Something weird happened the other day. It was my turn for a lie in (which basically involves hiding in bed and dicking about on my phone without judgement) and it was uncharacteristically peaceful. More often that not lie ins are peppered with shouting, crying, squawking and children running in and out of the bedroom to jump on you etc etc.
At about 9.30am I went downstairs to investigate and survey the damage. Get this – there was none!
I could only hear happy children and I could only feel a strange sense of calm. I walked into the kitchen to find J sat at the table.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked
‘Sitting in the kitchen.’ he replied.
‘Just having my coffee…’ he explained
‘Sitting in the kitchen and drinking your coffee?!’
‘Yeh. I’ve Just been reading my book’.
‘SITTING IN THE KITCHEN, DRINKING YOUR COFFEE AND READING YOUR BOOK? WHAT?!’
I looked at him again, it was not a mirage, he was really and truly doing all of these things. They are three of my favouritist things to do in the world…
Was this some sort of fucked up, parallel universe in which being a parent allows you to do nice things for yourself?
It sounded amazing. I wanted me some of that.
The children apparently had been playing together for 2 hours. After nearly 3 years of hating each other there were signs that they may actually be starting to form a relationship.
This is the dream.
You see sometimes I’ve wondered what the whole deal was with this parenting thing. Why so many people do it, and then do it again, when a lot of it is actually just shit. Literally.
But I think we just saw the light…
God it was all going to be so simple from here on out! Maybe we would end up having another baby just for something to do. You know one of the ones you see on the TV and in magazines – cute, quiet, tiny and wrapped up in novelty towels. No trouble at all – just pop em in your pocket and wait for them to emerge as an adult.
But the light said not…
The light it comes and goes. Sometimes it’s so dim I can hardly see and other times it makes all of our faces glow.
The light is giving me bits of my freedom back. Little by little. I did a poo without an audience the other day and it was epic.
Now all I need is someone to follow me around and hit me in the face with a stinking great big fish whenever I show signs of getting broody…
P.S. My new book is out NOW. It makes a lovely Christmas present for people who like swearing and you can buy it on Amazon (currently only £4!!) here or in all good bookshops and supermarkets :)