*** Please note that ALL characters and events in this story are completely fictional and any similarities to real life is COMPLETELY coincidental ***
So… THE MUMS NIGHT OUT!
You know the one right? The one it’s taken 2.5 years to organise because someone has always been pregnant or breastfeeding.
Well tonight’s the night and EVERYONE can attend!
That is until you get a phone call from Lucy…
Never mind, Lucy was always boring as shit anyway.
Now it’s time to get ready. The problem is that you have absolutely no idea what the youth of today wear anymore. You went into Topshop to have a look around but it was a loud, terrifying place full of bright lights and teeny tiny items of mouse sized clothing.
Don’t worry It’s ok to be scared sometimes, it’s hard getting old! Have a cup of tea and a biscuit and feel much better.
So you now have three options: –
1. Wear one of your too small/short/tarty pre-kids clubbing outfits
2. Wear a flowery tea dress and hope for the best
3. Just stay in and watch the telly
3 is very, very temping but you could make 2 work if you wear the right make up. Put on a bright statement lipstick to detract from your eye-bags and then cover your entire face in Touche Éclat.
TOP TIP! Drink whilst you do your make up because it makes you think it looks better.
Time to meet up with your friends. You feel simultaneously reassured and terrified to discover that everyone has gone for outfit option 2 and is dressed like a slutty version of Kirstie Allsopp. Apart from Lisa who went with option 1 and looks a bit like Shirley from Eastenders.
Never mind – you’ve made it out and you feel AMAZING. Look at you all having fun! Someone has even bought a selfie stick (so cool). Make sure you take lots of photos to post on Facebook as evidence of what INCREDIBLY CRAZY PEOPLE you are!
Now, the thing to remember is that as you don’t get out much anymore, your tolerance to alcohol is probably lower than it used to be. You should be careful to drink slowly and NEVER mix drinks.
Something like this…
Never mind you’ll be OK as long as you remember to have a glass of water between each round…
So the upshot is that everyone is now rat arsed. Someone suggests moving onto a club which is obviously the best idea ever.
When you get to the club you should all proceed directly to the toilet and spend a considerable amount of time stroking each other. #FRIENDS4EVA
It can feel tempting to spend the whole night in the loo but you must make the most of your WILD night out. There are SO many fun things to do…
Perform some lunges, do shots of tequila, steal someones jaunty hat, try and flirt with a hipster.
Why not be a total ROCKSTAR and do all of the above simultaneously…
You look at your watch – it’s only 9.47pm.
You are not really a rockstar after all. What you are is a (nearly) middle aged mum making a spectacle of yourself in a slightly grotty chain pub.
Where the hell is everybody else?
You find Rachel blagging fags in the smoking area, utterly convinced she has made BFFs with a group of teenage boys.
You find Steph gyrating on a table top. Lisa is showing photos of her children to the bar staff and OH GOD – now Rachel has started to hump a pot plant…
It’s time to leave!
Go and find a late night McDonald’s (actually just a normal will do as it’s still only 10.34pm).
Maccie D’s is a great place to stuff your faces with chicken nuggets and also a great place to have an emotional breakdown about a boy who dumped you in 1997.
Steph looks a bit peeky. Put Steph in the back and put mouthy Lisa in the front.
Lisa can distract the taxi driver with tedious chat about school catchments areas whilst Steph can do a tactical chunder into her handbag like the classy bird she is.
G’wan Steph thatta girl!
OK you’re home. You (not me this is fictional remember) might have forgotten your keys or lost your keys or thrown them at a seagull for skwarking too loudy. You might be hammering down the door and shouting obscenities through the letterbox. You might collapse into the hallway when your pissed off husband finally gets out of bed to let you in…
You might then feel hungry and stuff your face with an entire 6 pack of crisps because Peter Pan LOVES Quavers…
…before crawling into bed half clothed for a lovely, lovely long sleep.
BUGGER. Did you forget you had children?
Oh dear you poor thing!
…and I hope you didn’t forget about little Charlie’s soft play birthday party with a 10am start time?!
Oh you did?
You poor, poooooooor thing *sadface*
**************P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)
You should really think about doing a youtube make up tutorial because I personally would love to perfect the Touche Eclat all over the face plus bright statement lipstick look ;) ;) P.S Quavers are the best for late night munchies!
Love this. So funny and true x
Not a night out exclusive to new moms……..over 50’s live life on the thin line too – difference it’s grand kids and cats!!!!!!
But some Grama’s ( like me) can sleep it off the next day lol btw women over 50 can have New babies also I’ll be 48 when I have 1 x.
Unless you’re me and have a 10 year old when you’re 53.(pass the quavers)
Oh I am LAUGHING! So much rings true ! Good luck !
Literally my fave one ever & actually me this coming Friday… just deciding which name-sake I’m gonna be this time… ALL OF THEM cause im 37 and look ‘so young’ AND have two kids AND regularly hump pot plants holding a Bacardi breezer!!! Love it!!!
Ah the blissful 5 seconds when you wake up with a stinking hangover and forgot you have kids and you can’t feel the pounding headache yet. Such a dreamy lovely place…
So so true
Me last Saturday although did stay out until 2am! Thinking Gin cocktails were such a good idea
Had planned to take 23yo daughter to M&S first thing and family bike ride with little ones!! All has to be put off until later as I could not move
Joy of having twins then 11 year gap for the next 2
Cingratulations on your book. You deserve all the luck in the world you’re hilarious.
Have you been spying on EVERY NIGHT OUT I have ever had with my schoolmum friends??????
Mwahahaha! So good you’ve got such a great imagination and can come up with these make believe stories ;-) I’m sure you would never do any of the above! I’ve crawled in at 9.30pm before, literally minutes after Hubby put our 5 year old to bed – he’d let her stay up late as it was Friday night. Almost very awkward…
Book is ordered and can’t wait for my mum to bring it out in her suitcase next month. Have a fab launch and know you deserve every single second of fabdom – ace lady :-)
I am “Rachel” on this mum#s night out! Absolute corker! This has made me laugh A LOT!
This actually made me snort coffee down my nose on the train this morning! Made even better by there being my namesake in there, when I have been guilty of all of her crimes (and most of the others – I don’t have any clear recollection of humping pot plants but….)
Actually crying with laughter. Brilliant. Looking forward to my mums’ night out in about 6 months time! Already beside myself with excitement at the prospect
Baha! Brilliant. I could relate all too well.
One of the best. Got my flowery tea dress ironed and ready for tonight! (Actually)
Literally crying with laughter, almost peed myself (note to self, must do pelvic floor exercises). Your book is most definitely going on my xmas list, right after Baileys and Toblerone. Love your honesty. Please keep making mums smile!
I loved this, I found you through Emma (brummymummyof2) because she mentioned your book so I checked out your Instagram and loved your feed and then followed your blog (I’m not a weirdo stalker honestly) and I am loving your content, I am definitely going to buy your book, you must feel so incredibly proud of yourself and rightly so too, I can’t wait to go back over your blog and read all your posts. You’re fabulous and have made my Saturday, lots of love xxx
Zoe ♥ MammafulZo
Brilliant brilliant brilliant
OMG…how did you know? Even got a mention this time!!!!
Great. Girls having a good time, I’ve learnt something.
Everyone in the office is looking at me. I am shaking and crying with laughter as I read this. So so brilliant.
love these they are so funny ive ordered 3 books for my daughters well done and good luck mxxx
I’ve used comedy to deal with the anxiety of having my 2 lovely, sorry ‘lively’ boys too. Your blog is hilarious. I actually feel like a walking contraceptive. I think the population where I love is seriously starting to drop and the profit the off licences are making is on the rise – go figure! Keep smiling! Xx
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I love this, I have discovered this website today and think it is great! This reminds me of taking my daughter to a party when I had to exit “stage left” to be sick and then stop the car on the way home… ooops
My daughter (on baby number 2) and I, sit and squawk at your posts and fantastic book on a regular basis. She’s 29, ‘I’m 50 years…both can relate to everything you write. Absolutely brill and spot on. ( Stroking your mates in the loo…all women really do that don’t they?)
Thank God there’s a book out there worried mums can give to their harassed and bewildered daughters, and say it’s been the same for all of us. But due to your book, we can have a laugh about it. ..rather then sobbing. Well done you!
On a packed commuter train with grumpy people, and this has literally made my day!
‘Mummy I’ve done a poo and a bit went on my hand’ finished me!
Miserable commuters looking concerned at laugh out loud overtired working mum on train with them.
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You are hilarious! Thanks for sharing in such a creative way.
I love this, laughed out loud at the clothes options … I remember this so well … I’m sixty five and still struggling to find something to wear on a grans night out.
You were there last night?!
I came here to feel better about my mum-on-the-razz cringeathon last night, and it worked.
I can not tell you how much I am bloody in love with you and your writing girly! You don’t know me but I am a stalker (think of me as your everyday English Annie Wilkes) I am currently travelling the world with my two supposed- to- be -teenagers but actually still act like seven and four-year-olds, and often read your posts to remind myself of how it hasn’t got ANY easier like what they said it would, in fact, is now HARDER because when I hit the bottle I get ‘the look’.
Your honesty and humour are just fabulous!! Big fan, Liz