Category Archives: Parenting

Expensive Looking Arms

Of late we have had quite a bad run of luck in our household which has included a car crash that was not my fault probably my fault, the boiler packing in and the cat starting to randomly shit behind the TV (again).

On top of this the Gro Clock that i used to worship at the alter of, seems to have malfunctioned. The sun now winks at me mockingly each bedtime as if to say ‘lol – you’ll be lucky!’ and the moon needs that smug, self-satisfied smirk wiping right off his stupid round face.

Too tired to do much else we permit the older one into bed with us as long as he abides by the rules of no whinging for milk, kicking, or conversing until 6am. Of course he oscillates wildly between each, often breaching all three simultaneously.

The conversation is always the most difficult to block out as he seems to store up incredibly curious quips to tempt me from my slumber. On Saturday in particular, he had a proper gem:-

[To set the scene – It’s too early in the morning, the boy has been in our bed irritating me for some time. His father sleeps, largely oblivious, as per fricking usual]

Mummy your arms are………….so………..expensive looking’

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Mummy Bricks

It’s a thankless task at the best of times, motherhood.

From the day your child is born you feed, rock and change, feed, rock, and change on repeat only to be met with escalating cries and projectile bodily fluids.

Then they grow, start to move, and you take on the role of FUN POLICE; thwarting their efforts to repeatedly thwack the TV, reprogram the washing machine and/or pluck the cat.

You throw craft projects, trips to the park and ice-cream at them and still, they are not happy. Nothing is ever good/long/plentiful enough.

Words start to tumble from their lips and inform you that the home cooked meal you spent an hour preparing is ‘Yukky’, the birthday present carefully chosen by a loving relative is ‘RUBBISH!’ and your new hair cut makes you look like a ‘Poo head’.

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‘I will never leave you’

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Me and F had a conversation the other day, I’m not quite sure how it started but we were talking about families…

When you grow up you might want to get married like mummy and daddy.’

‘What? What’s married?’

‘It’s when you find a best friend and you want to live with them and be with them forever.’

*Long pause as TINY MIND IS BLOWN, followed by scared look*

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The Post Christmas Devil Child

Christmas, although lovely, has left a slightly funny taste in my mouth (and no its not just the combination of too many chocolate orange segments washed down with Hendricks, which incidentally is a pretty decent pairing). I’ve seen the magic of Christmas with a child just old enough to understand it and I’ve also seen the aftermath.

A complete lack or routine, no pre-school for 2 weeks, a diet varied only by E numbers, visits, visitors, present upon present despite being a little……, making empty threats and approving ridiculous requests has led to, shall we say, a rather dramatic decline in behavior levels.

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I sway between being angry and disappointed that I seem to have raised such a seemingly ungrateful and spoiled child and wondering what the hell I expected? Showering a 3 year old in chocolate, glitter and yes’s for 3 days before swiftly turning the off tap was never going to end well was it?

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New Year Goals

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I’m not one for New Years resolutions as such – like a lot of people i don’t see the point of making big changes just because it’s the New Year. If you want to do something badly enough then just do it anyway right?

The problem is that most people resolve to do things they don’t actually want to do but think they should, mainly giving stuff up (drinking, swearing, big macs etc) yawn. I won’t set resolutions but i have been thinking about goals – positive changes or things i want to do or achieve in 2014. This is them.

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Coping Strategies For Christmas

As i peruse the photo i took today of F role playing with his Playmobil advent calender i wonder if the scene may be a premonition of the Christmas to come.

A rabid reindeer running amok (representing the small ones) bodies strewn amidst the chaos (those sensible enough to get drunk) santa pleading for his life with a mere carrot (a warning that any negotiations involving carrots are futile).

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The Power Game

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Dearest Mummy,

I’ve noticed lately that you’ve changed. I’ve seen you trying to exert some sort of authority over me and almost believing that you’ve done it. Well… er… you so haven’t.

You might think I am not fully wise to your tricks but what do you think we talk about all day at pre-school? I was only regaling my crew with your predictable tactics the other day! It seems you need it spelling out…

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An open letter to Postman Pat

Dear Pat,

I have tried to contact you via the Royal Mail but they are under the illusion that Greendale is a fictional place – what’s up with that?! You may find this letter a tad harsh but I feel I need to write to address you directly as your friends, family and colleagues seem unwilling or unable to give you any constructive feedback.

Lets cut to the chase. You are crap at your job and I have absolutely no idea how you managed to blag your promotion to Head of Special Delivery Services. You consistently lose, damage and/or open parcels you have been entrusted to deliver which is both stupid and illegal. Before you protest I have listed a few examples of your incompetence that have particularly riled me.

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Breastfeeding Bribery B*llocks

You can’t make this shit up can you?

Seriously, seriously, who in their right mind thought ‘I know, if we can’t convince mothers to breastfeed any other way why not bribe them?’ HURRAH!

I have problems with this scheme on many levels.

1. It’s not going to fricking work! In order to breastfeed you need to want to breastfeed. It’s the same as with giving up smoking, if the motivation is not there then you will never succeed.

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