We are going on holiday tomorrow, it will be our littlests first time on a plane. We have ventured out of the country before but our preferred destination is France. largely because you can get there via a car filled to the brim with stuff that makes them happy. This time around we are limited to the amount we can squeeze into our suitcases which gives me the fear because… considering packing, is it actually worth going on holiday?
The last few days have been spent in preparation mode, I’ve been sourcing kids crocs on eBay rather than hunting down the perfect shimmery sun tan cream and it got me thinking about how different pre-holiday preparations are now that we have children…
Researching the destination
- Before kids: Look up nice bars, restaurants and cultural places of interest to visit.
- After kids: That place you booked because it said it was ‘child friendly’ and had decent Wi-Fi? Now look up what country it’s actually in. Then look up the nearest A&E.
- Before kids: Download some new music and order 3 books from Amazon for relaxing by the pool.
- After kids: Charge the i-Pad to within an inch of it’s life and fill it with an abundance of irritating crap. Don’t bother with anything for yourself because your entertainment can consist purely of making sure your kids don’t drown.
- Before kids: Allocate the evening before for a beautifying session. Have a nice bath, shave legs, paint toes, apply fake tan. RELAX.
- After kids: Allocate the evening before to have a fight about who was meant to book the airport parking (not me!) before angrily clipping your toenails and butchering your legs with a manky blunt razor.
- Before kids: Select day time outfits AND evening outfits. Take double the amount of clothes than it is actually possible to wear including numerous pairs of shoes with varying heel heights.
- After kids: Fill up one whole suitcase with nappies, factor 50 sun cream and Calpol and fill up the rest with kids clothes, kids spare clothes, blow up items, plastic beach crap, black-out blinds, special cups and 26 absolutely vital toys that cannot possibly be left behind. Then cram three £5 dresses from primark, your trusty 5 year old bikini and some multi purpose daytime/evening flip flops in the suitcase least likely to burst whilst muttering ‘what’s the f*cking point’ at regular intervals.
Getting to the airport.
- Before kids: Chat excitedly in the car on the way to the airport and arrive feeling relaxed and excited about your trip.
- After kids: Cry. Don’t talk unless it’s in swear words. Intermittently throw sweets into the back of the car to appease your overtired offspring who decided to sleep past 5am on the ONE DAY that you needed to leave the house at 5am. Arrive at the airport on the brink of divorce covered in a ridiculous amount of children, luggage, car seats and buggies, looking like a demented goddam camel. Feel glad that at airports it’s socially acceptable to drink 24/7. Have a pint with your McDonalds breakfast, things are looking up…
Happy holidays y’all, see you on the other side!
**************P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)
Am crying with laughter at this – it’s all sooooo true! Am impressed you even got to shave our legs with a blunt razor the night before! Best of luck – have fun! x
Bloody brilliant, again. We too have mainly stuck to France thus far. The one time we didn’t it was me that ended up in A and E, and us on an emergency flight home (me, pregnant, incapacitated, stretched across 3 seats, husband in charge of me and toddler). I’m not brave enough to venture further – so good on you.
Hope kids are asleep and you are pissed.
We are going to go abroad next year for the first time and the more I think about it the more I don’t wanna go!! x
Have a fabulous time lady! One thing that does get easier with teenagers…..you can actually read a book on holiday. Yay! X
Oh good luck! Both with the flight and the holidaying – I hope you have a lovely time!
Haha – all very familiar. Although on my last trip, when my daughter was still napping, I did finally manage to read a book in the sun with a drink on several days! I can’t begin to relax until I’m through security with a large coffee though – must go and download all of CBeebies now as I’m on a plane tomorrow too.
This made me laugh so much, so thank you! I remember last year we only went to Devon but still I was swearing round the house that this wasn’t a bloody break for me! Enjoy lovely lady xx
God this is so true! Hope you have a fantastic holiday! It does get easier the older they get!
I burst out laughing reading this. So so true! Have a fab holiday in your £5 Primark dresses and age old bikini! I did!!’ Xxx
Cant stop laughing – so TRUE!!
“Your entertainment can consist purely of making sure your kids don’t drown.”
Ha have an amazing holiday, the YOLO image had me in hysterics (remembering our last holiday) PAH xx
Haha so true! I will never do this to myself I swear to you! One large suitcase and a train journey in August is punishment enough I won’t go any further! Hope you’re having fun!!
Fab blog and so true… One thing you forgot:
Before kids: spend ages browsing the cottages and villas on offer, paying attention to the terraces, outdoor pools and cultural attractions in vicinity. Don’t give a second thought to the bed apart from wondering how much holiday sex you’ll have in it.
After kids: spend ages browsing the cottages and villas on offer, paying attention safely fenced in gardens, proximity to nearest playground, and the size of the double bed available as you know FOR SURE you’re going to spend every night in it with at least one child squashed in between you….so no chance of holiday sex….
Brilliant post as usual! Hope you have a lovely holiday. Good luck!
This is all so true and I think we only ever go away because my husband insists on it!
Haha! Hope you’ve got your feet up and are managing to overlook the hacked toenails and spikey legs. And having lots of alcohol for breakfast. xx
This was me last year at Gatwick. Spent £1000 on Cbeebies magazines in whsmiths so my kids would sit still in wetherspoons so we could knock back a pint to take the edge off.
Flight delayed by 4 hours. Had to spend another 5 million quid to keep kids entertained and then my 4yo lost patience and legged it out of the airport.
In the end we gave him Pirotin. When in doubt, medicate! Hope you made it there in one piece and that you make it back still married x
I love this Katie had to share it over on facebook. Too funny… SO TRUE.. I can really relate having just travel across the states with my two tots. lol I love that you got to shave your legs I usually forget in the mix of everything else I am taking care of. Love this.
Ha Ha I love this so funny and brings back memories of how stressful it was traveling with toddlers x