One of the baby’s latest tricks is to bend over, put his hands on the floor and giggle at me with his wee upside down facey.
‘Hey F, come look at what your brothers doing, isn’t it cute?’ I call to the older one.
‘He’s just doing the downward dog Mummy’ he informs me.
Because yes dear readers, my boys aged 3.5 and 14 months both do yoga as part of their jam packed childcare schedules. If i remember correctly, from my time at play school, the order of the day went something like this:-
1, Fight tooth and nail for the sparkly red shoes
2, Paint a picture with a cup of sludgy brown water
3, Eat marmite toast
4, Wander about trying to avoid being bitten
5, Go home
If I ask F what he did that day, he would reply along the lines of this (should he ever be bothered to converse with me): –
‘First we took drama, we danced like leaves blowing in the autumn wind waving goodbye to the summer and then we listened to an excerpt from the Wind in the Willows and discussed its relevance to modern day society. Do you think Ratty’s penchant for poetry was a sign of weakness?’
‘Um, er, well yes, possibility i think…um…’
‘NEVERMIND! What did you do?’
‘I stopped your brother killing himself, watched Made In Chelsea on catch up and tried to stay away from the gin cupboard. Oh and then I did a bit of work to help contribute to the extortionate childcare fees we are paying. Glad to see its all being put to good use though.’
[The boy sighs audibly and thrusts his latest painting at me]
‘Oh lovely what’s this?’
‘El crocodrilo tiene dientes afilados.’
‘Ummm, errrrr Je ne comprends pas?’
‘IT’S NOT FRENCH YOU IDIOT! The crocodile has sharp teeth Mummy! Did you not take Spanish at pre-school? Urgh.’
‘Um no. Listen I’ll crack on with making tea, what did you have for lunch?’
‘Tibetan mountain stew and wild rice followed by vanilla panna cotta with a summer berry compote. You?’
‘A tin of Heniz ravioli.’
[Actually not jealous as I love Heinz ravioli – not the cheese one though that’s rank].
‘Ok fine well we better go and wind down before dinner and practice our yoga, I really need to nail the modified cobra by next week. We might do a little meditation too as i’ve been feeling a bit stressed out lately.’
‘Er what have you got to be stressed about?’
‘Well, I don’t mean to be rude but you do go on at us quite a bit. It’s always – pull your pants up, stop trying to lick the plug sockets etc. Your negative aura is starting to interfere with our chakras.’
[The boy exits and I retrieve fish fingers from the freezer in stunned silence]
So next week I think I shall just shove them both out of the front door with a sandwich and a stick and see if they can learn some real world survival skills. I will cross my fingers that they make it back alive and maybe, a little less middle class.
P.S. My book is out NOW and makes an excellent Christmas gift for parents who aren't humourless twats. You can buy it for just £3.99 on AMAZON or you can grab a copy in bookshops and supermarkets!