Simple, the basis of all good parenting is love right?
HA! They laugh in the face of love. Make yourself much more practical by perfecting these ten easy skills:-
1. You should be good at helping to do jigsaws without actually touching the pieces i.e willing the right pieces into place via mind power.
2. You should be able to fit bigger objects into smaller objects by magically reducing their circumference on demand.
3. You should be able to attach things, with no attachable properties, together.
4. You should be in possession of an iPad with infinite battery life and unfaltering 3G connection.
5. You should willingly give up your body to be used as a human trampoline.
6. You should not take offense to being drop kicked in the stomach.
7. You should posses a high level of boredom tolerance enabling you to push cars around the floor for hours, upon hours, upon hours, upon days, upon days, upon days, upon years….
8. You should be exceptionally good at colouring in. (Note – This is the opposite to point 1, in that you are required to do all of the colouring in under the strict direction of an unrelenting task master).
9. You should have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the Octonauts and be able to correctly select the requested episode going on a brief and vague description, lacking in any meaningful detail. i.e ‘The one with the purple fish thing.’
10. You should feel that the addition of the carefully considered felt pen drawings in your FRESHLY PAINTED hallway really adds something to the interior design of your home.
So in short if you have psychokinetic and gravity defying powers, abs of steel, the ability to shape shift objects and you are great at mind numbingly dull and precise colouring in, you will be loved and adored by all your offspring*.
If not then you just suck like the rest of us.
(* for approximately a week whereby the criteria will most likely change).
**************P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)
You forgot the mary poppins bag with unlimited but incredibly specific snacks in!
Doh – obvious one!!
I can definitely relate to having to find random episodes on the Sky Planner of TV shows with not much to go on. Master ATWWAH’s latest obsession is Krypto the Superdog on Cartoonito.
They never put any episode specific info on the EPG though so I have to try to remember which ep is which. I’ve nailed ‘the puppies one’ :-)
Good work! I think i have it easy now though – i have never even heard of the shows you speak of!
I voted f
I voted for you! My kids expect me to know which episode of wipeout they want by asking for the one with the wobble-off?? Agh!!
Yep that narrows it down! Thanks so much Olivia :) x
Haha as usual you make me chuckle! You also forgot the ability to understand the screaming tantrums. We had an epic meltdown in a car park the other day, probably the worst we have ever had and it was over the fact that her shoelace was ever so slightly undone. It took me a serious amount of time (and screaming) for me to establish this horrendous and serious problem. ;)
I think we have only avoided such tantrums because we never have shoelaces in shoes! Sounds fair enough ;)
hahahaahha! So true – sadly, so true!
You should also have those mr fantastic arms from the fantastic four where you catch a flying toddler in a nanosecond!
11) You should be able to magically change the TV schedules at ANY GIVEN TIME, usually when your child is shouting “more Peppa please!” when Holly and Ben is on.
Yep standard! :)
Love this post – very true :) xxx
Haha so funny!! Kids are nuts! x
Exhausting reading. Oh my god – you need a weekend without your kids. See you in the bar at Britmums. I will keep your glass topped up.
I am going to hunt you down now Gemma!
I think I must suck at being a parent. I usually do the jigsaws, do the colouring and even do the play cooking! x PS, I love your pictures! x
Oh yes the jigsaws with the mindpower – being elbowed out of the way for daring to try to touch a piece, then berated for not helping. I have a feeling that in my dotage, I might have my revenge.
This is my life!!
Ha ha I was a nanny for 10 years so this made me chuckle!!
Point 9 is so true, but I find it applies to pretty much any of my kids’ favourite shows, not just Octonauts. Apparently I should have a detailed knowledge of Paw Patrol and Team Umizoomi too. “Daddy, I want The One Where Ross and Rachel are on a Break!” Now if it was an episode of Doctor Who they were after, I could do that …
I find I am also expected to immediately be able to call up any episode of anything they have ever watched, even though I have never actually recorded it. I curse the words “on demand”.
ha ha snap!! I also hate it when an episode of something else trails on to one i have recorded and he wants to watch that too but obviously cuts off and its ALL MY FAULT!
Reminds me of my son having a tantrum over not wanting to eat his banana after he has broken it, because it is broken. Well, my son, no woman on earth can fix a broken banana. Sorry.
I would never serve my son half a banana. My life would not be worth living ;)
Ha! Love is so overrated incomparision to Octonaut knowledge! Great post x
I truly enjoy my morning drop kicks. It’s true. *cries and ignores the bleeding*
They are little dictator aren’t they. I am totally bossed around on a daily basis to the extent I feel useless and unsure of my next action once they are in bed haha. Great post x
You should also be able to morph yourself into your other half upon demand, and/or somehow manage to teleport your offspring into his car at a moment’s notice, regardless of whether or not he is still at that stage many many miles away – or alternatively be happy to sit through a full half hour of “but I just really love my Daddy” amidst many many sobs!
Funny! A good skill for me would be to understand what “Mummy help!” means when its followed by no further verbal cues and is repeated with increasing urgency & distress
Lol i guess if he were in a perilous situation then that might give a clue but if not then i’m stumped!! x
Colouring in was the only thing I was ever any good at….I found it a great way to switch off from all the other mind numbingly boring stuff associated with being a parent of toddlers! Great post as always x
So scarily true, all of of it. What’s worse is that my kids watch Octonauts in English and also Welsh so not only do I have to remember which episode has the purple fish thing in, but I also have to be able to figure that out with my very poor grasp of Welsh :/
Katie you continue to entertain and crack me up. I love reading your post when they pop up in my emails. Each one is hilarious and creatively written. 10 good parent traits right there. I bet you have each ability down to a tee!!!! Amazing parenting right there. Lmao.
ha ha – so true!
Ha ha love it! I think you, Earth and I should have an Oct-off at BritMums. I feel like I know it all – but then have never actually watched a whole episode through. Except The Amazon Adventure. A million times. Sometimes I feel like Captain Barnacles is my husband. xx
Haha, this is hilarious!! With two toddlers I am definitely in the push the car around for hours on end stage! Thanks for the great laugh!!
Fantastic – but I believe that making my child know that he can colour in better than me helps with his self-esteem. Well done for making it into the BiBs final.