Father Christmas FAQs


Wondering how to b*llshit your way though your kids tricky questions about Father Christmas?

Yep so am I…

Q: Does anyone ever see Father Christmas?
A: No. He carries a Glock G21 and silencer – if he sees you he will have to kill you.

Q: What does Father Christmas do if you haven’t got a chimney?
A: Tries the windows and failing that he kicks the door down.

Q: How does he get the presents into my stocking?
A: He comes into your bedroom whilst you are sleeping and…

A: …unless we write a note asking him to leave the presents in the car boot!

Q: Why does Father Christmas get some people bikes and other people colouring books?
A: Because capitalism.

Q: I’ve changed my mind. Can I swap the Batman outfit on my list for a Lego Millennium Falcon?
A: No because Father Christmas has already bought the Batman outfit (and also the Lego Millennium Falcon is like £130!)

Q: I thought the elves made the toys?
A: Errr… Santa is a busy guy, sometimes he needs to outsource.

Q: So how does he get money to buy the presents?
A: The rest of the year round he manages a PPI call centre in Cape Town.

[Beard FAQs] Do you like his beard?/ Do you wish you had a beard like his?/ Do you wish daddy had a beard like his?/ Can I grow a beard like his when I am older?/ Is his the biggest beard in the whole world? etc etc.
A: Yes/No mumbling answers work best here. Try not to get drawn further into such fruitless conversations.

Q: Why are Father Christmas’s presents in the same wrapping paper as Grandmas?
A: Coincidence.

Q: Why does his writing look like yours?
A: Coincidence.

Q: Why does the reindeer food look like Go-Cat and glitter?
A: Coincidence.


Q: Why is the cat’s poo all sparkly?
A: Dammit.

Q: Why did the carrots we left out not get eaten but all the gin is gone?
A: Mummy mixes good gin and Father Christmas is my kinda guy!

Q: How does Father Christmas get round all the houses in one night?
A: Magic with a little sprinkling of amphetamines.

Q: How do his reindeer fly?
A: TBH everyone in his crew is most likely high on drugs.

Q: Is Father Christmas baby Jesus’ dad?
A: Anything is possible in religion…

Q: Where is baby Jesus?
A: He died a long time ago.

[Death FAQs]: What happens when you die?/ Will we all be together when we die?/ Do you still get to walk and talk when you die?/ When will I die?/ Will you die first?
A: I know lets watch The Snowman!


P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)


7 thoughts on “Father Christmas FAQs

  1. Rhyming with Wine

    I needed this. My eldest is 3 and starting to do the whole “questions” thing and I am about 30 years out of date on the theory. This is a fantastic resource and should be distributed in Bounty packs. Not sure if it will help with the current burning issue of “Why isn’t Santa a pumpkin?” but if you happen to come across that one too please let me know! :0)

    Sheer brilliance as always.
    Dawn x

  2. Pingback: How to answer those awkward Father Christmas questions - BabyandBump

  3. Flossy and Jim

    Hahahaha! BRILLIANT! FYI – We have ‘santa cams’ in our house, and Santa can see when you are being a pain in the butt. Santa cams could possibly, actually be burglar alarm sensors. *Titter*

  4. Rebecca Dodgson

    Oh, the wrapping paper! I am so paranoid about this, putting one special roll aside under lock and key. (Won’t remember where it is on Christmas, Eve mind. I have also had to fend off the question, “Mummy, how is Santa at the windmill, the museum, the train station, the castle and Tesco all at once?” Thank goodness he’s magic, eh? Merry Christmas and looking forward to another year of Hurrah For Gin. Congrats on the Mumsnet Blogfest award, btw – I was one of your many voters. You have made me laugh so much in 2015. Thank you.


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