I was sat on the sofa the other day, minding my own business, when the youngest one wondered up and punched me in the face with his tommee tippee cup.
The blow was hard, for a not quite 2 year old, and as I watched the bruise rise around my left eye I couldn’t help but thinking it was somewhat metaphorical – signifying that the baby days were well and truly over.
Welcome to TODDLERHOOD, season 2.
I think I may have blocked out some of the horrors of the first series but lately I’ve been having flashbacks. I remember my first son tantruming to the extent that his face turned deep blue and his body lay jerking on the floor. I remember screaming, convinced that he was having some sort of seizure and dashing for my phone to call 999.
As it turned out he was just a ‘bit’ pissed off that I had broken his banana in half. And at that moment, all the anger at being given an incomplete bit of fruit, was deemed more significant than actually – just breathing.
And now it’s happening again. My dear sweet bumbling boy has been possessed by an inner demon. His once pliable little body working against my every move.
So what do you do? Don protective headgear and sit cowering under the stairs or write a list of everything that pisses them off in order to stem off any aggravation?
Hmm lets see. Things that cause a meltdown include:
- Being buckled into the buggy without a biscuit
- Seeing a bus and not being on it
- Not being allowed to tip your water all over yourself
- Being wet because you tipped your water all over yourself
- A finite supply of blueberries
- Not being able to feed the cat yoghurt
- The cat not liking yoghurt
- Not being able to draw on the table
- Not being able to draw
- Not being able to eat pens
- Not being able to eat play-doh
- Eating play-doh
- Eating soil
- Eating soap
- Being hungry because you won’t eat any actual food
- Not being allowed to store pen lids in your mouth
- Not being able to shut your brother in the toy box
- Wanting to bend non bendy things
- Breaking things by bending them
- Not being allowed to throw objects of your choosing out of windows
- Cloud Babies
- Scrambled egg
- Bean juice on your hands after eating beans with your hands
- Not being allowed to bash the TV with a sword
- Your socks being on slightly twisted
- Not being able to take your socks off yourself
- Not having socks on
- Wearing gloves
- Having cold hands
- Sliced, as opposed to cubed, cheese
I could go on but you get the gist… If you want me I’ll be under the stairs (with a stash of gin).
**************P.S. I have TWO books out now! You can nab them on Amazon here or in all good bookshops and supermarkets :)