Of late we have had quite a bad run of luck in our household which has included a car crash that was not my fault
probably my fault, the boiler packing in and the cat starting to randomly shit behind the TV (again).
On top of this the Gro Clock that i used to worship at the alter of, seems to have malfunctioned. The sun now winks at me mockingly each bedtime as if to say ‘lol – you’ll be lucky!’ and the moon needs that smug, self-satisfied smirk wiping right off his stupid round face.
Too tired to do much else we permit the older one into bed with us as long as he abides by the rules of no whinging for milk, kicking, or conversing until 6am. Of course he oscillates wildly between each, often breaching all three simultaneously.
The conversation is always the most difficult to block out as he seems to store up incredibly curious quips to tempt me from my slumber. On Saturday in particular, he had a proper gem:-
[To set the scene – It’s too early in the morning, the boy has been in our bed irritating me for some time. His father sleeps, largely oblivious, as per fricking usual]
‘Mummy your arms are………….so………..expensive looking’
Although i try to suppress it, a smile spreads across my face. I’m not quite sure what he even means but i guess if my arms look like they cost more than other peoples that can only be a good thing right?
I start thinking about my arms.
Well they could be a lot more toned for sure but i guess they are not soooo bad, I wonder what sort of price tag they might command….
I check my phone, it’s now 5.45am.
I should continue to ignore him but this strange, nonsensical compliment has started to tickle my vanity. I reason, If not now, when else am i ever going to have the opportunity to discuss how ‘expensive looking‘ my arms are?
Casually i ask ‘Oh you think? What makes them look so expensive then?’
‘CAN I HAVE MY MILK NOW??’
Alas, all of 3 seconds later, the moment is lost and he commences being irritating again.
I ponder the very real possibility that he has simply strung together a sentence based on random mutterings he has overheard; noting that i opt for ‘expensive looking’ things in place of the expensive things i cannot afford. Sigh.
But i choose not to dwell on this as i stumble downstairs to pour milk on the wrong side of morning; for today my upper limbs are ‘extra special’, of the ‘finest‘ variety! If you were to eat them you would probably be able to ‘taste the difference‘. Life is good.
And the boy…..well he lives to see another day.
P.S. My book is out NOW and makes an excellent Christmas gift for parents who aren't humourless twats. You can buy it for just £3.99 on AMAZON or you can grab a copy in bookshops and supermarkets!