ve run out of ice-cream!”. Result.

    Reply
  8. Life With Munchers

    Know exactly that feeling! I’m feeling uber smug that I moved to the back of beyond and no longer have that $%£& appearing at tea time! Ofcourse, it’s too late, as that first few years of training means that any recreational place we visit that has said vans gets an even bigger greeting! x

    Reply
  9. Downs Side Up

    I was actually clenching my bottom reading this. You know, with actual ice-cream stress. Brilliant writing as ever and huge hugs and congratulations on the BiBs shortlisting. You rock!

    Reply
  10. Red Medic

    Laughed at this so hard that I snorted. In the staff room. Colleagues all now giving me very odd looks.

    …I’m also craving a 99 Flake now…

    Reply
  11. Rainbowdash

    We have to run the gauntlet of the ice cream van every day because he parks up outside school (he even gets there at lunchtime to get his spot). Every.bloody.day. Grrrrr

    Reply
  12. Adrian

    F*cking hell this is scary. Baby B has only eaten fruit so far apart from his 1st birthday when we gave him CAKE and he went mental. We call blueberries ‘sweeties’ – lets see how long we can keep that up. I hate the stupid tunes ice cream vans play and there’s one that LIVES IN MY STREET. So we are well and truly b*ggered.

    Reply
  13. Lizzie Somerset

    Ha! This is spot on. We don’t buy out of ice cream vans (yet!) becausee ‘they’re for bigger kids’ but we do go to our local coffee shop where they have teeny tiny mini moo’s & itchy titchy mickey mouse head ices! Mean Mum much! hehe. Great post as always lovely XO

    Reply
  14. M

    haha I actually laughed out loud at this. Annoyingly I think I’ll be one of those mothers at the front of the queue with the kids working out which ice cream I want (and sod the kids!)

    Reply
  15. Passing By

    I’m not a mum (though I hope to be at some point in the future) and came about this post by pure chance. Just to say, even to a non-parent who never reads this sort of blog, this was absolutely brilliant and so wanted to show some appreciation. You deserve the award you’re nominated for!

    Reply
    1. Katie Post author

      Ahh thank you so much! What a lovely thing to read – makes all the work worthwhile :) x

      Reply
  16. Potty Mouthed Mummy

    This made me chuckle. I am still able to convince H I don’t hear the sound so not sure he’s entirely figured out the delights of the ice cream van. Long may the ignorance continue!! xx

    Reply
  17. Mummy Tries

    Hate those f-ing vans sooooooo much. I think it’s sinister that they’re allowed to park anywhere near the school gates! Grrrrr, they are one of my big bug bears :(

    Reply
  18. Marie

    I told my son it was just a truck driving around playing music for people, isn’t that nice?
    Until he watched something on Nick Jr and they told him the truth. Burn.

    Reply

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