Day 1 – We are going on a holiday. Daddy says it’s a chance for us all to relax which makes mummy snort and mutter something like ‘same old sh*t, different location.’ A thing called packing happens which seems to make everyone hate each other and random inanimate objects such as shoes and charging devices.
After we have been in the car for a bit the baby sicks up loads of big lumps of milk that stink. We can’t stop due to the motorway so we have to drive for ages with lots of crying and everyone feeling sick due to the disgusting sick smell.
When we finally find somewhere to stop mummy starts changing the baby and daddy wanders off, she says ‘you have got to be kidding me!’ He comes back later with a coffee the size of his head which mummy says is ‘bloody ridiculous’. I wonder if when I grow up, I will get angry about the size of drinks other people buy too.
We get on a boat that takes us on the sea to the France which is a place where they drive on the wrong side of the road and eat cross ants for breakfast.
The house we are staying on sits on water. It has no wifi which is also ‘bloody ridiculous’ and causes mummy to have a tech tantrum similar to when i throw the ipad on the floor in a rage or when daddy kicks the xbox because he loses on Fifa. It means I can’t watch videos of people opening kinder eggs on YouTube. This sucks.
I can’t sleep because I don’t understand how a house can be on the water and not be a boat. I have to ask for clarification 37 times before I can properly relax.
Day 2 – We spend most of the day either in the swimming pool or talking about when we are going to go swimming again.
We have crepes for lunch which i won’t eat even though it’s ‘all the exact same things i have at home.’ I don’t care – they look strange. For the rest of the holiday I am going to refuse to eat anything except chicken nuggets and ice-cream because I am suspicious of France and its odd ways.
I’ve noticed so far that a holiday seems to be about getting more shoutey than usual and drinking beer all day. Apparently because the bottles over here are smaller than the ones in England ‘they hardly even count.’
Day 3 – At home we have a thing called ‘triple protection’ on my bedroom windows which is blackout curtains, a blackout blind and another blind gaffa taped right up to the edges. Here the curtains are pretty thin which is great as it makes the days longer meaning more time for having fun. Mummy says the swimming pool doesn’t open at 5.30am though and asking every 5 minutes is not going to change that. Whilst we wait for swimming, mummy drinks lots of coffee and looks like she is going to cry. God love her.
In the afternoon we go to see some poxy ruins. Everyone looks bored. Apparently its just so we can say we did something cultural. We should have just gone swimming, they all know it too.
Day 4 – We go swimming in the morning and in the afternoon and eat chicken nuggets and ice-cream as it’s ‘Just not worth the battle anymore.’ #winning
When we get back to the weird boat/house thing mummy and daddy drink champagne and eat crisps called Bugles which are apparently the two best things about France.
Day 5 – Packing happens again. There is a lot of muttering. Daddy is a something something idiot and mummy should stop being an uptight witch?
We drive past a McDonald’s on the way to the ferry and mummy says it is probably the first time she has been on holiday and not had a Big-Mac. She seems pleased, In a way. Apparently its fun going in and seeing all the different things they have on their menu but I don’t really understand why anyone eats anything other than chicken nuggets anyway.
I pass the time in the car by kicking daddy is the back of his seat and asking for my DVD’s to be swapped over every 5 minutes.
After the boat bit wifi goes back on the phones again and everyone visibly relaxes.
When we get home we are all happier. Daddy likes being closer to the Xbox, which i am absolutely and categorically not allowed to snap the tray off of again. Mummy is enjoying standing in the kitchen stroking the gin cupboard and the baby is just an idiot who doesn’t seem to care where he is as long as there are cabinet doors to smash.
A weird thing happens next. When mummy and daddy are talking to other people about the holiday they say stuff like ‘it was lovely’ and ‘yes, really good thanks.’ They showed me some of the photos on the computer and we all laughed. Apparently this is called ‘rosy retrospection‘ which is a good thing for holiday companies and also the reason why I have a little brother.
**************P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)
Ah beaut piccys! Looks like you had such a lovely holiday. I am sad to say that even though I sounded sorry for you. I did giggle when the baby was sick. I know this makes me a bad person but I had been there. So it was ok. And also you do know they serve booze in foreign Maccy Ds don’t you???? You missed a trick there bab xxx
I think i did know that but forgot – doh!!
Oh and you are totally forgiven as you were my supportive twitter buddy as the sick hit the car seat in real time ;) xx
Ha ha ha ha ha. I have a post along the same line nearly drafted. I think you’ll appreciate it :-)
Looking forward to it Rachel! :))
Love the cross ants! Why do babies puke when you can’t pull over? Holiday are certainly something else with small children in tow! Lovely pics though x
I think it must be because they are evil!
Hehe, this made me giggle…and also worry as we are going to France in a week and a half and I fear we may have some of the same problems! Also we have to drive all the way from Scotland to Portsmouth (although we are stopping in Blackpool overnight so don’t have to do it all in one go at least) with a baby who has recently decided that if he has been in the car for more than an hour he will scream and scream until we stop and get him out! The joy.
oh my god! Why are you doing this?! ;)
i feel your pain though. Once they stop sleeping all the time cars are pretty boring to babies, the older one watches dvds on the headrest things but there are only so many times you can use rice cakes to placate a bored baby! Good luck though and have a wonderful holiday xx
Love it, and as we are flying away on Sunday I’m expecting a very similar experience. As we are spending have the time in the remotest of Spanish villages I’m already panicking about the lack of wi-fi and connection to the outside world. Luckily the large gin servings make up for a lot!
Cross ants is going to keep me laughing for the rest of the week :-) xx
Ahhh have a lovely time Jo! And yes gin really does help :) x
*stifles laugh* I bet you had a great time. In retrospect… – do ALL kids watch these Kinder Egg videos? I had been wondering, mine are obsessed by the woman who does ‘egg surprises’ – the one with the cool Disney nails.
Holidays can be over-rated. Time with the kids is sometimes over-rated. Sorry. No I’m not. Yes I am. A bit. Oh erm…”GREAT POST” xxx
HA!! And yes the views speak for themselves – yes all kids love them!
Love this!!!! But where on earth were you staying in France that they didn’t have the obligatory French shutters that block out every last inch of light?!? (I might miss these more than French cheese, bread & wine combined.)
Oh to have shutters! In was center parcs damn them :(
How did you skip the foreign macdonalds? Japan has the best one I have visited with bacon and cheese pies in the same style as our apple pies
That sounds amazing! Must go to Japan now. And i don’t know how we missed it :(
Haha, brilliant! Reminds me of the holiday we’ve just had in Spain, except we were necking 1 Euro bottles of wine and cheap baileys, and child number 2 fell off the Trunkie and smashed her head before we even reached Gatwick passport control!
Most excellent blog material ha ha x
Yup, my latest post is all about this! :-)
Too funny again!! We have a makeshift triple protection for the littlest un, takes ages to put up every night & is useless! All I could keep thinking about F’s chicken nuggets & ice cream diet is: he eats chicken nuggets without chips?! Hope you did have a lovely hol though xxx
Yes he doesn’t like chips! or chocolate – strange child. And yep not even sure why we bother with the blackouts either ;) x
Sounds lovely F. Yes, grown-ups use that word a lot… and what a coincidence, we are also going to France for a holiday in July! But no, I’m not letting T do a blog post just yet ;) Love to your mum.
Brilliant! Made me laugh so much! Why do we go on holiday?! Makes you think hey? :)
TOO funny!! It gets easier – I promise- for both the adults and the kids ;) Your photos are gorgeous though Katie, so sweet, and not a gintin/wine bottle in sight – that’s a lot more than I could say for our holiday pics!! Xx
Very funny Katie and love the cross ants. Wonder if they taste good with butter and jam? Trouble with those pesky last cheap holidays before school starts forever is that there’s absolutely no pressure to enjoy yourselves, is there? Anyway hope the photos belie the story – looks sunny anyway :) We’ve just booked a hol in the same field where we spent 4 long wet nights and days in monsoon drenched Dorset couple of years back. As we left I remember saying, “Come back? Not in a million years”
Ah I love you Katie, you brighten up my day. Aren’t holidays with small people great?! Glad you had a good time. Loving the cross ants. xx
Ha, love this! Very true, especially the rosy retrospection (says the mother of three…)
Sunshine, a swimming pool and ice cream – what more could you want from a holiday little F? Did you ever see the episode of Pointless where they asked the about-to-be-winners (father and daughter) what they would do with the money – she said she’d take her children on holiday, with help (which her Dad volunteered to be) because “otherwise it’s just hot childcare” – I’ve loved that phrase ever since!
Sooo…. never trust an foreign crepe and always open your mouth as wide as humanly possible whist eating :) got it x
So glad you had such a great holiday hun. I can to relate to so much and more. I have travelled with my kids across the world a few times and it’s no picnic in the park is it? Just out of our comfort zone trying to keep things moving as normal without all our own sh+t. hahahaha I love the photos. So cute. This had me laughing and feeling like i was right there with you thinking the same thing. ;) Great post.
I’m finding, after six years, I am coming to terms with the trauma of packing. It now only takes me half a day and 2 pre prepared spreadsheets.
I read that whole post out loud to Hubby. This is why holidays with kids are pretty…. hmm… yeah. Not exactly a holiday! Great post! So funny. Love the ants x
Holidays – I’m so with you on the same shit, different location thang. And then there’s the packing! Why do we do it to ourselves? Love your son and his chicken nuggets – so much safer than those crappy crepes. x
Genius. Family holidays a time of quality time to bond and enjoy each other’s company. Or is it??
This is why I refuse to go abroad now and have a strict 2 1/2 hour drive maximum for UK holidays. Thank goodness for rose-tinted glasses.
Cross ants- so funny. And ‘Apparently this is called ‘rosy retrospection‘ which is a good thing for holiday companies and also the reason why i have a little brother’ is the best line ever. ;) Glad you had a good time and love the pics. x
Ha ha, sounds like our holidays! I’m so glad it’s not just me :-) Thanks for linking up ;-)
I did giggle at this .
Love your writing
ha ha you are funny! many a car journey not as far as France i hasten to add indeed just an hour or so in to a journey, – and we have had puking in the back of the car!!! the photos do make it look like you all had a wonderful time away x
This is hilarious!! One of my faves I think, made me sit here laughing out loud!! x
This is totally brilliant and in ‘rosy retrospection’ My month long ‘holiday’ in South Africa with two under threes was infact ‘lovely’ and I really cant wait to go again. This post has also brought back memories of a wonderful road trip we took that culminated in dinner in a car park (where my daughter did eat actual cross ants, such good times.
Opening kinder eggs videos!!! Are all kids fascinated by this? Not sure if those or watching someone walk round toys r us is worse, or that annoying orange.
We go to my family in Germany for our holidays and they live in a block of flates. While my parents don’t enjoy the perks of wifi yet, the children soon discovered that sitting in the stairwell allows you to use the neighbour’s wifi. They then proceeded to sit there every evening, nearly scaring some of the neighbours to death when meeting little orphans in the ghostly lights of their ipads/iphones sitting on the stairs outside their doors :-D
We go to my family in Germany for our holidays and they live in a block of flats. While my parents don’t enjoy the perks of wifi yet, the children soon discovered that sitting in the stairwell allows you to use the neighbour’s wifi. They then proceeded to sit there every evening, nearly scaring some of the neighbours to death when meeting little orphans in the ghostly lights of their ipads/iphones sitting on the stairs outside their doors :-D #wifiisessential