I don’t know what I’m doing.

This post is a little extract from my book that I’m sharing ahead of Mother’s day this Sunday – it’s all about celebrating mums and the absolutely amazing job they do…

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‘Ok you’re good to go!’ said the doctor. We’d been sitting around for hours waiting for the forms to be filled in and final checks to be done but those words still came as a bit of a shock. Buckling the baby into his brand new car seat and exiting the ward felt a bit like smuggling pick n’ mix out of Woolworths up the sleeves of my school sweater (which I obviously never did mum!). Was no one going to come and ask us if we knew what the hell we were doing with this kid?

But despite feeling like total amateurs we were also incredibly excited to get home and start life as a proper little family of three. Do you remember your very first days at home with your newborn? I do.

I remember getting through the door and feeling a funny shift in the atmosphere, like everything had changed. I remember feeling so tired and so happy all at once. I remember snuggling on the sofa, greeting visitors, eating cake, admiring the flowers, passing the baby around and constantly disappearing to the bedroom to get half naked to feed him. I remember greeting midwifes, crying on their shoulders and people bringing food. I remember the precious milky smell of my sons head and the sweet buttery popcorn aroma of his filled nappy. I remember looking at all the cute clothes that people bought and laughing at the size of them.

I remember looking like absolute shit but feeling like a celebrity.

I remember the ridiculously inflated boobs, hot baths, cracked nipples and the hour I sat on the toilet carefully birthing my first poo. I remember watching crappy daytime TV and crying at the soaps, even though they weren’t sad. I remember the careful arrangement of cushions on the sofa that made it just about possible to sit down and I remember it all being made ok because I was surrounded by love.

I remember the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen feeding until he was full and then sleeping curled up as a little ball on my chest. I remember thinking it didn’t seem that hard and I remember waving my husband back off to work feeling slightly terrified but otherwise confident I could cope looking after a baby on my own.

Then something happened. The milk coma thing stopped working. The baby was only a couple of weeks old and he had already malfunctioned.

I fed him and he remained awake, and not only that – he was unhappy awake. He was crying and he wouldn’t stop. So I did what many a new mum does. I scoured the internet and devoured baby book after baby book looking for the answers.

The advice all sounded so sensible. We needed a routine and a feeding and nap schedule; instead of sleeping in our arms whilst we ate our lasagne one handed, he should have a proper bedtime.

There was only one problem. He refused to get on board with the goddam book.

I was confused. All the babies in the books fed less regularly and slept much longer. Why did I get the duff version?

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Topsy and Tim – The World Book Day Catastrophe

It is the night before World Book Day and Mummy is happily dicking about on social media and ignoring the twins when she sees a new post pop up on the on the school facebook page.fuck off4Oh dear. Mummy has forgotten about World Book Day because she has a life, a job, 726 unread emails, a damp problem in the hallway, parcels to drop off at the post office, undiagnosed back pain, red final reminder bills, hardly any food in the house, an itchy head (nits? again!), washing that has been sitting in the machine for two days, PMT and 15 million other things on her multiple to do lists.

Why does it always seem to be world book day?!!?! And why didn’t her children bother to remind her!

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FFS.

Mummy cannot lose face at school she must prepare emergency outfits!

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FFS.

Mummy cannot send the twins to school clutching the Toys R Us catalogue and a Nintendo 3DS so she phones Daddy and asks him to go shopping on the way home and get the twins ANY costume that is in ANY book.

He comes home with two Harry Potter outfits so the twins can be dressed exactly the same as thousands of other kids for the simple reason that it was all that was left in Tesco’s – because that is surely the true spirit of World Book Day!

 

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Topsy and Tim – Mummy’s Hangover

Mummy doesn’t get to go out very much now she has children but when she does go out she tends to get absolutely shitfaced.

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After 7 Jagerbombs she forgets she has children and the responsibilities of the next day seem somewhat obsolete.

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Oh dear.

At 5am Mummy remembers she has children when she is woken up by Tim who has had a toileting incident.

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Normally Daddy would be on hand to help with childcare duties but unfortunately he is lacking in sympathy after being woken up at 3am because Mummy forgot her keys and how to act like a civilised human being.

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The twins have swimming lessons at 10am and it is up to Mummy to get them there on time.

Capable Louise is there, on time, with her 50 well behaved children. Capable Louise has just been out for a run yet still looks dewy and serene in her expensive leisure gear.

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The Perfect Christmas Day Timeline

5.05am – Get woken up by exuberant excitable children. Unfortunately it is not possible to adopt the usual technique of putting cartoons on and ignoring whilst muttering ‘FML FML FML’ because goddam Christmas guilt suggests you be a willing participant in stocking opening. Try and resist puking into own mouth due to the tired.

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6.15am – Stuff face with handfuls of Quality Street for energy.
6.30am – Caffeination – I don’t know if it’s a word but it should be.
7am onwards – Continue stuffing face with Quality Street and downing coffee until someone (not me, because the Daily Mail readers already think I am an offensive alcoholic) suggests it would be a good idea to crack open the Bucks Fizz.

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10am – Family arrive and assemble for official present opening. Don hard hats, cross fingers and come armed with a screwdriver and batteries.

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10.30am – Hunt for survivors in the wreckage.

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Father Christmas FAQs

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Wondering how to bullshit your way through your kids tricky questions about Father Christmas?

Yep so am I so here’s a very (un)helpful guide…

Q: Does anyone ever see Father Christmas?
A: No. He carries a Glock G21 and silencer – if he sees you he will have to kill you.

Q: What does Father Christmas do if you haven’t got a chimney?
A: Tries the windows and failing that he kicks the door down.

Q: How does he get the presents into my stocking?
A: He comes into your bedroom whilst you are sleeping and…

Q: BUT I DON’T WANT ANYONE COMING INTO MY BEDROOM WHILE I AM SLEEPING?!?!
A: …unless we write a note asking him to leave the presents in the car boot.

Q: Why does Father Christmas get some people bikes and other people colouring books?
A: Because capitalism.

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Q: I’ve changed my mind. Can I swap the Batman costume on my list for a Lego Millennium Falcon?
A: No because Father Christmas has already bought the Batman costume (and also the Lego Millennium Falcon is like £130 and FC is pretty tight!)

Q: I thought the elves made the toys?
A: Errr… Santa is a busy guy, sometimes he needs to outsource to Toys R Us.

Q: So how does he get money to buy the presents?
A: The rest of the year round he manages a PPI call centre in Cape Town.
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Advent UNCUT

All around us we are being bombarded with images of ridiculously wholesome families enjoying the festivities that December brings – Christmas shopping together happily, cosying up in front of the fire, making gingerbread houses and enjoying winter walks in matching bobble hat and glove sets.

But what the media fails to recognise is that there are also a significant amount of parents that are LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE.

I love Christmas I really do but if i’m honest – seasonal admin sometimes makes me want to hurt people. So here are a few unedited scenes from the frontline of yuletide parenting.

Here is ADVENT UNCUT…

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The Eleven Stages Of A Faultless Dinnertime

In today’s super helpful blog post I would like to share with you my top tips for surviving mealtimes with fussy eaters! If you have a child who voluntarily eats vegetables then this post is not for you. Piss off.

Anyway here we go…

1. Knowledge share – In can be hard coming up with new recipes that encourage a varied diet. Get together with a group of fellow parents to swap ideas and inspire each other!

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2. Make a list of options – you have two choices here: –

A, Make something from the safe list that they will eat without fuss.
B, Make something from the unsafe list which will make everyone cry.

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3. Cook the dinner – in this example lets say you are feeling crazy and pick something from the ‘unsafe list’ such as an outlandish spaghetti bolognese.

Apologies but there is not much I can do to help you on your chosen path of doom but please, please at least make sure you BLEND THE FUCK OUT OF ANY VEGETABLES.

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MUMMY! MUMMY! MUMMMMMEEEEEEYYYY!!!

Before I had kids I imagined talking to them would be one of the best things about being a parent – Oh the hours I would while away with my children laughing, answering questions and eventually putting the world to rights together – It would be the very basis of the close bond we would form.

When I saw other parents out and about doing stuff like this, it would make me feel so sad…

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I would almost want to run over and rescue that poor child from it’s bitch of a mother…

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I would never tell my kids to shut up – NO WAY!

In my ‘Imagining what it would be like to have kids utopia’ we would lie about on top of beautiful sun drenched hills and chat ALL day about EVERYTHING! #blessed

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Mums On The Razz

*** Please note that ALL characters and events in this story are completely fictional and any similarities to real life is COMPLETELY coincidental ***

So… THE MUMS NIGHT OUT!

You know the one right? The one it’s taken 2.5 years to organise because someone has always been pregnant or breastfeeding.

Well tonight’s the night and EVERYONE can attend!

That is until you get a phone call from Lucy…

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Never mind, Lucy was always boring as shit anyway.

Now it’s time to get ready. The problem is that you have absolutely no idea what the youth of today wear anymore. You went into Topshop to have a look around but it was a loud, terrifying place full of bright lights and teeny tiny items of mouse sized clothing.

Don’t worry It’s ok to be scared sometimes, it’s hard getting old! Have a cup of tea and a biscuit and feel much better.

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So you now have three options: –

1. Wear one of your too small/short/tarty pre-kids clubbing outfits
2. Wear a flowery tea dress and hope for the best
3. Just stay in and watch the telly

3 is very, very temping but you could make 2 work if you wear the right make up. Put on a bright statement lipstick to detract from your eye-bags and then cover your entire face in Touche Éclat.

TOP TIP! Drink whilst you do your make up because it makes you think it looks better.

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Topsy and Tim – Mummy Loses The Plot

It is Sunday lunchtime at Topsy and Tim’s house and Mummy has been making a delicious roast dinner whilst listening to the twins complain about how difficult their lives are.

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She is in a happy mood and nothing will break her. Even when Tim pisses all over the toilet floor (again) she cleans it up with a heart full of joy.

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Mummy has just finished Febreezing Tim when she hears the key turn in the lock. Oh good – Daddy is home from surfing!

Daddy likes going surfing because he is approaching 40 and struggling to come to terms with his rather pathetic existence. Daddy is the twins favourite parent despite the fact he prefers surfing to spending time with them.

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