A letter to my baby girl that never was…

Today is 4 years since we said goodbye to you.

I still think about you, although not many people would realise that or understand. I still wonder what if? Every time I read in the paper of a baby who defied the odds and survived I wonder if the doctors may have got it wrong in our case.

Should we have given you a chance – didn’t you at least deserve a chance?

You looked perfect to me on the scan. I breathed a deep sigh of relief to see your little heart beating away. Your perfect little hands and feet waving around and your face, so beautiful, with a little button nose.

But they saw what we could not – we needed more tests, more scans. We spent weeks in limbo, not knowing, it was the worst kind of hell.

It wasn’t a shock to get the call to give your diagnosis, you wouldn’t live, you couldn’t survive. I already knew that in my heart.

I’ve cried a million tears for you my baby girl that never was. My little Evie, my little star.

And I’m so deeply sorry that you never got to be any more than a black and white photo.

xxx

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P.S. I have TWO books out now! You can nab them on Amazon here or in all good bookshops and supermarkets :)

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49 thoughts on “A letter to my baby girl that never was…

  1. happyeverafterbride

    I read through JackieM’s blog over the weekend on how she refused to take no for an answer for her Baby Noah, and I know it is not an easy decision to make because it is a tough life ahead of both of you and a lot more pain. My heart goes out to you.

    Reply
  2. emma berry

    Couldn’t read this and not say something..so sorry for your loss and what a beautiful letter to remember your little girl by. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel, but she will always be with you xx

    Reply
    1. sue

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure a day doesn’t go by when you don’t think about the ‘what ifs’, but I hope time has healed your pain a little x

      Reply
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  4. Donna

    I feel bad that I have never read this post before. I only really started reading blogs in January and although I feel like I know you so well this post was such a shock to me.
    I have tears in my eyes for you and for your Evie. I hope me commenting on this doesn’t bring it all up for you again although I imagine She is regularly in your thoughts anyway.
    I am so, so sorry you had to go through this – Sending love (no gin this time!) x

    Reply
  5. Queenie

    oh this makes me so sad. I lost my little girl in what sounds like very similar circumstances….I have two lovely boys but will never forget my sweet girl. A very emotional post and I send my loving thoughts. Xx

    Reply
  6. Jo

    My little girl was diagnosed with Edward’s syndrome at 20 weeks. We were told she would not survive so decided to end the pregnancy.
    I still have such feelings of guilt and shame but know in my heart it was the right thing to do.
    Thinking of you.

    Reply
  7. Jo

    I share your pain. As I read your words I realised that I could have written them myself with only two changes. In March it will be ten years since we lost our baby boy Freddie. He is always in our thoughts and in our hearts. Sending you strength.

    Reply
  8. Vicki

    Thank you for writing this. It perfectly captures exactly how I feel after the loss of my Bean in March 2013. I feel as though your words could be my own. Sending you love x

    Reply
  9. Amysmummuy

    Have only just read this one even though I’ve followed you for the last 18 months. So beautifully written, I’m in absolute awe that you are able to find the words that you do to say things exactly how things are so perfectly. Lay here hiding on the floor of my nearly two year old’s room reading this with tears streaming down my face for what you must have gone through and still go through. Big hugs xxx

    Reply
  10. Cathy

    She’s not “the girl that never was”, she’s the girl that will ways be a part of you. Whether she is by your side or lives on in your heart.

    We never let them go xxxxx

    Reply
  11. Elizabeth

    My grief is such a lonely place. Six years since I lost my son in a similar manner, my grief is experienced in small moments, usually alone. I don’t have the space to grieve surrounded by my girls and all their love, energy and noise. So when I do remember him it’s always on my own. Thank you for sharing your experience, heartbreaking though it is, I feel slightly less alone.

    Reply
  12. Sara

    Couldn’t read and not comment, at a loss for words but just to say I’m so very sorry for your loss. Such a heartbreaking letter to have to write, but a lovely way to honour her memory x

    Reply
  13. Alex

    Like many others who have commented, I have been here too and agree, it’s a very lonely place. I struggle to be open about my experience as I can’t find the right words to explain it, and you have done it so very bravely and eloquently. Thank you xx

    Reply

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