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Our family holiday diary

Day 1.

This year we decided to ‘holiday’ in the south of France. It’s a pretty looooooooong journey which makes it extra funny that after being in the car for approximately 1.5 minutes (I’m not exaggerating) the following questions begin…

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Hahahahahah. NO!

We get the ferry to Calais (which involved spending £30 on food no one would eat and hanging out in the arcade room for 1.5 hours) and drive to a skanky Ibis hotel somewhere in the middle of France to break the journey up.

I love sharing hotel rooms with kids because you basically get to sit in a dark room and drink wine out of tiny plastic toilet cups and listen to them fight.

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All in all, a fun day.

Day 2.

Got up and spent even more time in the car. It’s fine because we have those DVD players on the headrests meaning that the kids are happy and content. Or they would have been if they could just MAKE THEIR BLOODY MINDS UP!

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By the time we arrive at our cottage (we opted for self catering as our kids only really eat pesto pasta and chicken nuggets) the car looks like an utter shit tip and we all hate each other. Just the way a typical family holiday should begin!

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On the day that you turn 6

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You are 6 years old today. On a Saturday no less, what a treat!

You’ve been looking forward to this day for so, so long. The curse of the summer born is being the last of all of your friends to have a birthday; I know there will be a little stab of disappointment when you start back at school and realise some of your classmates are already turning 7, just as you’ve managed to catch up too! Life sucks eh? (Please note when you are my age it will be a blessing).

But today you are finally as big as everybody else and to celebrate we had your party at the (slightly violent) soft play around the corner. It was your choice but also heavily slightly influenced by Mummy, who after years of being a performing clown and pass the parcel constructor,  just um… couldn’t be arsed. Sorry darling – one day you’ll understand.

Anyway the main thing is that you loved it. You were delighted with your Lego Ninjago cake and couldn’t wait to get home to play with your presents, no longer needing so much help to follow instructions and construct them – you have grown up so much this past year.

At six you like – Yo Yo bears, Star Wars, Bionicles, talking about farts and poo, castles, space, battles, water pistols, scoring goals, going swimming, pizza, Twister lollies, zip wires, playing racing games on my phone and hunting for the perfect stick.

You really don’t like – Going to bed, the concept to sleep, sitting still, writing (‘It’s SO boring!’), homework, tidying up, vegetables, baked beans, getting dressed (we pay you to get your school uniform on, yes actually PAY YOU £0.20 per day – worth it though), doing anything vaguely helpful and pink and purple (because ‘they are GIRLS colours!’).

Going by the above lists you may have noticed that I have failed abysmally in any attempts at gender neutral parenting. You are a boysy boy with a penchant for casual violence but you have a very sensitive and innocent side too. At night you carefully arrange about 20 ‘special friends’ on your pillow and then sleep in a tiny gap on the edge of your bunk, when I come in to check on you before bed your face is often squashed right up against the bars.

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You still make me promise that you can live with us forever and you can’t lie – you just haven’t fathomed the concept yet. If I say you can have ’10 goes’ of your favourite game on the iPad you count them down out loud and hand it back when you are done. It’s never once even crossed your mind to pretend you had more goes left. What a lovely little fool you are!

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The Shitty Guilt Fairy

Not everybody knows this but when you give birth to your first child you also give birth to a little fairy. She’s kind of like Tinkerbell but WAY uglier and a total bitch.

Instead of carrying a wand she carries around a shovel of shit which she cracks into your skull whenever she feels like you are doing a bad job. Which it transpires, is quite a lot.

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The purpose of this fairy is to make you feel guilty about stuff from the get go, her first job revolves around the birth itself…

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Next she moves onto the way your child is fed. She has lots of fun with failed breast feeders…

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And she has an absolute field day if you dare to go back to work after maternity leave…

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17 Things I have Learnt About Camping With Kids

So we went camping at the weekend and as we went with several other families there were 17 kids in total between us! *laughs manically* Anyway I just though I’d give you a debrief in case you were thinking of making a similar mistake trip…

1. It will take you approximately 5 hours to pack your car for a two night stay and you will have had 37 different arguments before even leaving the house.

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2. When you arrive at the camp site you will feel optimistic, capable and ready to face anything – just like Bear Grylls!

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3. You will feel slightly less like Bear Grylls when the Sainsbury’s driver arrives delivering essential supplies of prosecco, halloumi and minted lamb kebabs.

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4. You will feel more like what you actually are – a middle class twat on a camping trip.
5. You will have loads of nice food to eat but the children will exist entirely on a diet of crisps and Capri-Sun.
6. There will be so much to do! Make a list so you don’t forget anything…

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So f*cking what If I dress like a mum?!

I keep seeing these sort of articles pop up every now and again – ‘Do you dress like a mum?’ or ‘How to avoid dressing like a mum!’

I took a quiz recently in a magazine to help determine if you dress like a mum and I passed…

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I was with my little sister at the time, who doesn’t even have kids, and guess what? She passed too.

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She was absolutely horrified! (only joking she didn’t give a shit).

I then looked at my husband and guess what – he also passed. So did my mum, which TBH was probably better than passing a ‘do you dress like a nan?’ quiz.

Next I answered the questions for my kids and would you believe it… they passed as well!

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Father Christmas FAQs

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Wondering how to b*llshit your way though your kids tricky questions about Father Christmas?

Yep so am I…

Q: Does anyone ever see Father Christmas?
A: No. He carries a Glock G21 and silencer – if he sees you he will have to kill you.

Q: What does Father Christmas do if you haven’t got a chimney?
A: Tries the windows and failing that he kicks the door down.

Q: How does he get the presents into my stocking?
A: He comes into your bedroom whilst you are sleeping and…

Q: BUT I DON’T WANT ANYONE COMING INTO MY BEDROOM WHILE I AM SLEEPING?!?!
A: …unless we write a note asking him to leave the presents in the car boot!

Q: Why does Father Christmas get some people bikes and other people colouring books?
A: Because capitalism.

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Cool Mothers Doing Cool Stuff

Having kids is an ace and recommendable thing to do (mostly) but what happens afterwards? What happens if you want a career but you can’t work out how to make it work? You might not have a job that’s practical to go back to or they might not consider flexi time. Maybe you lost your job, hate it or maybe you just want to try something different?

I don’t really do promotional stuff on this blog but I really wanted to share with you a few amazing mums doing some really cool stuff. It warms my cockles to see them doing so well, please meet these 5 awesome ladies…

Molly has her fingers in so many pies she needs to open a goddam pie factory. I met up with her last week and I got a feeling of ‘OH MY GOD LET’S GO TAKE OVER THE WORLD TOGETHER’ a bit like Pinky and the Brain… or something. Anyway apart from editing the awesome blogzine Selfish Mother she also flogs these ace sweatshirts of which all profits go towards Women for Women – rebuilding the lives of women from war-torn regions. She is an inspiration.

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If you haven’t heard of Kirsty then you should have, she is the funniest woman I have the pleasure of knowing in real life and she has written a book, an actual book! Check out her blog Eee Bah Mum and buy this literary masterpiece for everyone you know who has had or is having babies. It’s more than just a book it’s ACTUAL SANITY.

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Binning Your Kids Artwork – Yay Or Nay?

A while back I was in my kitchen looking for my fridge, it took me a good five minutes to find him and when I finally did I was concerned to see he was sobbing his little heart out…

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I’M A FRIDGE, LET ME BE A FRIDGE GODDAMIT!!

To cut a long story short he was fed up with being covered in bad drawings of Ninja Turtles, sunshines and stuff no one could could really make head nor tail of. He wanted at least some of his sleek shiny surface back and I had to respect that.

You see we are overrun with crappy artwork in our house, it’s EVERYWHERE and all I can do is hold my hands up and apologise to my fridge (and memo board and walls and shelves) – I’m so sorry guys!

So what to do with all this excess craft?

I had a quick Google and there are lots of options – take pictures and make them into a photo album, use them as wrapping paper, wallpaper your hallway with them, post them to your relatives (bit harsh) but whilst those ideas are lovely, you could also just do something radical like… chuck them?!

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Filling In The Cracks

It’s funny how quickly children grow isn’t it. I mean at first when they are brand new and not doing much time seems to stand still and every week feels like it lasts forever; but before you know it three months are gone and your newborn has vanished in a puff of smoke.

They are smiling, eating, clapping, crawling, walking, talking and then wham you have a toddler, such a complicated little thing. A master at perfecting the balance of being both terribly annoying and utterly adorable all at once, for as frustrating as toddlers can be you have to admire their zest and vigour for life.

See something you like, you take it.
See someone else dong something you don’t like, whack them out of the way.
Run, see, do, explore.
Find pure wonder in a manky feather or cigarette butt.
Laugh with your whole body.
Stomp though the world like you own the whole fricking thing.

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The next thing you know they are moving from toddler to pre-schooler and starting to realise that funnily enough they are not the centre of the universe; which is a good thing because you can’t go around biting people when they take something you want (unless you are a footballer). But it’s also a bit sad, because as kids begin feeling concious of the people around them and how they are perceived by them – that’s when the doubt creeps in.

How good would it be if we could all keep just a dash of that toddler magic?

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