‘It seems too cold out for a normal coat, but when people see my baby dressed in a snowsuit they tell me he will get too hot. I also get told to take off his hat in shops but i don’t like to disturb him if he is asleep. What should i do?’ (Anon, 31)
Firstly don’t feel bad, you can’t possibly be expected to make such a critical judgement for yourself. The best thing to do is to bring several different outfit changes with you when you leave the house and adjust layering based on public opinion.
It might seem rude and unnecessary for people to comment on your choice of attire but they are only acting in interest of your babies safety. Learn to appreciate genuine concern.
Never make excuses. Yes your baby may be asleep but you should always remove their outerwear the minute you cross the threshold of a shop. It doesn’t matter if you are only popping in for a tube of toothpaste, babies have been known to spontaneously combust from overheating within 5 minutes. FACT.
If in doubt don’t wait to be told, ask first. Waft your buggy in the faces of seasoned looking, bored, females* and let the comments roll in. (*I personally have the biggest hit rate with this demographic but it is not exclusive; luckily there are a lot of very ‘helpful’ people out there).
If you are struggling to find anyone matching the criteria head straight to the nearest pharmacy or post office and get in line, this is prime hunting ground. See more that one together? Perfect – BOGOF judgement! #winning
Remember the most important thing is to always keep everyone else happy. When you have a baby you become public property – embrace it.
Do you have a problem? For free, impartial, gin fueled advice from our resident parenting expert please email email@example.com. All correspondence will be treated in the strictest confidence (probably).
**************P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop :)
Oh this is brilliant – you made me spit my water out across my desk ha ha
You are a hoot! :)
Actually on the floor laughing in the middle of the office at this! Spot bloody on!
Loving the artistic impression :) xx
:) thanks, although sorry to make you look like a loon! x
Love the picture. I hope yoou get loads of problem-page style letters now in your new role as parenting expert :) x My kids are always either too cold, or too hot. I can NEVER get it right…so I’m told xxx
Well you are pretty busy Kerrie! Perhaps you can find an elderly neighbour to pop round and advise you before you head out x
My niece in Greece is made to feel guilty if her toddler doesn’t have a vest on in July!
On another note – why don ‘t you get one of these… http://www.morrck.co.uk/shop/rambler-baby-hoodie-size-2.html (I’m not on commission!!)
Mental isn’t it and they look fab! X
Love it! Your artwork is truly extraodinary. xx
Lol thanks Karen x
Thanks Jess xx
This has made my day, so funny!
I’d just like to add that if anyone is still struggling to find suitable adjudicators after having read this excellent advice, they should come and visit me in Italy. Here noone is shy and EVERYONE from old bids to (male!) market traders will be happy to tell you how to bring up your child.
Sounds amazing!! Right EVERYONE we are off to Italy where it’s safest…
Very funny post. The best advice is the article itself, being a parent without humor is like being an accountant without a calculator. You can do it, but it’s gonna be a heck of a lot harder and more stressful. Cheers!
Lol fabulous analogy there!! X
Yes! And would you believe that in Switzerland they are a million times worse?! No wonder I only know how to speak Swiss German in a very aggressive manner.
Ha you crack me up so much! Much needed Tuesday fodder xx
You are do welcome xx
Love this! Especially the picture, teehee =D x
Thanks Katie x
hahahahahha – oh my, that was greatness!!
Excellent advice. I’m lucky because sometimes older women who live near me accost me with their judgements and advice on my own doorstep. It saves a lot of bother!
Oh you lucky thing!! You could invite them round and get them to check the boys PJ’s before bed too!
Spot on – really funny!
I have had a row with my mother in law about ‘mittens’ and my mother about ‘socks’. They now know not to mess with me ;) x
A row?! But they were only being helpful! ;)
Very true. I was in Tescos just yesterday and LL was crying in the trolley while I was packing the shopping up. A lady said to me ‘kindly’ ‘Oh look at her poor thing she’s very upset, she has a cold, I think she needs a cuddle,’ before looking at me disapprovingly like I was the devil mother. Grrr. ;)
Oh that’s another pet hate! People thinking you should get your child out of the buggy just because they are crying – how the hell is that going to help if you are packing up the shopping? They would scream 10x louder the minute you put them back!
I know I say it all the time but I’m gonna say it again. You. Are. Awesome. FACT!
So. Are. You. Fact! :) x
Yep…and if the baby is crying it’s ALWAYS “Oh someone’s hungry!!!” No – cuz I’d be in a cafe somewhere feeding her if she’s hungry!!!!xx
Lol exactly – I don’t know how they know so much stuff about kids they have never met!
On bringing my latest foster baby home from hospital recently I was given two pieces of advice from the Midwife: ‘no hats in the house’ and (and this is direct quote!) ‘We don’t recommend for babies to fall asleep on men’s stomachs any more because men are hotter than women and the baby can overheat.’
So be aware! It’s not just how you dress them, it’s whose stomach you let them lie on!
Oh no that one is definitely 101% true I read a study on it somewhere ;) x
Amazing!! We don’t have that so much here (obviously) but apparently my baby is always ‘hungry’ any person that sees him and he makes any kind of noise or hand in the mouth “ohhhh he’s hungry”………..is he though, perhaps he just puts his hand in his mouth to stop himself from telling you to get out his face!!!? *aaaand relax*
Haha brilliant, again some excellent lunch time reading there!
Urgh, other people eh! Great post!
Hehe noooooooo not spontaneous combustion!!! So beach attire for indoors, right?
Absolutely hilarious! I get so fed up with this from, as you say, very helpful people. Thanks for making me laugh on this grey afternoon! X
Haha! Your posts always make me laugh, love it :) x
As usual, you CRACK ME UP!
Have you found that the unsolicited advice has lessened since becoming a mum of 2? I know I have (thank GOODNESS)…
But I do remember a woman berating me for having taken my (well wrapped, totally snuggled-in-a-sling AND FAST ASLEEP firstborn, who was about 6 weeks old) out of the house on a windy day. I think she seriously expected me to stay indoors until Spring.
Some people, eh..? ;)
lol wow she sounds super helpful!! But yes i have actually found it has become less – maybe its juts the evil eyes i give off though, i can spot em a mile off ;)_
Ha! Hilarious as always. I’m the neglectful-mum who flings a coat over the carseat in the hope she’ll hold it over herself. Anything to avoid the getting-dressed battle.
Brilliant post, how true is this, I am frequently telling people to kindly piss off
Ha – glad its not just me! x
Oh that’s brilliant! How ever did I manage to dress my girls without you!!!
A bit late to the party but OMG I can’t remember laughing so much. I was snorting and crying and incomprehensible and blowing snot bubbles. Thank you x