The baby wanted:-
- Unlimited access to wires and plugs sockets.
- To play the ‘vacuum baby’ game ALL day long.
- To snap the cd tray off the x-box.
- REAL keys, phones and remote controls. Stop buying the toy stuff it’s shit.
- To eat the cat.
The boy wanted:-
- Daddy to sell the car and buy a new one because I DON’T LIKE BLUE – I LIKE RED!
- To drive the car on my own.
- A real boat.
- A vat of PVA glue with no quantity rationing.
- All of the 234 die cast Disney cars and Mack the truck for ‘my collection’.
Mummy wanted: –
- 12 hours alone in a dark room.
- A label maker.
- A spa day.
Daddy wanted: –
- A season ticket to Arsenal (WTAF?!)
- A PlayStation 4.
- Some space and time to brew my own beer.
The cat wanted: –
- Some attention.
- A bit of attention?
- A very tiny bit of attention?
- A new cat bowl that colour co-ordinates with the rest of the kitchen.
P.S. My book is out NOW and makes an excellent Christmas gift for parents who aren't humourless twats. You can buy it for just £3.99 on AMAZON or you can grab a copy in bookshops and supermarkets!