Advent UNCUT

All around us we are being bombarded with images of ridiculously wholesome families enjoying the festivities that December brings – Christmas shopping together happily, cosying up in front of the fire, making gingerbread houses and enjoying winter walks in matching bobble hat and glove sets.

But what the media fails to recognise is that there are also a significant amount of parents that are LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE.

I love Christmas I really do but if i’m honest – seasonal admin sometimes makes me want to hurt people. So here are a few unedited scenes from the frontline of yuletide parenting.






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The Eleven Stages Of A Faultless Dinnertime

In today’s super helpful blog post I would like to share with you my top tips for surviving mealtimes with fussy eaters! If you have a child who voluntarily eats vegetables then this post is not for you. Piss off.

Anyway here we go…

1. Knowledge share – In can be hard coming up with new recipes that encourage a varied diet. Get together with a group of fellow parents to swap ideas and inspire each other!

school mums

2. Make a list of options – you have two choices here: –

A, Make something from the safe list that they will eat without fuss.
B, Make something from the unsafe list which will make everyone cry.


3. Cook the dinner – in this example lets say you are feeling crazy and pick something from the ‘unsafe list’ such as an outlandish spaghetti bolognese.

Apologies but there is not much I can do to help you on your chosen path of doom but please, please at least make sure you BLEND THE FUCK OUT OF ANY VEGETABLES.


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Before I had kids I imagined talking to them would be one of the best things about being a parent – Oh the hours I would while away with my children laughing, answering questions and eventually putting the world to rights together – It would be the very basis of the close bond we would form.

When I saw other parents out and about doing stuff like this, it would make me feel so sad…



I would almost want to run over and rescue that poor child from it’s bitch of a mother…


I would never tell my kids to shut up – NO WAY!

In my ‘Imagining what it would be like to have kids utopia’ we would lie about on top of beautiful sun drenched hills and chat ALL day about EVERYTHING! #blessed


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Mums On The Razz

*** Please note that ALL characters and events in this story are completely fictional and any similarities to real life is COMPLETELY coincidental ***


You know the one right? The one it’s taken 2.5 years to organise because someone has always been pregnant or breastfeeding.

Well tonight’s the night and EVERYONE can attend!

That is until you get a phone call from Lucy…


Never mind, Lucy was always boring as shit anyway.

Now it’s time to get ready. The problem is that you have absolutely no idea what the youth of today wear anymore. You went into Topshop to have a look around but it was a loud, terrifying place full of bright lights and teeny tiny items of mouse sized clothing.

Don’t worry It’s ok to be scared sometimes, it’s hard getting old! Have a cup of tea and a biscuit and feel much better.


So you now have three options: –

1. Wear one of your too small/short/tarty pre-kids clubbing outfits
2. Wear a flowery tea dress and hope for the best
3. Just stay in and watch the telly

3 is very, very temping but you could make 2 work if you wear the right make up. Put on a bright statement lipstick to detract from your eye-bags and then cover your entire face in Touche Éclat.

TOP TIP! Drink whilst you do your make up because it makes you think it looks better.


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Topsy and Tim – Mummy Loses The Plot

It is Sunday lunchtime at Topsy and Tim’s house and Mummy has been making a delicious roast dinner whilst listening to the twins complain about how difficult their lives are.


She is in a happy mood and nothing will break her. Even when Tim pisses all over the toilet floor (again) she cleans it up with a heart full of joy.


Mummy has just finished Febreezing Tim when she hears the key turn in the lock. Oh good – Daddy is home from surfing!

Daddy likes going surfing because he is approaching 40 and struggling to come to terms with his rather pathetic existence. Daddy is the twins favourite parent despite the fact he prefers surfing to spending time with them.


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It’s not just you.

When you first have a baby it can be really magical. Everyone is so excited to meet them, friends and family appear with tiny little hats, meals and helpful hands…

new mum

The first couple of weeks are tiring but amazing, you feel protected in your little bubble of love. But it can’t last forever…


People start to disappear. It’s not their fault, everyone has their own responsibilities and you have bills to pay. Normal everyday life must come crashing back…

new mum2

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Our family holiday diary

Day 1.

This year we decided to ‘holiday’ in the south of France. It’s a pretty looooooooong journey which makes it extra funny that after being in the car for approximately 1.5 minutes (I’m not exaggerating) the following questions begin…


Hahahahahah. NO!

We get the ferry to Calais (which involved spending £30 on food no one would eat and hanging out in the arcade room for 1.5 hours) and drive to a skanky Ibis hotel somewhere in the middle of France to break the journey up.

I love sharing hotel rooms with kids because you basically get to sit in a dark room and drink wine out of tiny plastic toilet cups and listen to them fight.

toilet dark

All in all, a fun day.

Day 2.

Got up and spent even more time in the car. It’s fine because we have those DVD players on the headrests meaning that the kids are happy and content. Or they would have been if they could just MAKE THEIR BLOODY MINDS UP!


By the time we arrive at our cottage (we opted for self catering as our kids only really eat pesto pasta and chicken nuggets) the car looks like an utter shit tip and we all hate each other. Just the way a typical family holiday should begin!

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On the day that you turn 6


You are 6 years old today. On a Saturday no less, what a treat!

You’ve been looking forward to this day for so, so long. The curse of the summer born is being the last of all of your friends to have a birthday; I know there will be a little stab of disappointment when you start back at school and realise some of your classmates are already turning 7, just as you’ve managed to catch up too! Life sucks eh? (Please note when you are my age it will be a blessing).

But today you are finally as big as everybody else and to celebrate we had your party at the (slightly violent) soft play around the corner. It was your choice but also heavily slightly influenced by Mummy, who after years of being a performing clown and pass the parcel constructor,  just um… couldn’t be arsed. Sorry darling – one day you’ll understand.

Anyway the main thing is that you loved it. You were delighted with your Lego Ninjago cake and couldn’t wait to get home to play with your presents, no longer needing so much help to follow instructions and construct them – you have grown up so much this past year.

At six you like – Yo Yo bears, Star Wars, Bionicles, talking about farts and poo, castles, space, battles, water pistols, scoring goals, going swimming, pizza, Twister lollies, zip wires, playing racing games on my phone and hunting for the perfect stick.

You really don’t like – Going to bed, the concept to sleep, sitting still, writing (‘It’s SO boring!’), homework, tidying up, vegetables, baked beans, getting dressed (we pay you to get your school uniform on, yes actually PAY YOU £0.20 per day – worth it though), doing anything vaguely helpful and pink and purple (because ‘they are GIRLS colours!’).

Going by the above lists you may have noticed that I have failed abysmally in any attempts at gender neutral parenting. You are a boysy boy with a penchant for casual violence but you have a very sensitive and innocent side too. At night you carefully arrange about 20 ‘special friends’ on your pillow and then sleep in a tiny gap on the edge of your bunk, when I come in to check on you before bed your face is often squashed right up against the bars.


You still make me promise that you can live with us forever and you can’t lie – you just haven’t fathomed the concept yet. If I say you can have ’10 goes’ of your favourite game on the iPad you count them down out loud and hand it back when you are done. It’s never once even crossed your mind to pretend you had more goes left. What a lovely little fool you are!

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The Shitty Guilt Fairy

Not everybody knows this but when you give birth to your first child you also give birth to a little fairy. She’s kind of like Tinkerbell but WAY uglier and a total bitch.

Instead of carrying a wand she carries around a shovel of shit which she cracks into your skull whenever she feels like you are doing a bad job. Which it transpires, is quite a lot.

shittu (1)

The purpose of this fairy is to make you feel guilty about stuff from the get go, her first job revolves around the birth itself…



Next she moves onto the way your child is fed. She has lots of fun with failed breast feeders…


And she has an absolute field day if you dare to go back to work after maternity leave…


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Don’t worry I’m not dead!

I’ve been a bit quiet on here of late eh? After being inundated* with concerned messages as to where I was I thought I’d better set the record straight, I can’t bear to think of people lying awake at night fretting about me.

(* I had about 3 messages you heartless bitches! )

Anyway the news is that I have been doing this…


Only my dream!

But as you can imagine writing a book with small children kicking about is pretty difficult. Not least because they don’t give a frick! This was the exact reaction I had from my boys when I told them…


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