I’m sorry, It pains me to say this but I just don’t think we’re compatible any more.
You with your pretty ways, me with my lazy arse. If we don’t part ways now I’m afraid we’ll just end up hating each other. You see there are things you don’t know about me, bad things. Things that would leave you feeling disappointed and let down.
Ok here goes.
1, Most lunchtimes I feed my kids *whispers* sandwiches. I’m ashamed to say they are served square and have never been cut into dinosaurs or bunny shapes. I don’t tie neckerchiefs onto their bananas and I don’t hand carve faces into their babybel. Does that make you want to weep for them Pinterest?
2, I make my kids sleep on beds! Just you know, normal beds – slats, cheap mattresses and a headboard. Not castles, boats, tree houses, nor VW camper vans. It gets worse Pinterest – to get out of bed they just flop their feet down over the side! There’s no fireman’s pole or rope ladder, there’s not even a f*cking slide!
3, Rainy days in our house means films, being lazy and trying to steer the conversation away from PVA glue. I know you think I should be making ukuleles out of shoe boxes Pinterest, but I’m sorry I just can’t be arsed. And what’s the whole deal with ‘glitter slime’?! Surely that shouldn’t even be a thing! Geez I’m tempted to start a petition to get it outlawed in respect of carpets, hoovers and parental sanity.
4, Putting together an outfit in my house involves picking food off the least dirty t-shirt and sniff testing jeans for wee smells. Pray tell me, how do Pinterest kids always look so good? Why are they always smiling? Why are they more stylish than I have ever been? Why are they not covered in yoghurt and snot? How do you get them to strike a pose that’s not based on Buzz Lightyear? I hate them Pinterest – hate them!
5, And the final nail in the coffin Pinterest, the moment I knew we needed to part. It’s the quotes Pinterest, the bloody inspirational quotes! They make me want to die inside…
So pack your bags Pinterest and take your retro milk bottles with the stripy straws, your neon rice and your rainbow spaghetti, the ninja outfit made out of a watermelon (yes really!) and your top 10 funtastic but healthy snacks for kids with you. GAAARRRGH.
It’s not you, it’s me. No sorry I mean it’s you, not me. You’re truly terrifying.
Go away. Thank you.
P.S. My new book is out NOW. It is very stupid and makes a good Christmas present for people who like rude words. It is certainly not for children. You can buy it on Amazon (currently 69% off!) here or in all good bookshops and supermarkets :)