If you are new to parenting you might be under the illusion that it’s all about a bit of trial and error and making decisions that seem best for your kid. Unfortunately it’s not quite as simple as that, you are also required to have an opinion on everyone else’s decisions too!
If you are concerned about not knowing anything about them, their background or current situation, honestly don’t be – in fact that works even better. You see (apart from the childcare bit) parenting Is mostly made up of ramming ill educated opinions and quasi superiority down the throats of others.
Not sure where to start? Here’s a few of the top issues you should be getting offended by: –
- Bottle feeding – I don’t know about you but I get so fed up with all of the lame excuses! Oh you didn’t have enough milk? It was too painful, you have infectious mastitis (again), it’s affecting your mental health bla bla bla. Get the violins out. Could you maybe find it within yourself to put your child’s needs above your own? #selfishcow
- Breastfeeding – obviously I’m massively pro BF (see above) but I can’t shake the feeling that the way some people do it looks almost er… pornographic! I mean there’s a time and a place right? Public toilets for example, or a cupboard. I saw a lady feeding an almost 2 year old the other day, sooooo unnatural. Get him on the bottle love.
- Swearing in front of your kids – I don’t care if it just slipped out. IT’S F*CKING DISGUSTING!
- Stay at home mums – oh dear your house is a tip! Don’t worry I understand, it must be hard to find the time for cleaning in between keeping all of the local coffee shops in business. Honest question – what the hell do you do all day?
- Working mums – It’s all about the nice cars and exotic holidays with you people isn’t it? Another honest question – why did you even bother having kids?
- Dummies – I’m just so sick of being up half the night worrying about the teeth of other people’s children. Just because I’ve never met them doesn’t mean I don’t care about their dental bills.
- Sleep training – Ok I get you’re at breaking point, but it’s not about you any more is it? Sit there and hold your baby ALL NIGHT if you have to, you won’t get that precious time back. I read somewhere sciency once that putting your baby down, like EVER, increases the chance of them becoming an axe wielding psychopath… #truestory
- Junk food – Eating out as a family should be about ordering exotic things off the menu and taking pictures to post on facebook, whether it gets eaten or not is by the by. Keep a super-size bag of budget chicken nuggets in your freezer and your kids can fill their tummies when they get home. If no one sees it, it didn’t happen.
- Food art – Has the world gone mad? Who has the time to carve up bits of carrot into love hearts? A cheese sandwich and a Trio was good enough in my day – stop trying to make everyone else feel bad.
- Reins – what would you rather, parade your kid around on a leash OR let them run into oncoming traffic? No-brainer – your kid is not a dog.
- Tech – You like to use the tablet to get 20 minutes of peace on a long haul flight? I’d like to see you interacting with your child! All this screen time makes me so very, very sad. Do families not talk any more? *dabs eyes with tissue*
- Crafting – I hate lazy people who can’t be bothered to craft with their kids and I also hate people that ram all of their stupid over the top crafty projects down my instagram feed.
- Style – Oh Mummy what’s become of you since you had kids? Do you know what a hair-dryer is these days? Make-up? Would it hurt you to occasionally wear something other than leggings? But obviously don’t go over the top, not like that perfect looking skinny bitch down the park, You know, the one with the non dead eyes, immaculate highlights and ridiculously well behaved children? I HOPE SHE F*CKING DIES.
I have two boys and do you know what – they are ‘boysy’ boys. I’m not saying that because I think it’s right or cool. I’m saying that because it’s just the way it is.
They like climbing, smashing, grabbing, wrestling, jumping, shouting and consistently talking about poo, just like some girls and just like a lot of other boys. It’s not something I have encouraged, in fact I have always supplied them with a wide range of toys, but the dolls buggy we bought is used as a battering ram and if I were to ask them to make me some dinner at their toy kitchen I would most likely receive a wooden carrot in my eye socket. Ouch.
I remember vividly the day I took my eldest to a small zoo when he was 3 years old, as an animal lover I had hoped he would share in my passion but as we moved from enclosure to enclosure he was largely disinterested, until suddenly full of excitement I saw him run towards a fence and press his face up right against the bars. What incredible animal could have finally captured his attention I wondered?!
The mechanical, non alive ones, building a new enclosure for real animals that he would consider pointless… because they don’t have wheels. There is not much more that I can do now except hold my hands up and say…
Our house is a war zone right now. Us (or actually just me) vs. the toys.
They are bloody everywhere, slowly creeping into every nook and cranny, claiming room after room for their own. In my shoes, in my bed, in my handbag, even in the freezer?!
If the situation was serious before, Christmas certainly didn’t help. Arriving home with a car that looked like the getaway vehicle in a Toys R Us smash and grab has lead to far too many storage solution related dreams #FML.
I was not prepared to take it lying down so there was only one thing for it – we needed a big clear out. The only thing in my way was a small, blonde, noisy thing but I reasoned that I could appeal to his better nature.
But, um, have you ever asked a child to help select a few of his old toys to give away?
Yep so altruism hasn’t really happened yet. Whatever, I just got stuck in anyway – he couldn’t still want all of the old broken sh*t right?
I’m not a Halloween Scrooge, far from it! I like nothing better than dressing up like a tw*t and taking my kids knocking on random people’s doors asking for free stuff in a terribly unBritish like fashion.
However there is one thing that really gets my Halloween goat. The pathetic attempt by brands to cash in on it by making absolutely zero effort to spook up their products…
Cadburys WTF is so ‘scary’ about an orange cake bar?!?
Unless i am mistaken Hartleys what is so fangtastic about your bog standard strawberry Jelly?
We don’t eat out that much as a family, to be honest it’s never been much fun. The food is way too colourful (ergo suspicious), it takes too long to arrive resulting in the unpopular activity of extended sitting and if you down your babychino in one and lob the cup over your shoulder unashamedly, well it turns out some places are not quite so ‘baby friendly’ after all. In short I can think of better ways to spend 50 quid.
Now compare this experience to that of McDonalds – the food is consumed voluntarily and without fuss, delivered to you within seconds, all wrapped up in an exciting looking box and with a piece of plastic tat for good measure. Is it a no brainer? Do you scurry your brood in, head hung in shame or would you not let your kids within 100 ft of the golden arches?
When I was a kid Maccie D’s was part of childhood. It was the post panto tradition every Christmas eve, it was the crème de la crème of birthday parties with the coveted kitchen tour. I fondly remember scoring stacks of no purchase necessary game cards and standing in the street with my sisters, fervently scratching the panels in the hope of revealing ‘free regular fries’.
We used to wolf down the chicken teeth and giblets along with the nuggets no bother and moo at our mad cow brain burgers. Mechanical separation – say what? Pig fat milkshakes – Yum!
Yet times have changed and despite a massive positive shift in the processes and quality of the food there those who would have you believe that every time someone buys their kid a happy meal Jamie Oliver finds a kitten and stamps on its head repeatedly until it is dead; which seems confusingly contrary to his general ethical stance on stuff but hey ho.
I confess – we go. I just make a massive show of licking the babies chips clean of salt before he eats them. Better people think me unhinged than an irresponsible parent. And I can hardly wax lyrical about the benefits of healthy eating soon as the only vegetables I would consume up to the age of 25 were potatoes and the tomatoes in ketchup. Look at me, I’m not dead (yet).
Worth a visit for one of my favourite photos ever
The boy has a new love. Postman Pat has all but been resigned to the reject bin. About 100 quids worth of crappy merchandise lies broken and forgotten.
You may wrongly assume me to be jumping for joy. I am not.
You see his new love is Topsy and Tim.
I will leave aside the topical issue of gender stereotyping that the programme has stimulated much debate for (for i am nothing if not shallow) and talk about the thing that really riles me.
All the god damn enthusiasm.
It’s not the kids, we all know that kids are irritatingly enthusiastic at the best of times. It’s the parents. It’s the fact that every bouncy twin request is met with an ‘Oooooh weeee yes of course!’ from mummy and/or daddy.
I sit staring at the TV willing one of them to shout ‘JUST BLOODY SHUT UP FOR FIVE MINUTES AND LET ME READ THE PAPER IN PEACE.’
I’ve noticed an alarming trend at pre-school, some of my fellows seem to be eating what is presented to them on their plates without query. I have also witnessed some voluntary consumption of vegetables. It makes me sick.
Take heed people, follow these simple rules and exert some fricking authority!
- Set the tone – spend a week detoxing on jam toast.
- Refuse anything but Cheerios for breakfast. Have them without milk on Mondays, Thursdays and every other Friday. Hyperventilate if they get this wrong.
- Don’t try anything new EVER.
- Just because you liked something yesterday does not mean you have to like it again today. It is perfectly acceptable to change your mind and you do not have to explain yourself.
- Fruit as a pudding is bullsh*t.
- Be suspicious of anything that was recently alive. Beige, dead looking stuff is safer.
- Request a wide variety of food at the supermarket and then a, deny all knowledge of it upon your return home or b, allow it to be cooked first and then say you don’t like it.
- Spend some time revising brand names so that you can legitimately refuse cheaper derivatives.
- Any amount of cooking or food preparation time above 30 seconds is wholly unacceptable.
- Ask for updates of when things will be ready every 10 seconds, protest with your fists on the floor if things are taking too long. This may result in the meal being served half frozen but it doesn’t matter as you are not going to eat it anyway. Continue reading
I’m old enough now that if i really want something then i would just buy it myself. When it comes to Christmas day i would be quite happy to receive a grand total of zero presents because i just don’t need anymore stuff*.
If people are to ask me for ideas as to what gifts i would like i will happily tell them not to bother. But it seems that’s not an acceptable answer. Or if i tell them what a really want – 12 hours alone in a dark room – they laugh and tell me to to stop being so melodramatic.
Trendy, coastal, a one-off, modern, eclectic, rustic, expensive looking, a collision of old and new, whimsical (say what?!), contemporary, pleasing to the eye, vintage, vintage looking, bohemian, farmhouse style, unique, classical and classy?
Or just shit looking?
I have tried to contact you via the Royal Mail but they are under the illusion that Greendale is a fictional place – what’s up with that?! You may find this letter a tad harsh but I feel I need to write to address you directly as your friends, family and colleagues seem unwilling or unable to give you any constructive feedback.
Lets cut to the chase. You are crap at your job and I have absolutely no idea how you managed to blag your promotion to Head of Special Delivery Services. You consistently lose, damage and/or open parcels you have been entrusted to deliver which is both stupid and illegal. Before you protest I have listed a few examples of your incompetence that have particularly riled me.