Simple, the basis of all good parenting is love right?
HA! They laugh in the face of love. Make yourself much more practical by perfecting these ten easy skills:-
1. You should be good at helping to do jigsaws without actually touching the pieces i.e willing the right pieces into place via mind power.
2. You should be able to fit bigger objects into smaller objects by magically reducing their circumference on demand.
3. You should be able to attach things, with no attachable properties, together.
4. You should be in possession of an iPad with infinite battery life and unfaltering 3G connection.
5. You should willingly give up your body to be used as a human trampoline.
6. You should not take offense to being drop kicked in the stomach.
7. You should posses a high level of boredom tolerance enabling you to push cars around the floor for hours, upon hours, upon hours, upon days, upon days, upon days, upon years….
8. You should be exceptionally good at colouring in. (Note – This is the opposite to point 1, in that you are required to do all of the colouring in under the strict direction of an unrelenting task master).
9. You should have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the Octonauts and be able to correctly select the requested episode going on a brief and vague description, lacking in any meaningful detail. i.e ‘The one with the purple fish thing.’
10. You should feel that the addition of the carefully considered felt pen drawings in your FRESHLY PAINTED hallway really adds something to the interior design of your home.
So in short if you have psychokinetic and gravity defying powers, abs of steel, the ability to shape shift objects and you are great at mind numbingly dull and precise colouring in, you will be loved and adored by all your offspring*.
If not then you just suck like the rest of us.
(* for approximately a week whereby the criteria will most likely change).
**************P.S. I have TWO books out now! You can nab them on Amazon here or in all good bookshops and supermarkets :)