Wondering how to bullshit your way through your kids tricky questions about Father Christmas?
Yep so am I so here’s a very (un)helpful guide…
Q: Does anyone ever see Father Christmas?
A: No. He carries a Glock G21 and silencer – if he sees you he will have to kill you.
Q: What does Father Christmas do if you haven’t got a chimney?
A: Tries the windows and failing that he kicks the door down.
Q: How does he get the presents into my stocking?
A: He comes into your bedroom whilst you are sleeping and…
Q: BUT I DON’T WANT ANYONE COMING INTO MY BEDROOM WHILE I AM SLEEPING?!?!
A: …unless we write a note asking him to leave the presents in the car boot.
Q: Why does Father Christmas get some people bikes and other people colouring books?
A: Because capitalism.
Q: I’ve changed my mind. Can I swap the Batman costume on my list for a Lego Millennium Falcon?
A: No because Father Christmas has already bought the Batman costume (and also the Lego Millennium Falcon is like £130 and FC is pretty tight!)
Q: I thought the elves made the toys?
A: Errr… Santa is a busy guy, sometimes he needs to outsource to Toys R Us.
[Beard FAQs] Do you like his beard?/ Do you wish you had a beard like his?/ Do you wish daddy had a beard like his?/ Can I grow a beard like his when I am older?/ Is his the biggest beard in the whole world? etc etc.
A: Yes/No mumbling answers work best here. Try not to get drawn further into such fruitless conversations.
Q: Why are Father Christmas’s presents in the same wrapping paper as Grandmas?
Q: Why does his writing look like yours?
Q: Why does the reindeer food look like Go-Cat and glitter?
Q: Why is the cat’s poo all sparkly?
Q: Why did the carrots we left out not get eaten but all the gin is gone?
A: Mummy mixes good gin and Father Christmas is my kinda guy!
Q: How does Father Christmas get round all the houses in one night?
A: Magic with a little sprinkling of amphetamines.
Q: How do his reindeer fly?
A: TBH everyone in his crew is most likely high on drugs.
Q: Is Father Christmas baby Jesus’ dad?
A: Anything is possible in religion…
Q: Where is baby Jesus?
A: He died a long time ago.
[Death FAQs]: What happens when you die?/ Will we all be together when we die?/ Do you still get to walk and talk when you die?/ When will I die?/ Will you die first?
A: I know lets watch The Snowman!
Q: Some of my friends are saying that Santa doesn’t exist and it’s just your mum and dad!
A: REMAIN CALM.
Psssssst my new book is out NOW in all good bookshops and supermarkets or you can nab copies from Amazon here :)
If you like you can also come drink gin with me on my book tour! Dates and locations are here