It’s a thankless task at the best of times, motherhood.
From the day your child is born you feed, rock and change, feed, rock, and change on repeat only to be met with escalating cries and projectile bodily fluids.
Then they grow, start to move, and you take on the role of FUN POLICE; thwarting their efforts to repeatedly thwack the TV, reprogram the washing machine and/or pluck the cat.
You throw craft projects, trips to the park and ice-cream at them and still, they are not happy. Nothing is ever good/long/plentiful enough.
Words start to tumble from their lips and inform you that the home cooked meal you spent an hour preparing is ‘Yukky’, the birthday present carefully chosen by a loving relative is ‘RUBBISH!’ and your new hair cut makes you look like a ‘Poo head’.
They lie in a heap pounding the floor with their fists because the fish fingers are taking an unacceptable amount of time to cook. BUT If you serve them up frozen they cry to daddy that they had ‘bisgustin ice lollies’ for tea. It always seems to be a lose, lose situation.
And woe betide you dare leave the microwave door ajar instead of fully shutting it! Though maybe that’s just my one, OCD at just past 3.
But anyway, it’s OK because you know one day they will, finally, appreciate all you have done for them.
One day they will bound up to you all bright, breezy and full of smiles and inform you: ‘Mummy i am cutting you into tiny pieces so I can build a house out of you’ whilst hacking at your leg with a plastic saw.
Motherhood – ‘Because I’m worth it’.
**************P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)
What was your response? Where do you even begin explaining what’s wrong with that?! My “it’s not kind to… Cut Mummy up into bricks” Seem somewhat inadequate.
lol i know! I think i just tried not to laugh. He’s started spouting stuff like this and about ‘killing’ lately – probably passed down from a big brother of one of his pre-school mates. I don’t think he even knows what it really means!
I knew there was a reason why we didn’t have a cat. Now we’ve just got get rid of the t.v. and the washing machine…err…
Get rid of everything and live in an empty shell of a house with padded walls and a ball pool and you should be fine :)
Brilliant. Again! Loving the frozen lolly sticks for tea ;)
hee hee thanks lovely x
Amazing…. As always!
aww fanks xx
This did make me chuckle. The joys of motherhood indeed!
gotta love it!! ;) x
Love the “bisgustin lollipops” – I might make some for mine, they’re not appreciating my cooking. I asked my four-year-old what I should cook that she would eat, and she replied “em, nicer food?”
ha ha yep you need to up your game lady! x
We had burnt fish fingers last night. A result of my badly timed ‘apologise to your brother before we eat’.
I should have known his apologies take longer than the slowest cooked slow cookery of slow cooker meals. The fish fingers didn’t stand a chance!
Have you learnt nothing by now Mark? you got to choose your battles wisely ;)
Hahaha LOVE this!! My T is 16 months old and he’s just starting to show signs of this. I shut the baby gate into the kitchen to stop him falling and twatting his head on the slate tile (like he did last week!) and he SCREAMS the house down. There’s only more to come. Joy!
Oh god baby gates make them so angry don’t they!! Just make sure you hide all the real knifes Laura ;)
good – needed this since i was woken up at 4:40 today.
Oh my gosh snap – although i got an extra 10 minutes as it was 4.50am yawn.
Glad to see I have company!
You have summed it up perfectly! Lol x
I think I need the entirety of this tattooed up my arm as a reminder. Brilliant post. Everything often blurs into a constant string of thankless, mindless routine, but it only takes a little thing (such as my Bean’s cute if somewhat worrying proclamation that he wants to marry me) to realise why the hell we’re doing it in the first place.
So very true – you are a wise women Cas :)
I am too the fun police, pretty much all day every day. It’s harder work than you think stopping everything that they are enjoying doing, and suggesting other activities instead (which they then do, but find a way to make that inappropriate too!) and trying to be positive when both kids are grumpy and oldest is moaning about EVERYTHING and youngest is crying. Bah!
Still, wouldn’t change it for anything. Xxx
ha ha you make it sounds so much fun!!
You got me in fits of laughter, I can relate to much of this. Not shutting the microwave door is the kind of mummy behaviour that could result in a full blown tantrum at our place! X
Ahhh really?! I’m so glad – i thought it was just mine who was very odd with the microwave lol x
YES, yes and yes-this is my life right now-you write like a dream sister and have captured the daily angst we all go through. My 4 year old is seriously wearing out the naughty step right now so feel your pain!
Ahh thank you lovely lady! The naughty step does nothing here, i need a better deterrent but can’t figure out anything that he would actually be that bothered about! x
Nothing says love like fully body dismemberment. :)
ha ha ha ha ha – i like your perspective! x
Love this!! Three years olds are such hard work! Cherry is exactly the same! xx
Brilliant. Alice is getting to the calling me poo-head stage. Motherhood is just bonkers, good job we have a sense of humour!!! :)
You are brilliant! Love this post. Thank goodness little T still thinks I look lovely even when I haven’t brushed my hair in the morning. Although she’s so much like a teenager now and says things like “I”m going to die if you don’t _____ ” Yep, she’s not 3. She’s 13!
Hahahaa awwww building an ever lasting house to honour you out of your own flesh bricks is definitely love. Your fringe is brilliant but the poo head description did make me laugh :)
So so funny! Mads the other day shouted ‘you’ll never take me alive’ at the top of her lungs in front of the neighbours. I have no idea where she got it from but it was a little awkward.
It never ceases to astound me that our elderly cat (18) has survived 4 children, 2 of them at once! He’s had his fair share of plucking, chasing and bashing I can tell you :S
Ha ha life with boys! x
Made me giggle…and I’m so glad I’m not the only one to be told that something’s bisgusting! Great post lady xxx
I have just recently come across your blog and I love it – it makes me chuckle so much ( not least because my two are 19 and 17 and I’m through all this – although they bring their own problems believe me). I’m going to send my sister over to have a read – she’s got two girls aged 2 and1 and pretty much thinks the whole world is against her right now! And that she’s never going to get a decent sleep ever in her whole life. I don’t like to tell her that she will but not for a very long time!! And just when you start getting a nights sleep – they start going out and driving so you’re back to square one!
Ps – when my kids were younger ( but old enough to write) I had to send an important document back somewhere with ” poo-headed punk” written on it! And my coffee table still has a big blue cross in each corner from when they decided to play shops and have a blue-cross sale!!!!
Hi Lisa – thanks so much for your lovely comment! I’m glad you enjoy my blog, i’m still in shock that anyone reads it at all! But yes anyway send your sister over, would love to have her. I think we sound like we are in a similar situation ;)
Oh and i’m really laughing at your kids writing on the doc. and blue crossing your coffee table – doesn’t sounds like it gets much better for a while then hmmmm.
Do you ever get “you shouldn’t have not done that?” from the midget police? Occasionally I’d correct his grammar but he was usually in the right (like when I had my knife in the toaster)
Ha ha ha ha! Very funny post. I also have a demented toddler: most of the time it’s like being in charge of a deranged, miniature alcoholic. And I spend my days figuratively picking out all the blue M&Ms out of the bowl on her ‘tour rider’. Motherhood = bloody thankless.
Lol thats brilliant!! and you are so right – i always think they are like mini drunk people :)