Usually in our household, if either me or J has a hangover we are nice to the other one, fully understanding how horrible it is to be hungover whilst around noisy, bouncy children.

But if you, for example, said you were going to be back by 11ish, missed all your trains, neglected to think about the fact someone else might be waiting up worrying you were dead in a ditch, and then turned up home at lunchtime the next day, you might find that sympathy levels were a little bit thin on the ground.

Oops.

I did phone at 1am! But apparently that was a bit late in the day – time just seems to go so fast in the pub doesn’t it?!

And The Trainline app with it’s ‘where are you going?’ and ‘what time are you leaving?’ interrogations is such a bloody killjoy after you’ve had a couple of drinks.

Anyway the crux of it was that I not only had a hangover to deal with but a guilt ridden hangover. The unspoken form or atonement was to assume role of chief childcare provider for the remainder of the day (ouch).

With a complete lack of compassion from my nearest and dearest I set to work on my ten step programme for dealing with children whilst hungover: –

1. Play dead.
2. Play dead some more.
3. That’s it really. I couldn’t move or think much so I had to stop there…

But the problem is that whenever I try and close my eyes, he always spot it. Even if I’m watching some stupid crap with him on Netflix, he keeps checking on me to see if I’m paying attention. Then he starts trying to prise my eyelids open with his fingertips.

I didn’t think it could get any worse. But then I remembered – we have another child! A previously napping other child who was now awake, full of beans and wanting to use me as a human trampoline… 

I love my kids always, I like them sometimes and I want to spend time with them when I’m hungover – never. And that leads to even MORE GUILT to add to my increasing list of woes…

Never mind, plenty of time to start contributing to life again soon.

The here and now was about counting down the minutes until bedtime so I could finally enjoy wallowing in my hangover in peace. I had it all planned out. It was going to be perfect. I was going to lie on the sofa, eat the lasagne of forgiveness that J was cooking in the kitchen and then watch two episodes of The Walking Dead before falling asleep.

It was so close that I could almost reach out and touch it… except…

‘MUMMYEEEEEEEEEEE MUMMYEEEEEEEEEE be a lion mummy, be a friendly ride giving LION!!!!!!!!!!!’

Whoever invented kids clearly never had a hangover.

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P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)