I’ve noticed an alarming trend at pre-school, some of my fellows seem to be eating what is presented to them on their plates without query. I have also witnessed some voluntary consumption of vegetables. It makes me sick.
Take heed people, follow these simple rules and exert some fricking authority!
- Set the tone – spend a week detoxing on jam toast.
- Refuse anything but Cheerios for breakfast. Have them without milk on Mondays, Thursdays and every other Friday. Hyperventilate if they get this wrong.
- Don’t try anything new EVER.
- Just because you liked something yesterday does not mean you have to like it again today. It is perfectly acceptable to change your mind and you do not have to explain yourself.
- Fruit as a pudding is bullsh*t.
- Be suspicious of anything that was recently alive. Beige, dead looking stuff is safer.
- Request a wide variety of food at the supermarket and then a, deny all knowledge of it upon your return home or b, allow it to be cooked first and then say you don’t like it.
- Spend some time revising brand names so that you can legitimately refuse cheaper derivatives.
- Any amount of cooking or food preparation time above 30 seconds is wholly unacceptable.
- Ask for updates of when things will be ready every 10 seconds, protest with your fists on the floor if things are taking too long. This may result in the meal being served half frozen but it doesn’t matter as you are not going to eat it anyway. Continue reading