I’ve noticed lately that you’ve changed. I’ve seen you trying to exert some sort of authority over me and almost believing that you’ve done it. Well… er… you so haven’t.
You might think I am not fully wise to your tricks but what do you think we talk about all day at pre-school? I was only regaling my crew with your predictable tactics the other day! It seems you need it spelling out…
Counting to three
What happens when you get to 3? Yeh – nothing.
I may have eaten all my tea for a lousy fromage frais if I hadn’t already pilfered 2 custard creams and a chocolate hobnob. FYI I am growing upwards towards the biscuit tin.
I know that every time we go out for a meal you fill your handbag with treats. I also know that I don’t need to behave to get them, in fact firing cutlery at people’s heads is much more effective. I see that look of desperation in your eyes and we all know what desperation means don’t we? Yeh – lollypops. AND there’s no point even trying to bluff that you don’t have any, cos well… lets just say I’ve been doing zips since 2011.
The naughty step
How can you possibly think spending 3 minutes sitting on a step is a suitable punishment for playing British bulldog with the cat? You see, the naughty step is what you make it – I can sing, chat gibberish, laugh hysterically to myself. Sometimes if I’m bored I might just empty a box of cereal on the floor and go and sit on it myself – you are so easy to wind up!
Confiscation (AKA TAKING MY CARS AWAY)
How very dare you. After last time you know not to go here again right?
This is my favourite as we both know you have totally lost it at this point! I feel particularly proud of myself if I manage to break you down in public as other people’s stares really are the icing on the cake. To top it all off it usually ends in an apology from YOU! #winning.
So it’s an E for effort and a big fat F for originality. I know you’re better than this, please try harder.
Your ever loving son F x
**************P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)